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#187462 - 10/16/07 02:12 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
My bf knows I'm feeling badly, last night on the ride home he asked me, what happened in there? He's treading lightly too.

He just Instant Messaged me and told me to let him know if I want him home at a certain time. He and I are very independent people this is a little out of character for him to say to me, so I'm taking it as his opportunity to let me know he's okay with talking tonight, all I have to do is say the word.

I should say the word, right?

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#187484 - 10/16/07 07:05 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
... from my outside perspective, it seems like you should say the word ... you've spent a great deal of time feeling quite upset over this ... and while i personally think it's mostly a gaffe on the part of the t, it does involve you and your bf and the state of your relationship ...

are you able to just tell your bf how the couples session made you feel? ... i think if approached in a neutral way, without casting blame, the it should be well received by your bf as well as adequately addressing your own feelings ... and once it's out in the open, you can decide together what you both would like to do about it, if anything ...

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#187491 - 10/16/07 07:29 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: selene]
brokensoul Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
Kelly, I totally agree with Selene what she posted is on the nose I think. Just try to keep things neutral and if it looks like a argument is brewing both of you take a break. I don't think it will get that bad but I have been wrong before.

Take care.

brokensoul


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#187500 - 10/16/07 09:00 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: brokensoul]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Kelley,

So sorry you had that experience. My own experience with therapy is that there are times when stuff like this happens. Is someone to blame? If anyone is, probably the T.

I had a thought as I read your post. Seems to me what you need is a joint session with your T, his T, and both of you. Rely on your T in this setting to help you get your questions addressed.

My wife and I used this approach a couple of times early on and it helped tremendously.

Just a thought.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#187516 - 10/16/07 10:19 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: WalkingSouth]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Well just to bring you up to speed on my night....

Well I feel tonight I failed.....I did the all the right things and still I couldn't have my questions answered. It hurt even more and after asking, "is there anything else" and getting a reply with no. I got up and walked away. He then yells, "how did I become the bad guy here" and I came back into the room upset asking him who said that, I"m the bad guy. Then shamefully I burst. Yelling at him all the hurt that I have had pent up, about the escorts, the massage parlors, the website, how I'm afraid to be intimate with him afraid I might hurt him, and that I weep in the bathroom afterwards, after all this and I"M STILL HERE. I wouldn't take it back in hindsight but I wouldn't of yelled at him. No one deserves that. He stood astounded and said, "wow, I guess I needed that" he said that a couple of times. Then asked if he could go for a walk. I sobbed for a good while in the dark. He's gone almost 2 hours now, I text him asking him if he's coming home tonight he replied if I can, I didn't know what that ment so I asked, he meant if I would let him. Yes, I want you to if you still want to. He's up at Burger King reading he said. I will appologize for yelling at him. I'm truely sorry for that.I feel better after getting that out of me even if it jeopardizes us. I've done right by him no matter what.
----------------------------------------------
he's home, I appologized for yelling that I had no business yelling at him. we talked more and hurt more and I guess now, it just has to settle. I told him that I don't think I can go back to the T. It's his T and it should remain that way. He revealed to me tonight that he didnt think that he felt comfortable with answering the sexuality question. I said you should of mentioned that to me. I also said I shouldn't of been granted a couples session. I should of been told no. I would of been okay with that. Hurt a little but I would of understood. It's all hurtful I feel so seperated.

On a positive note I will say we ended the conversation on telling each other the things that keep us together, why I love him and vice versa. I so desperately needed that, I sit here in shiver as a result of whatever it is that makes us shiver (besides being cold). I'm okay now, just going to rest and process everything. Thanks for the shoulder all day today. I needed it, desperatly.

I appreciate all your words everyone, you've all been helpful in calming me, to enlightening me on the situation. I hold you all close to me tonight. Thank you!

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#187580 - 10/17/07 06:35 AM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Should I take solace in the fact that I most likely will never know any more about his CSA?

