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#187410 - 10/16/07 09:33 AM My first couples session after disclosure
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Well, sometimes things don't go as planned. I'm still pretty upset and confused, not knowing who or what to believe. Yesterday took several shots at my pride. Even making me look at myself differently. I'm sure for us ladies we can all attest that being in a relationship with a partner of CSA is sometimes a hard place to be in regards to feeling good about ourselves. A big one for me since his disclosure is feeling attractive.

I did have expectations yesterday, they were to have my questions answered. I wrote them out and sent them for my bf to know what's going on in my head. It was straight line from him to me. I thought that if he couldn't of answered any of my questions that something would have transpired between us mentioning that some or all of the questions couldn't be answered. That never happened. So it left me feeling scared not knowing the words that were going to come out of his mouth (could I handle them).

I'm so confused, right now. I've been warned about couples sessions so I was nervous but never did I expect to feel what I did yesterday. It was all directed at me, I was on the burner. All I wanted was 8 questions answered and I would have been good for a while, I didn't even need them all answered but I thought if I was going to have this opportunity then give it a go. 50 minutes went by and not one question was answered. I have to tell you it started to make me mad. One question was answered, "Where do I fit in in your recovery?" For 1 week he's had those questions and I would like to believe if any of them were over his head at the moment he would have said to me, "Kel, I don't think I can answer all of your questions right now." Don't get me wrong I'm not upset with my bf, I'm upset with the T for directing the conversation away from really the only reason I was there. I have my own T and she helped me go through the questions, she even helped me put them in order of importance. She said that she thought the questions were very reasonable and by all means safe to ask. The T made me feel like I want to be way more involved in my bf's recovery. 4 months we've been dealing with this and I KNOW NOTHING. I've been on MS long enough to know 1st and foremost this is HIS journey. I get it! In the past 4 months my bf has given me a little info on his sessions, and that's fine. I can recall we were on our way out to a surprise dinner I put together 2 months prior to our vacation to Germany (vacation has happened now). On our way to the restaurant he told me about a breakthrough he had that day. But since then, not a peep. Am I wrong in asking for a crumb here and there? Something to keep me going, to know he's making progress. I could just scream right now, I have a lot more serious questions that are bubbling inside me BUT I know they probably can't be answered now! I KNOW THIS! Still I have feelings that are coming up for me now and I can't address them to him. I myself know I can't address them now, it's probably too much for him, and I wouldn't jeopardize that for him.

The T last night kept asking me how I feel and it's bubbling beneath me to strong and harsh to let go. He fueled me even further by pushing for couples sessions for the next 3-4 weeks. I left there, feeling like I have no business in this at all, (yeah that's it in a nutshell). So now, I'm feeling and I told my bf that I don't want to interfere in his recovery. That's how the T made me feel, I told my bf that I guess I needed to see outside the box, I thought I was doing a good job with what I was given. But apparently not. Again my wording is off, I feel really shitty about our relationship. I left the T telling them both to meet together without me next week. I didn't say this but I don't think I can be there. He needs to be with Michael and work together, I'm just a hindrance of his recovery.

So now, I'm not really sure what to do. Should I be here at MS? I just feel once again mislead. I'm tired of that, when will people stop taking advantage of my good heartiness and not take me for this shitty ride. I've had enough of them in my life.

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#187416 - 10/16/07 09:54 AM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Kelly:

I've sent you a PM. Yes, you should be here at MS. This is a unique place that we all understand exactly how you feel and where you are coming from...we all understand because we've been there or will soon be there too. That is what this support network is all about my friend. We hold each other's hand, we cheer when we can...we stand in friendship facing difficult days together and offer a smile during the lighter moments...the better times that are sure to follow tomorrow or many tomorrows from now.

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#187446 - 10/16/07 12:17 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: sweet-n-sour]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
Quote:
Don't get me wrong I'm not upset with my bf, I'm upset with the T for directing the conversation away from really the only reason I was there.


kelly ...

... ok, so it was a problem with what the therapist interpreted as being important ... and he just didn't give either of you a chance to bring up your questions ... what stood out for me in your post is the general feeling that the t is running the show entirely, deciding what will be discussed, when, and with whom ... (i could be wrong, so please say if i am) ... and i think maybe, if that's the case, that you felt invalidated (understandable) which could have led to all the other feelings - especially of just dropping out ... dropping out of helping his recovery and dropping out of here ... and i think it could also be a factor in why you're feeling bad about your relationship in general ...

