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#187342 - 10/15/07 09:40 PM MY SOUL IS DIENG
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
I seem to be looseing intrest in most every thing lately . I do not know the words to say . I feel like my soul has died . I am just numb
HELP I need to learn how to feel alive. The only emotions that I have left are depresion & anger . What ever happened to Love and Happness ? :-(

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#187345 - 10/15/07 09:51 PM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: OKIE MIKE]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Feel this very much Mike, what did happen to love and happiness? Ask myself alot where is my love, where is my happiness. Almost like I've done something to not deserve it.

Feel like my soul died along time ago and it wasn't a nice peaceful death but was a violent tramatic death. Like it was ripped out me.

Got some good advice about working on not living in my head, to just focus on my senses, seeing things, hearing things, smelling. Been living in my thought's for so long and not really experiencing anything. I'm having a hard time doing it but I can see it now and that help's alot. I've been told there's alot of peace outside my head, I believe it.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#187495 - 10/16/07 08:21 PM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: mogigo]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
I guess no one gives a shit

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#187499 - 10/16/07 08:55 PM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: OKIE MIKE]
Gerald2007 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 157
Loc: Southeastern US
Michael,
I am sorry you are having to deal with this shit.You know the guys on here care. Maybe they don't know what to say, but rest assure they are here for you.

Maybe it would help to talk about why you are so angry and depressed.

Grace & Peace
Gerald

_________________________
Alumnus: Weekend of Recovery - Dahlonega, May 2008 and May 2009
We are bound together by the pain of the past and our hopes for the future.

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#187570 - 10/17/07 02:14 AM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: Gerald2007]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Mike, am I correct in thinking that you've been diagnosed with PTSD?

Have you ever found out where your perp lives?

You're married, and have successfully raised a couple kids haven't you? Is your soul "dead" when you look into the eyes of one of your children?


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#187577 - 10/17/07 03:17 AM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: Hauser]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
I'm either a mess, or what you describe- just empty tired dead nothing, no interest in anything, just taking up space.
I'm not sure what's worse. It's easier to go there than feel anything sometimes, at first its not bad, but then it's like being sat on 24/7 by a silent black elephant that's also an empty hole. I feel for you, even if you don't feel much of anything right now.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#187578 - 10/17/07 03:28 AM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: Hauser]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
Yes I have ben diagnoised with cronic PTSD. I have ben maried 3 times.
My children are grown (27 & 21) I dont get to see them much . One lives in Oregon and the other one lives about 40 miles from me . He is a workahoic and I hardly get to see him . I wish that I could see more of my 2 1/2 year old grandson Nickalie , because he is the one thing that makes me feel alive
It just seems that I have ben realy down for the last year

The last lead that I had on the SOB was in San Antoino but that was a dead end . He is a Veteran . There should be a way to find him through the VA.system If they would release the information . I will neaver quit looking until I find him or his grave .
Sory I can't spell so good

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#187687 - 10/17/07 08:27 PM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: OKIE MIKE]
Gerald2007 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 157
Loc: Southeastern US
Mike,
Perhaps I am coming in late on your situation. So if I am asking questions that you have answered before, please forgive me.

What would you do if you found your abuser,and more importantly...what would you say?

Grace & Peace
Gerald

_________________________
Alumnus: Weekend of Recovery - Dahlonega, May 2008 and May 2009
We are bound together by the pain of the past and our hopes for the future.

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#187716 - 10/18/07 12:20 AM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: Gerald2007]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
I would do every thing in my power to have Him prosicuted to the full extent of the law . then I would take him into a civil court . And sue him for every thing he has or ever will have
The anger has had 30 years to smolder and burn
As far as what would I say.... I thought you were my friend , but you turned out to be a sick evil person . I hope that you burn in hell. Because You destroyed any chance that I would of had at deasent life .


_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

Top
#187838 - 10/18/07 07:18 PM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: OKIE MIKE]
Gerald2007 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 157
Loc: Southeastern US
Michael,
Have you ever imagined what you would feel like, if you found your abuser, had him prosecuted, and was able to get all money?

How would that make you feel? How would that help you to get over the anger and depression you you are now feeling?

You don't have to answer here..just to yourself if that's what you are most comfortable with.

Grace & Peace,
Gerald

_________________________
Alumnus: Weekend of Recovery - Dahlonega, May 2008 and May 2009
We are bound together by the pain of the past and our hopes for the future.

Top
#187866 - 10/18/07 11:29 PM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: Gerald2007]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Mike-
i understand the feelings, part of me would love to find my perp alone in dark alley somewhere. The anger born from my abuse has come out in bad ways in my past- i was looking at 60 yrs. for my loss of control at one time. I try to remember it's OK to BE angry, just not OK to DO "angry"; my Dad's temper used to terrify me, and although i know my perp is (or was) not an innocent child, smashing his skull open wouldn't make the bad memories go away, after the glee died out, it would just make me feel like being a monster is handed down; just changed from pedophilia to murderous rage.