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

Top
#187620 - 10/17/07 12:07 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Kelly,
I am sorry that you had a difficult time. Personally, I would agree with those who have remarked that it's really challenging to have a fruitful discussion with your bf's therapist. The connection is between the two of them, and it's not easy even for experienced therapists to be open to a third party, no matter how important s/he may be to the client.
It appears from what you say that you had a set of expectations that was not met at all. Sometimes it's that distance between what you hoped to get and what you did get that's difficult. Is there anything that you did get out of it that will be useful to you--if only for what you aren't likely to be able to obtain through this route?
I would guess that you have been here on this site long enough to appreciate perhaps the single greatest challenge we all as F & F have in accompanying our dear one who is coping with this: patience.
Patience is the first and last watchword and probably every other one in between.
There have been several other threads from people about the "what do survivors want F & F to know?" sort of question. The composure to be patient is very high on the list (after believing the disclosure, probably).
I know, I am not the queen of patience myself. I wish this damn process were over with already, a long time ago.
But that is not my choice. The choice I do have is whether to wait it out or to give up. To accept his apologies and plans to be more considerate, or decide I've had enough. Oh, there is one more choice, too: to take care of myself in the meantime!!!
Think about it. One of the absolute worst parts of CSA is having experienced such a profound lack of control. The desire to re-establish control for many survivors is then an imperative. To "make" someone talk, or disclose, or do anything about this to satisfy someone else's perceived need can be then painfully reminiscent of the original abuse.
The internal processes involved in healing are pretty amazing; a lot of inner wisdom can be perceived over the long haul. It's very, very easy in recovery to be overwhelmed and flooded by emotion and memory--and very hard to function in everyday life in that condition. Pressure or haste really tend to be counterproductive. So most of the time, pacing so that one isn't overwhelmed seems to be the preferred path. (I realize sometimes the other way just insists on happening for some people, too.)
Most of the time, I don't directly mention my own experience as a CSA survivor, but here it seems pertinent: my recovery (ongoing) was very absorbing and disruptive for YEARS. I'd estimate I was in active therapy for about two and a half years, some of that for multiple sessions per week, before I really felt like I was starting to get clear. Now, I had a lot of personal complications that had to be untangled too, but this is just to suggest that the time frame for recovery is not necessarily a short one. It's different for everyone, though!
As long as I am in the process of giving you advice, I will add one other observation. ;\) From my point of view, being selfless is asking for trouble, eventually. Generosity, kindness, sympathy--sure. Selflessness...it makes me wonder what's really at stake.
Yes, it's ok to be angry and frustrated. You're human. But empathy is really what's important here. How would you feel if you were in his position?
And you know, as much as we all believe as an article of faith that CSA has all kinds of serious effects, it is not so fun to be reminded of that all the time. We are more than our abuse, or even our recovery. Our lives are irrevocably affected by it, but that is not the only factor that has been important in making us who we are.
I encourage you to step back, catch your breath, get some perspective, and see if you can set something else at the center of your life for a while....
(I should remind you--this is a statement coming from someone who is taking more time out from work right now than she can really afford--so you see, the advice is for me, too \:\)
Good luck, Kelly. Try to take a break, and have some fun with your bf. Too much doom and gloom is really discouraging.
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#187626 - 10/17/07 01:33 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: honey girl]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Dear F&F and Survivors;

I want to take this time to tell you how helpful you all have been for me. You've been my lighthouse in those times when I was lost at sea. I'm really unsure as to my devotion to my partner right now, I've stepped out of his recovery (I'm not sure what stepping out means to me yet) and in doing so maybe, I feel being here with you, my friends might only bring heartache to myself, because in being here I would still be thinking about him and how he is. I love him and I'm hurt that his recovery has no place for me. I've asked him if some day I might be told and he said he doubts it. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Right now, I understand. He's feeling his own skin. In the future I may see it harder. I'm scared about his issues with sexual identity, I don't know what this means to him and again he can't express it to me. The truth I'm afraid that one day he'll say to me it's not me who he wants. I'm afraid that I may not have the strength to make it through for him. I'm so so so sorry for that, I feel like a failure. A failure to all of you as well, I promise you all I'm a good woman, kind, supportive and loving. Just not strong enough for rejection and heartache from him.

Maybe I'm being too hasty trying desperately to lick my wounds. I'm angry. I just feel angry that they (the T and my bf) lead me to the water to drink and then took it away from me. That really makes me angry. Why would you do that to someone? All I did was, ask. They didn't need to be so hurtful in leading me there when I made it plain to see what I was after, and it was okay to say NO to me. The only thing that I find a little comfort in is that this was his T's chance at proving loyalty to my bf to make him more comfortable. It was though at my expense, it was an expense I didn't deserve. I've been nothing but loving supportive, sweet and gentle with him. I would bargain that Michael would feel the same in regards to my gestures. That's what hurts and confuses me.

Still waiting for a call from my T for hopefully a session very very soon.

always,
Kelly

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

Top
#187631 - 10/17/07 02:08 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
I'm sorry for being a cry baby everyone, I don't mean to waste your time. I'm not a nut case I promise. Sorry!

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

Top
#187632 - 10/17/07 02:11 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
You are not being a cry baby...You need to do whats best for you Kelly. Take care of yourself...we will be here if you need us.

Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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