... and can i also point out that your bf is with his t one hour a week ... that's one out of 168 hours each week ... yes, therapy is extremely important ... but so is the healing we experience with those who we are close to ... you may be underestimating your own importance in your bf's recovery ... yes, we all have to make this journey ourselves ... but it sure does help to have someone in our corner ...

Quote:
He fueled me even further by pushing for couples sessions for the next 3-4 weeks.


... you and your boyfriend are in control of what you want to happen in couples therapy ... if you change your mind and go again next week, you and your bf could, beforehand, agree to bring up your list of questions ... you could jointly tell the t that the list is what you want to work on for that session, with his help and input ... and then see what develops ... that way, you and your bf are acting as a team ... but also not making the therapist irrelevant ...

and sns is right ... you do belong here \:\)

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#187447 - 10/16/07 12:22 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: selene]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
LOL..I dont have much input but I hate couples\marriage therapy...It always turned into the blame game.

I will agree selene...you need to run the show..not the therapist. The therapist is there to help you solve your problems as a couple not necessarily what he or she "perceives" to be your problems. Go in organised!

By the way Ditto on the belonging here...you most certainly do.
Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#187453 - 10/16/07 01:11 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: pain4ever]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
I really do appreciate your honesty and ideas. It's helped me so far to cool off a bit and sort through what's really happening. I am still upset because like you both said, "be organized, be a team"...I requested this session, I feel I went above and beyond as to make my bf feel safe with my request in having a session together. I offered to get my specific questions to him earlier (in time for their one on one session last week). I wanted to do this for me and for him. All I needed was the platform in which to present my questions. I felt relieved that I was granted this session. Then, to have my questions ignored or not brought up was a huge let down for me. HUGE! That's all I wanted, that would have been enough to get me by for another few months. So now, what? I'm upset and unfortunately I carry my heart on my sleeve. Right now I'm torn between sucking it up and putting on my best happy face for tonight at home. Or just facing him on how shitty his T made me feel about our relationship and myself.
I could flood him with emotion if I choose to talk about this with him. I'm scared and I don't want to burden him with this.

Now what?

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

Top
#187454 - 10/16/07 01:26 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Okay...If he loves you he will want to know what you are feeling. Can you go a halfway between total honesty and the happy face?? I know its hard but how do you think he will react to your feeling about the T session?

The session was no help it sounds like and a total invalidation of your feelings...did it really do ANY good?

Another thing...from experience...Have separate therapists for couples counseling and Abuse Therapy (you can have them communicate)...it worked better for me and my ex-wife..well maybe it didnt work better...LOL..we are divorced. Just kidding...its not that the therapy didnt work but that I am gay. No amount of couseling will fix that in a straight marriage!!!

Having seperate Therapists helped me not be so on guard in couples therapy.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#187455 - 10/16/07 01:32 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: pain4ever]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Brian,

I hear you, I've read your post and selene's post 2 times now. SnS you know I think the world of you girl!!! I"ll keep trying to figure out how to get myself through this without being too emotional and too pokerfaced.

Thanks so much!

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

Top
#187456 - 10/16/07 01:34 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
I know its not fair...your feelings can't be invalidated.

Vent to us...we are here for you.

Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

Top
#187458 - 10/16/07 01:52 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: pain4ever]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Kelly,

Sounds to me like the T really messed up because he had an agenda that didn't include you - that's a big strike and a hard one to overcome. For the hell of it though, let's imagine this. Your b/f and he spoke about you coming to see him before it happened. Maybe the therapist suggested he would like to see the two of you for more than one session, at least for a little bit. Maybe he says to the b/f let's wait and see how it goes so b/f says nothing to you. Or maybe the T just thought this all by his little lonesome and says nothing to your b/f. Another blunder to be sure, because he didn't keep the two of you in the loop.

But, I'd be willing to bet that the T wanted to get a feel for you and to see your interaction with your b/f before getting into answering your questions. I'd also be willing to bet that he may be a little distrustful of you until he learns otherwise. You're b/f is the one he has been hired to help and protect and guide through this minefield, not you.

He doesn't know your b/f very well because it's only been a few months and he doesn't know you at all. How do I know this is all possible? Because I've been there. In the beginning, I got angry at my b/f's T because of things she said and things she didn't say to me or to us. I was feeling very threatened and ready to go on the attack. Obviously I didn't, but I was stressed to the max, much like you are now. Things have since calmed down and we have a very nice relationship, although first and foremost is that she is HIS T, not mine and not ours. I know you know this, but you need to really know it in order to understand the relationship that is being built between your b/f and his T.