I hope you are able to find out what happened to the bastard, dead or alive- I'm still trying to find out what happened to my perp myself.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#187872 - 10/19/07 12:36 AM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: Gerald2007]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
SEEING HIM IN JAIL WOULD DO ME THE MOST GOOD , AS FAR AS THE MONEY GOES I WOULD USE IT FOR A CHILDRENS EDUCATION PROGRAM THAT WOULD HELP PREVENT CHILD ABUSE

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#187887 - 10/19/07 02:59 AM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: Gerald2007]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
michael I sent message to care2, remeber I am your friend

you rest and relax and try to keep sending messages out there

not sure what you need to do but I am here for you

MJ

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#187934 - 10/19/07 12:46 PM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: michael Joseph]
Power_water Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/14/07
Posts: 45
Loc: Portland, OR, USA
I want to find my perp,

I know he is old and long since dead.

But I need to find him.

I know this is a very seperate part of the healing process.

but for me it is an open blank void, begging to be filled in.

who was he? how many others did he abuse? was he part of a small group of friends, a ring, or worse and organization?

I need to know who he was. Otherwise I will never completely know how he connected to and crushed me.

Mike I pray that you find him, dead or alive.

_________________________
Bring works of darkness to light

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#187962 - 10/19/07 08:16 PM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: Power_water]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
Karma is a strange thing , We reap what we sew . Even though my
perp may be dead . I believe that his punishment is just begining.
My soul has ben tormented for over 30 years because of what happened so long ago . But I hope that his soul is tormented forever . May he burn in Hell

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

Top
#187982 - 10/19/07 10:15 PM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: OKIE MIKE]
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Michael - don't worry about your spelling...we are only concerned that you say what you want to.

I wish the managers/directors where I work would spell at least as well as you do (they type fast, and make loads of mistakes & we have to work out what they are saying) - I can understand every sentence you type. Be proud of yourself - you have come here and said what you wanted to - I hope others will do the same.

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#192880 - 11/27/07 11:30 PM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: Gerald2007]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
mike hugs

michael

let me know how you are doing

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

Top
#192912 - 11/28/07 06:02 AM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: michael Joseph]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Michael

have agreat day, think positive

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

Top
#192916 - 11/28/07 06:53 AM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: michael Joseph]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mike, and others,

I know for a fact that the man who abused me when I was little is dead. I visited his grave and scattered over it the ashes of a letter I had written to him. I also know he must have died unhappy, or at least I know that when he died his son (probably another victim) didn't even attend the funeral. Many people who once respected his memory now despise it, knowing what he did to me and so many others.

But you know how much that helped me? Not a bit. I learned that I couldn't change what he did to me: I can ony change how I react to those terrible days. That's my choice. I can decide to hate him forever, or I can choose not to allow him any more control over my life than what he has had already.

Even when I was writing the letter to him I had decided, without thinking of it in these specific terms, to let it go. Not to forgive. That I will never do. And I never gave up my RIGHT to hate him. I just decided that he wasn't worth another second of my time or emotional energy. I wasn't going to let him continue to traumatize me even from his grave.

It wasn't easy to let go, that's for sure. I'm not sure I have achieved that even now. But I can assure you, every step along that road is a step taken for me and not for him.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#193033 - 11/28/07 07:08 PM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: roadrunner]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
Lary , I am glad that You Were able to put this behind you , I have not ben able to do this yet. After 30 years he still haunts my dreams.He has managed to kill my emotions to the point that all that I can feel for him is comptimt

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

Top
#193158 - 11/29/07 01:15 PM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: OKIE MIKE]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Michael,

I have gone through very same feeings as you do. T and antidepressant meds helped me. I mean a good T who will be your trusted partner in healing, and a safe med that you can test-drive at first and see what happens.

I really want to support you, and I understand you perfectly.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#194187 - 12/07/07 12:13 AM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: OKIE MIKE]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Michael HUGS

Hope to hear from you soon

your friend michael

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#194192 - 12/07/07 01:23 AM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: Gerald2007]
mvnforwrd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 216
Loc: NJ
Mike
how are you today? ive just about read everything i can on ms and your words made me think made me think real hard 2 months ago you needed help you were left with anger and depression please tell me how you are today.

mvnforwrd

_________________________
Take your foot out of yesterday and your other foot out of tomorro or you will keep pissing allover today!

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#194305 - 12/07/07 11:49 PM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: mvnforwrd]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 982
Loc: HULBERT OK
The body is still breathing and the heart still beats
But the soul has departed

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

Top
#195050 - 12/13/07 04:13 AM Re: MY SOUL IS DIENG [Re: OKIE MIKE]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
i hope the soul finds its way back

life has been difficult for me the last few months

I am keeping my head up

I am a wonderful man with many talents

only person sticking up for me is me.

you are a true friend michael

hugs michael



Edited by michael Joseph (12/13/07 04:15 AM)
_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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