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#187410 - 10/16/07 09:33 AM My first couples session after disclosure
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Well, sometimes things don't go as planned. I'm still pretty upset and confused, not knowing who or what to believe. Yesterday took several shots at my pride. Even making me look at myself differently. I'm sure for us ladies we can all attest that being in a relationship with a partner of CSA is sometimes a hard place to be in regards to feeling good about ourselves. A big one for me since his disclosure is feeling attractive.

I did have expectations yesterday, they were to have my questions answered. I wrote them out and sent them for my bf to know what's going on in my head. It was straight line from him to me. I thought that if he couldn't of answered any of my questions that something would have transpired between us mentioning that some or all of the questions couldn't be answered. That never happened. So it left me feeling scared not knowing the words that were going to come out of his mouth (could I handle them).

I'm so confused, right now. I've been warned about couples sessions so I was nervous but never did I expect to feel what I did yesterday. It was all directed at me, I was on the burner. All I wanted was 8 questions answered and I would have been good for a while, I didn't even need them all answered but I thought if I was going to have this opportunity then give it a go. 50 minutes went by and not one question was answered. I have to tell you it started to make me mad. One question was answered, "Where do I fit in in your recovery?" For 1 week he's had those questions and I would like to believe if any of them were over his head at the moment he would have said to me, "Kel, I don't think I can answer all of your questions right now." Don't get me wrong I'm not upset with my bf, I'm upset with the T for directing the conversation away from really the only reason I was there. I have my own T and she helped me go through the questions, she even helped me put them in order of importance. She said that she thought the questions were very reasonable and by all means safe to ask. The T made me feel like I want to be way more involved in my bf's recovery. 4 months we've been dealing with this and I KNOW NOTHING. I've been on MS long enough to know 1st and foremost this is HIS journey. I get it! In the past 4 months my bf has given me a little info on his sessions, and that's fine. I can recall we were on our way out to a surprise dinner I put together 2 months prior to our vacation to Germany (vacation has happened now). On our way to the restaurant he told me about a breakthrough he had that day. But since then, not a peep. Am I wrong in asking for a crumb here and there? Something to keep me going, to know he's making progress. I could just scream right now, I have a lot more serious questions that are bubbling inside me BUT I know they probably can't be answered now! I KNOW THIS! Still I have feelings that are coming up for me now and I can't address them to him. I myself know I can't address them now, it's probably too much for him, and I wouldn't jeopardize that for him.

The T last night kept asking me how I feel and it's bubbling beneath me to strong and harsh to let go. He fueled me even further by pushing for couples sessions for the next 3-4 weeks. I left there, feeling like I have no business in this at all, (yeah that's it in a nutshell). So now, I'm feeling and I told my bf that I don't want to interfere in his recovery. That's how the T made me feel, I told my bf that I guess I needed to see outside the box, I thought I was doing a good job with what I was given. But apparently not. Again my wording is off, I feel really shitty about our relationship. I left the T telling them both to meet together without me next week. I didn't say this but I don't think I can be there. He needs to be with Michael and work together, I'm just a hindrance of his recovery.

So now, I'm not really sure what to do. Should I be here at MS? I just feel once again mislead. I'm tired of that, when will people stop taking advantage of my good heartiness and not take me for this shitty ride. I've had enough of them in my life.

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#187416 - 10/16/07 09:54 AM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Kelly:

I've sent you a PM. Yes, you should be here at MS. This is a unique place that we all understand exactly how you feel and where you are coming from...we all understand because we've been there or will soon be there too. That is what this support network is all about my friend. We hold each other's hand, we cheer when we can...we stand in friendship facing difficult days together and offer a smile during the lighter moments...the better times that are sure to follow tomorrow or many tomorrows from now.

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#187446 - 10/16/07 12:17 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: sweet-n-sour]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
Quote:
Don't get me wrong I'm not upset with my bf, I'm upset with the T for directing the conversation away from really the only reason I was there.


kelly ...

... ok, so it was a problem with what the therapist interpreted as being important ... and he just didn't give either of you a chance to bring up your questions ... what stood out for me in your post is the general feeling that the t is running the show entirely, deciding what will be discussed, when, and with whom ... (i could be wrong, so please say if i am) ... and i think maybe, if that's the case, that you felt invalidated (understandable) which could have led to all the other feelings - especially of just dropping out ... dropping out of helping his recovery and dropping out of here ... and i think it could also be a factor in why you're feeling bad about your relationship in general ...

... and can i also point out that your bf is with his t one hour a week ... that's one out of 168 hours each week ... yes, therapy is extremely important ... but so is the healing we experience with those who we are close to ... you may be underestimating your own importance in your bf's recovery ... yes, we all have to make this journey ourselves ... but it sure does help to have someone in our corner ...

Quote:
He fueled me even further by pushing for couples sessions for the next 3-4 weeks.


