Our church service yesterday was on the topic of CSA and the damage it causes to our interior worlds. I am a member of the staff and knew it was coming. As the service drew near, I started experiencing fear and anxiety. I really wasn't sure how I was going to react. One of the interview is with a close friend of mine as we have shared exstensively about our childhoods.

As the service and the interviews started, I found myself disconnecting my emotions. Ok, I totally disconnected after the first few minutes.

We have two indentical services back to back. By the end of the second service. I started experiencing rectal pain (I was raped on more than one occasion). I have never remembered that pain, before. I've also not been aware of how I disconnect emotionally before yesterday.

Thanks,

Richard.

Sounds like there was some healing/recovery going on with Richard, yes?

I am sorry for the pain you remembered - but I think the fact you gained a new awareness of how much you disconnected emotionally was a good thing. A very large step of recovery, and I celebrate that step with you.

As for how quickly you disconnected, I understand. I also have a habit of completely disconnecting all at once. In fact, I've always thought "connection" was an "on or off" kinda thing.

I hope you see the good in your post, Richard. And I hope you can accept it as your victory that day.

M

Mark,

Thanks, I hadn't really seen the victories, but you are right there are many just from yesterday.

Richard.

I agree with Mark... that pain is so scary and uncomfortable, but a good step toward recovery.

I too have had physical sensations that crop up... at first I was very upset, but they have dissipated some (I was not raped, but my abuser never used lubrication, so penetration was always painful initially) He also would hold my head into the couch if I made any noise, and I have had some very scary memories of that recently... I'm very claustrophotic to this day. It sucks that getting better can be so painful

I want to add my congratulations to Mark's. You are very brave and strong to be here, to be sharing these experiences, and for moving forward in your recovery.

Dan

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Thanks guys,

I'm not looking forward to completely remembering the pain and brutality. I know it's around the corner,thou.

So much of who I am and what is going on inside, has been without labels. It has been extremely helpful to start to understand what and why and give those things names.

Richard.

Richard,

I remember practically nothing, so I am kinda watching what others are going through as they do remember. Not that I will have the same experiences, but so I have an idea of what kinda thing I could experience.

Because of this, I REALLY APPRECIATE your sharing. It takes a lot of courage to post things about ourselves, especially in the realm of our recovery from CSA.

Thank you.

M

Mark,

You're welcome.

Richard.