You want perfectly reasonable questions answered, but they are still questions that have the potential to cause alarm for your b/f. Perhaps the T didn't address them with you and your b/f because he doesn't feel comfortable that he can handle it.

My gut instinct says go back if you've been invited and go slowly. If the session isn't going the way you think it should, maybe you can ask to speak with the T for a few minutes outside of your b/f's presence and you can express your concerns. Better yet, if your b/f will give him permission to speak with you, maybe you can call him on the phone.

I guess my bottom line is that neither one of you know each other at all yet both of you have your b/f's best interest at heart. Try to reach a meeting of the minds for his sake.

ROCK ON...........Trish

PS: I hope this makes sense because I wrote if fast at work and don't have the time to go back over it.

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#187461 - 10/16/07 02:05 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Trish4850]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
I hear you! I'm reading over and over again. I need to breathe what you are all saying to me in order to express to my bf about yesterday. Your all right. I'm not good with confrontation not that a discussion should be taken that way but I want to be able to clearly and safely express my thoughts. I guess days like these are good to work 1 hour from home, I can drive home with the windows open and just run through my thoughts. Thank you for the encouragement, I needed and need it.




_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

Top
#187462 - 10/16/07 02:12 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
My bf knows I'm feeling badly, last night on the ride home he asked me, what happened in there? He's treading lightly too.

He just Instant Messaged me and told me to let him know if I want him home at a certain time. He and I are very independent people this is a little out of character for him to say to me, so I'm taking it as his opportunity to let me know he's okay with talking tonight, all I have to do is say the word.

I should say the word, right?

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

Top
#187484 - 10/16/07 07:05 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
... from my outside perspective, it seems like you should say the word ... you've spent a great deal of time feeling quite upset over this ... and while i personally think it's mostly a gaffe on the part of the t, it does involve you and your bf and the state of your relationship ...

are you able to just tell your bf how the couples session made you feel? ... i think if approached in a neutral way, without casting blame, the it should be well received by your bf as well as adequately addressing your own feelings ... and once it's out in the open, you can decide together what you both would like to do about it, if anything ...

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#187491 - 10/16/07 07:29 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: selene]
brokensoul Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
Kelly, I totally agree with Selene what she posted is on the nose I think. Just try to keep things neutral and if it looks like a argument is brewing both of you take a break. I don't think it will get that bad but I have been wrong before.

Take care.

brokensoul


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#187500 - 10/16/07 09:00 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: brokensoul]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Kelley,

So sorry you had that experience. My own experience with therapy is that there are times when stuff like this happens. Is someone to blame? If anyone is, probably the T.

I had a thought as I read your post. Seems to me what you need is a joint session with your T, his T, and both of you. Rely on your T in this setting to help you get your questions addressed.

My wife and I used this approach a couple of times early on and it helped tremendously.

Just a thought.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#187516 - 10/16/07 10:19 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: WalkingSouth]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Well just to bring you up to speed on my night....

Well I feel tonight I failed.....I did the all the right things and still I couldn't have my questions answered. It hurt even more and after asking, "is there anything else" and getting a reply with no. I got up and walked away. He then yells, "how did I become the bad guy here" and I came back into the room upset asking him who said that, I"m the bad guy. Then shamefully I burst. Yelling at him all the hurt that I have had pent up, about the escorts, the massage parlors, the website, how I'm afraid to be intimate with him afraid I might hurt him, and that I weep in the bathroom afterwards, after all this and I"M STILL HERE. I wouldn't take it back in hindsight but I wouldn't of yelled at him. No one deserves that. He stood astounded and said, "wow, I guess I needed that" he said that a couple of times. Then asked if he could go for a walk. I sobbed for a good while in the dark. He's gone almost 2 hours now, I text him asking him if he's coming home tonight he replied if I can, I didn't know what that ment so I asked, he meant if I would let him. Yes, I want you to if you still want to. He's up at Burger King reading he said. I will appologize for yelling at him. I'm truely sorry for that.I feel better after getting that out of me even if it jeopardizes us. I've done right by him no matter what.
----------------------------------------------
he's home, I appologized for yelling that I had no business yelling at him. we talked more and hurt more and I guess now, it just has to settle. I told him that I don't think I can go back to the T. It's his T and it should remain that way. He revealed to me tonight that he didnt think that he felt comfortable with answering the sexuality question. I said you should of mentioned that to me. I also said I shouldn't of been granted a couples session. I should of been told no. I would of been okay with that. Hurt a little but I would of understood. It's all hurtful I feel so seperated.