... you and your boyfriend are in control of what you want to happen in couples therapy ... if you change your mind and go again next week, you and your bf could, beforehand, agree to bring up your list of questions ... you could jointly tell the t that the list is what you want to work on for that session, with his help and input ... and then see what develops ... that way, you and your bf are acting as a team ... but also not making the therapist irrelevant ...

and sns is right ... you do belong here \:\)

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#187447 - 10/16/07 12:22 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: selene]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
LOL..I dont have much input but I hate couples\marriage therapy...It always turned into the blame game.

I will agree selene...you need to run the show..not the therapist. The therapist is there to help you solve your problems as a couple not necessarily what he or she "perceives" to be your problems. Go in organised!

By the way Ditto on the belonging here...you most certainly do.
Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#187453 - 10/16/07 01:11 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: pain4ever]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
I really do appreciate your honesty and ideas. It's helped me so far to cool off a bit and sort through what's really happening. I am still upset because like you both said, "be organized, be a team"...I requested this session, I feel I went above and beyond as to make my bf feel safe with my request in having a session together. I offered to get my specific questions to him earlier (in time for their one on one session last week). I wanted to do this for me and for him. All I needed was the platform in which to present my questions. I felt relieved that I was granted this session. Then, to have my questions ignored or not brought up was a huge let down for me. HUGE! That's all I wanted, that would have been enough to get me by for another few months. So now, what? I'm upset and unfortunately I carry my heart on my sleeve. Right now I'm torn between sucking it up and putting on my best happy face for tonight at home. Or just facing him on how shitty his T made me feel about our relationship and myself.
I could flood him with emotion if I choose to talk about this with him. I'm scared and I don't want to burden him with this.

Now what?

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

Top
#187454 - 10/16/07 01:26 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Okay...If he loves you he will want to know what you are feeling. Can you go a halfway between total honesty and the happy face?? I know its hard but how do you think he will react to your feeling about the T session?

The session was no help it sounds like and a total invalidation of your feelings...did it really do ANY good?

Another thing...from experience...Have separate therapists for couples counseling and Abuse Therapy (you can have them communicate)...it worked better for me and my ex-wife..well maybe it didnt work better...LOL..we are divorced. Just kidding...its not that the therapy didnt work but that I am gay. No amount of couseling will fix that in a straight marriage!!!

Having seperate Therapists helped me not be so on guard in couples therapy.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#187455 - 10/16/07 01:32 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: pain4ever]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Brian,

I hear you, I've read your post and selene's post 2 times now. SnS you know I think the world of you girl!!! I"ll keep trying to figure out how to get myself through this without being too emotional and too pokerfaced.

Thanks so much!

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

Top
#187456 - 10/16/07 01:34 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
I know its not fair...your feelings can't be invalidated.

Vent to us...we are here for you.

Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#187458 - 10/16/07 01:52 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: pain4ever]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Kelly,

Sounds to me like the T really messed up because he had an agenda that didn't include you - that's a big strike and a hard one to overcome. For the hell of it though, let's imagine this. Your b/f and he spoke about you coming to see him before it happened. Maybe the therapist suggested he would like to see the two of you for more than one session, at least for a little bit. Maybe he says to the b/f let's wait and see how it goes so b/f says nothing to you. Or maybe the T just thought this all by his little lonesome and says nothing to your b/f. Another blunder to be sure, because he didn't keep the two of you in the loop.

But, I'd be willing to bet that the T wanted to get a feel for you and to see your interaction with your b/f before getting into answering your questions. I'd also be willing to bet that he may be a little distrustful of you until he learns otherwise. You're b/f is the one he has been hired to help and protect and guide through this minefield, not you.

He doesn't know your b/f very well because it's only been a few months and he doesn't know you at all. How do I know this is all possible? Because I've been there. In the beginning, I got angry at my b/f's T because of things she said and things she didn't say to me or to us. I was feeling very threatened and ready to go on the attack. Obviously I didn't, but I was stressed to the max, much like you are now. Things have since calmed down and we have a very nice relationship, although first and foremost is that she is HIS T, not mine and not ours. I know you know this, but you need to really know it in order to understand the relationship that is being built between your b/f and his T.

You want perfectly reasonable questions answered, but they are still questions that have the potential to cause alarm for your b/f. Perhaps the T didn't address them with you and your b/f because he doesn't feel comfortable that he can handle it.

My gut instinct says go back if you've been invited and go slowly. If the session isn't going the way you think it should, maybe you can ask to speak with the T for a few minutes outside of your b/f's presence and you can express your concerns. Better yet, if your b/f will give him permission to speak with you, maybe you can call him on the phone.

I guess my bottom line is that neither one of you know each other at all yet both of you have your b/f's best interest at heart. Try to reach a meeting of the minds for his sake.

ROCK ON...........Trish

PS: I hope this makes sense because I wrote if fast at work and don't have the time to go back over it.

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#187461 - 10/16/07 02:05 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Trish4850]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
I hear you! I'm reading over and over again. I need to breathe what you are all saying to me in order to express to my bf about yesterday. Your all right. I'm not good with confrontation not that a discussion should be taken that way but I want to be able to clearly and safely express my thoughts. I guess days like these are good to work 1 hour from home, I can drive home with the windows open and just run through my thoughts. Thank you for the encouragement, I needed and need it.




_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

Top
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