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#187550 - 10/16/07 11:47 PM Update
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
Got to admit. Being here has changed for me since the "events" of two weeks ago.

I'm having a crap time. Part of me feels like I am at the end of a long drawn-out period of mourning. Another part is afraid I'm headed down the drain.

I stopped drinking again after a recent binge. I've been sleeping terribly for weeks. Pretty much two hours before I wake up with scary shit happening in my head. I look like crap.

My creepy father responded to a letter asking for super limited compensation. (for therapy and securing money I have always been promised). It didn't make me feel any better. He still denies abusing me. Sigh. Whatever.

So I've just been trying to let myself cry. And its hard.

But I feel like there is nothing left to say here anymore. I've come to realize that posting here so actively for awhile was keepeing me from dealing with my life in the present.

I want my life. I love it. I'm tired of feeling sad and fucked-up and dysfunctional.

Will I *ever* really get better? I hope so and my dog does too.

Love TW


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#187551 - 10/16/07 11:52 PM Re: Update [Re: testingWaters]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
Hang in their buddy. i wish i knew the answer to your question

,Chris


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#187555 - 10/17/07 12:44 AM Re: Update [Re: theatrekid]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
TW? Have you posted your story? I would be better equipped to respond to this if I could read it. I don't know what you're issues and goals are.


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#187565 - 10/17/07 01:45 AM Re: Update [Re: Hauser]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
Yeah. It is a fairly simple story. I was molested by my father when I was 6-7 years old. My issues are mostly with dissociating (and creating really complicated ways to convince myself I was never abused), the repercussions within my family since disclosure, and prolonged periods (a few weeks) when I just shut down, drink too much and become totally dysfunctional. In a nutshell that is....

Basically over the past week I've realized that I have been totally shut down for a while, and now I want to wake up and get it back together and stay there. But I always dread feeling like despite everything else, I am going to find myself in this position again.

I'm just trying to muster the courage and self-love to believe I can do it once and for all. Meaning -- stay present, stop smoking, exercise, pay my bills, the basics......

I do not *ever* want to find myself in this pit again, but it is scary to climb out unless i really believe I can stay out again. Know what I mean?



Edited by testingWaters (10/17/07 01:47 AM)

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#187568 - 10/17/07 01:50 AM Re: Update [Re: testingWaters]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
More simply: my goal is to stop shutting down and living in a half awake state.


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#187569 - 10/17/07 02:09 AM Re: Update [Re: testingWaters]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
What drove you to this pit so recently? When I've fucked up my life, I blame it on one effect of my abuse, my shattered/destroyed/annihilated/extinguished/maimed self-image. On a scale of 1-10 for how I feel about myself, I don't think I've EVER been above a 2 since I was 9 years old. And if you don't have a good self-image and confidence, good luck find a girlfriend you know?

So what's driving you to drink? I know alllll about shutting down, and giving up, I got the T-shirt. But WHY are you shutting down? WHY are you feeling so low? WHAT is making you dysfunctional? Have you finished school? Have you finished college? Are you not working? Are you dealing with PTSD issues as well?

BTW, what ever happened to "Dad"? Does the rest of your family know what happened to you? Has he ever been confronted?

questions questions questions I know, sorry. But I need more to work with lest I make some rash assumptions and give a ill-informed reply.


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#187572 - 10/17/07 02:30 AM Re: Update [Re: Hauser]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
Well the simplest answer to all of this -- I am in alot of pain.

I've made alot of progress at learning how to stay present despite that pain, grief and loss, but sometimes it seems endless.

I feel like a whimpering brat to say this but I am having a very hard time accepting that my father did not and does not love me. And worse, accepting the fact that my fucked-up loyalty to him cost me years and years and years of my life.

I shut down because when I let that sink in, the sense of loss is almost unbearable. Yet of course, when I open up again, it is right there where I left it, waiting for me. Know what I mean?


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#187575 - 10/17/07 03:08 AM Re: Update [Re: testingWaters]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
I know how it is to torment yourself over bad decisions in the past, one my easiest habits definitely. "Whimpering brat" sounds like some of the stuff I got called when my first abuser would hit me for doing something wrong. You aren't a brat- you sound like someone who's doing the best they can, with what they have, for right now. For me, a whimper is what children do when forbidden to cry. I hope everything stays manageable for you.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#187576 - 10/17/07 03:13 AM Re: Update [Re: dgoods]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
THanks D and H.

Truth is its just a bad day. Mostly because I want to be over these backwards, step back into my shell periods, and even though I really am stepping out right now, I am also acknowledging I had shut down for a while. That's all.

Tomorrow's a new day and I'm going to go for a run.

Thanks for the support.


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