On a positive note I will say we ended the conversation on telling each other the things that keep us together, why I love him and vice versa. I so desperately needed that, I sit here in shiver as a result of whatever it is that makes us shiver (besides being cold). I'm okay now, just going to rest and process everything. Thanks for the shoulder all day today. I needed it, desperatly.

I appreciate all your words everyone, you've all been helpful in calming me, to enlightening me on the situation. I hold you all close to me tonight. Thank you!

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

Top
#187580 - 10/17/07 06:35 AM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Should I take solace in the fact that I most likely will never know any more about his CSA?

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

Top
#187620 - 10/17/07 12:07 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Kelly,
I am sorry that you had a difficult time. Personally, I would agree with those who have remarked that it's really challenging to have a fruitful discussion with your bf's therapist. The connection is between the two of them, and it's not easy even for experienced therapists to be open to a third party, no matter how important s/he may be to the client.
It appears from what you say that you had a set of expectations that was not met at all. Sometimes it's that distance between what you hoped to get and what you did get that's difficult. Is there anything that you did get out of it that will be useful to you--if only for what you aren't likely to be able to obtain through this route?
I would guess that you have been here on this site long enough to appreciate perhaps the single greatest challenge we all as F & F have in accompanying our dear one who is coping with this: patience.
Patience is the first and last watchword and probably every other one in between.
There have been several other threads from people about the "what do survivors want F & F to know?" sort of question. The composure to be patient is very high on the list (after believing the disclosure, probably).
I know, I am not the queen of patience myself. I wish this damn process were over with already, a long time ago.
But that is not my choice. The choice I do have is whether to wait it out or to give up. To accept his apologies and plans to be more considerate, or decide I've had enough. Oh, there is one more choice, too: to take care of myself in the meantime!!!
Think about it. One of the absolute worst parts of CSA is having experienced such a profound lack of control. The desire to re-establish control for many survivors is then an imperative. To "make" someone talk, or disclose, or do anything about this to satisfy someone else's perceived need can be then painfully reminiscent of the original abuse.
The internal processes involved in healing are pretty amazing; a lot of inner wisdom can be perceived over the long haul. It's very, very easy in recovery to be overwhelmed and flooded by emotion and memory--and very hard to function in everyday life in that condition. Pressure or haste really tend to be counterproductive. So most of the time, pacing so that one isn't overwhelmed seems to be the preferred path. (I realize sometimes the other way just insists on happening for some people, too.)
Most of the time, I don't directly mention my own experience as a CSA survivor, but here it seems pertinent: my recovery (ongoing) was very absorbing and disruptive for YEARS. I'd estimate I was in active therapy for about two and a half years, some of that for multiple sessions per week, before I really felt like I was starting to get clear. Now, I had a lot of personal complications that had to be untangled too, but this is just to suggest that the time frame for recovery is not necessarily a short one. It's different for everyone, though!
As long as I am in the process of giving you advice, I will add one other observation. ;\) From my point of view, being selfless is asking for trouble, eventually. Generosity, kindness, sympathy--sure. Selflessness...it makes me wonder what's really at stake.
Yes, it's ok to be angry and frustrated. You're human. But empathy is really what's important here. How would you feel if you were in his position?
And you know, as much as we all believe as an article of faith that CSA has all kinds of serious effects, it is not so fun to be reminded of that all the time. We are more than our abuse, or even our recovery. Our lives are irrevocably affected by it, but that is not the only factor that has been important in making us who we are.
I encourage you to step back, catch your breath, get some perspective, and see if you can set something else at the center of your life for a while....
(I should remind you--this is a statement coming from someone who is taking more time out from work right now than she can really afford--so you see, the advice is for me, too \:\)
Good luck, Kelly. Try to take a break, and have some fun with your bf. Too much doom and gloom is really discouraging.
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#187626 - 10/17/07 01:33 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: honey girl]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Dear F&F and Survivors;

I want to take this time to tell you how helpful you all have been for me. You've been my lighthouse in those times when I was lost at sea. I'm really unsure as to my devotion to my partner right now, I've stepped out of his recovery (I'm not sure what stepping out means to me yet) and in doing so maybe, I feel being here with you, my friends might only bring heartache to myself, because in being here I would still be thinking about him and how he is. I love him and I'm hurt that his recovery has no place for me. I've asked him if some day I might be told and he said he doubts it. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Right now, I understand. He's feeling his own skin. In the future I may see it harder. I'm scared about his issues with sexual identity, I don't know what this means to him and again he can't express it to me. The truth I'm afraid that one day he'll say to me it's not me who he wants. I'm afraid that I may not have the strength to make it through for him. I'm so so so sorry for that, I feel like a failure. A failure to all of you as well, I promise you all I'm a good woman, kind, supportive and loving. Just not strong enough for rejection and heartache from him.

Maybe I'm being too hasty trying desperately to lick my wounds. I'm angry. I just feel angry that they (the T and my bf) lead me to the water to drink and then took it away from me. That really makes me angry. Why would you do that to someone? All I did was, ask. They didn't need to be so hurtful in leading me there when I made it plain to see what I was after, and it was okay to say NO to me. The only thing that I find a little comfort in is that this was his T's chance at proving loyalty to my bf to make him more comfortable. It was though at my expense, it was an expense I didn't deserve. I've been nothing but loving supportive, sweet and gentle with him. I would bargain that Michael would feel the same in regards to my gestures. That's what hurts and confuses me.

Still waiting for a call from my T for hopefully a session very very soon.

always,
Kelly

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

Top
#187631 - 10/17/07 02:08 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
I'm sorry for being a cry baby everyone, I don't mean to waste your time. I'm not a nut case I promise. Sorry!

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

Top
#187632 - 10/17/07 02:11 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
You are not being a cry baby...You need to do whats best for you Kelly. Take care of yourself...we will be here if you need us.

Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#187634 - 10/17/07 02:15 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: pain4ever]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Agape Girl, you are not a nut case...

or maybe we all are and that's why we all understand each other so well!

It's rough, I know. I don't think I'm much help to anybody right now.

Please keep us updated.

V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#187682 - 10/17/07 07:51 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: violet]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Hi Everyone,

I bet your sick of me by now...I have a T appointment for tomorrow at 5 30pm. I'll keep company with you here till then and hopefully I will have had an attitude adjustment and a new outlook on things. Right S-n-S?

THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING....

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

Top
#187688 - 10/17/07 08:44 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
brokensoul Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
I'm sure I speak for many if not all of us when I say we will never be sick of anyone who needs help or that are seeking insight here. But yes talk to your T before you make a final decision about what you should do. But I want to say that you do not need a attitude adjustment just time to think and heal from your bad experience.

You have the right to be here because now your life has been touched and likely forever changed by your BF's abuser. I hope that you stay but I understand if you feel that you need to step back away from this. I don't know sometimes when reading here I feel like this is the front line of a battle zone. Their is so much pain and suffering people you want to help but can't. But their are heroes and stories of victory's here as well. I am so happy that I found this place and got the guts to post more than once.

Take care my friend wherever life takes you.

Your friend,
Brokensoul


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#187744 - 10/18/07 07:19 AM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: brokensoul]
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
sorry I came to this so late, I have been taking a break after illness and exhaustion, but came here today and really want to reply to you Kelly.



I just wanted to say, firstly you are always welcome here as far as I'm concerned, since your life has been touched and affected in this way.


Secondly, I wanted to extend a compassionate, empathetic hug to you for everything you are having to deal with right now. It is HUGE. Especially if your partner is dealing with identity issues. That's what I've been through with my partnern(still going through) and speaking from personal experience, it has been an ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE for me. I'm not sure of the other details of your partner's infidelity, but if you're having to deal with that too, then clearly you have A LOT on your plate. I wanted to say I think you were absolutely on the right track by starting off with questions you needed to ask and well done for looking out for YOURSELF in doing that. It's way more than I did!! I have been ALL OVER THE PLACE, really mostly a mess, asking random disorganised questions at various unplanned and sometimes inconventient opportunities!!! So, you were level headed about it and organised, considerate etc........

....you are seeing a T and that's great and I hope it brings you continual strength and self learning. I am only sorry your partner couldn't answer some of your questions, share himself with you a little. I don't think that what you want is unreasonable or inconsiderate in any way, it is natural. However, it's looking like your partner, just for the moment, is not capable of fullfilling this side of the relationship. This is the reality you are currently faced with. I did go through a similar period with my partner actually.....I mean, I was COMPLETELY in the dark and it was severely unbearable, so I really don't envy what you're going through right now.........and still quite often now, I get this feeling that I don't really know my partner all that well, or where he's at.....


The question is, what does this mean for you? How can you best look after yourself in all of this? What degree of closeness do YOU feel comfortable sharing while things are like this and what kind of closeness is your partner asking for while things are like this? I'm not pointing the finger at him, I'm just saying that everything has it's balance..... It sounds as if you've been really very supportive, loving, caring, considerate.......


For example, with my partner, I have noticed a pattern where he seems to want love, support etc, quite often without talking to me hardly at all and for a good long while, that's what i offered, but just recently I have stopped doing that, since it merely bypasses my own feelings, which DO COUNT!!! If I am to be supporting him, I at least need to know something of what is actually going on for him.........



I would say, carry on thinking about how things are for YOU, since it is obvious you are ALREADY caring, considerate, empathetic etc etc, so those are not things you need to be further concentrating on. I don't mean stop doing them/forget about them, just that naturally you're likely to be drawn to them anyway.......... There may be further stressfull times ahead.....these situations can change like the wind, so don't worry too much about things carrying on exactly like they are now.......your partner's current avoidance of talking about where he's at may well change, hopefully for you, sooner rather than later......



Oh yes, and I don't think it was such a terrible thing that you blew up with anger over everything that's happened. You're only human and and it sounds like you've been through a LOT, so please don't underestimate that.


It can be so hard just to get on with other aspects of your relationship(as suggested by honeygirl) when things are like this, so be kind to yourself. Perhaps for example, you might need limited time with your partner for the moment. No, I'm not suggesting seperation, just space for yourself within the relationship. Time just for you, where you need only be concerned with yourself, your own space, activities etc. Personally I choose to look at it this way: I feel like a wounded animal and I am taking myself off into my own safe space to recover from my own injuries.


I hope your T session is very supportive for you tonight.
I wish you some peace,
Beccy


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#187755 - 10/18/07 08:35 AM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: beccy]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Beccy;

You've got me pinned 100%. I'm doing exactly what you said, a little seperation, I contemplated sleeping in one of our spare rooms but decided not, it felt mean of me to do that. But I have given my self a little space yesterday and it was easy as my bf worked late. I take yoga 3 times a week, and I have a little sister from Big Brothers and Big Sisters, that I spend a little time with, and family (although that gets tricky as they know nothing and you can visably tell when I'm down) is close by too.
I'll be okay, I've got those survival skills down pat, it's just been a while since I've had to use them. Thanks for your post, I might just print these all out and share with my T today.

Have a great day all....thank you again.

always,
Kelly

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#187840 - 10/18/07 07:29 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
VALIDATION!!!!
I know my T is supposed to be there for me but, SHE WAS 100% blown away with my bf T session this week. She just kept appologizing for what happened to me this week. We had a good session and I've even booked her 2 more times. I told her I'm stepping out of his recovery. I've noticed in her office there are several book cases filled with books of all sorts. I gave her all 3 books that I own about CSA. If my bf wants to read he will get the books himself. Meanwhile I've paid it forward!

She understood that me blowing up was probably a good thing to get my bf to another level, he might of needed to hear me be mad, instead of always being nice, (I don't know about that one but I'll take any bit of understanding I can get right now).

She offered me to speak with his T and let him know that he made me feel very very uncomfortable and misunderstood. She said she would want that if the roles were reversed and my bf was in my shoes.

I'm backing off from my bf, and creating a little distance from him. He knows I'm hurting but letting it lye right now might be for the better for me. I know I've thanked everyone time and time again for this (say it with me girls), "Shitty-ass" week. But you all helped bring me down and sooth me. I won't be leaving you, at least not right now. I realize now in hindsight that hasty decisions are not wise. So I'll continue to be the best cheerleader I can.

This I promise is the last post on my Rant and Rave regarding this issue.

AGAIN THANK YOU TO ALL
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((XOXOX))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#187847 - 10/18/07 08:22 PM Re: My first couples session after disclosure [Re: Agape Girl]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
I'm glad it went well Kelly - It's always so nice to have someone in real life who you KNOW has your back! Relax tonight and be at peace with yourself.

ROCK ON.......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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