So, the story around our house lately is relentless self-sabotage.
We had a perfectly lovely and agreeable day on Saturday, which started in an absolutely pleasant manner as we all slept in--at least for a while
--and arose feeling rested and content. We had the entire day at home, doing chores and increasing orderliness, and a good and satisfying family dinner.
Then we watched (after my daughter went to sleep) a biopic about Bill Wilson, one of the founders of AA. It has been one of my BF's favorites, but he was quite disturbed seeing it this time with me, because he was realizing how much some of his current behavior (and mine) was reflected on the screen as the Bill W. character and his wife struggled to reach a true equilibrium. (Not actually established, from the evidence presented there, or so it seems to me.)
So what did he do yesterday? No surprise--he took off. No call, no email. It was not a pleasant day for us, since I was very tense and distracted, but we survived with few ill effects.
He showed up at home at about 6:00 am and is now sleeping, after the first time ever really weeping about it all with me. Before, he's been teary, but only a little bit; or angry, mostly, so so angry. He is so tired of screwing himself up, I know that. And he feels so stuck.
For the first time, he is making some connections between his current behavior of running away and his alcoholism--as though this were a variation of a "dry drunk." Pretty accurate, it seems to my uninformed self. And for the first time, it seems, he is connecting the alcoholism to the CSA. Well, it's good that he is doing that now. Amazing, isn't it, how many layers there are to all of this?
He has been making some effort to find a therapist, I know, and will probably start with someone this week. I am going to suggest meeting with our joint therapist again asap. The other meetings will happen eventually, though I do want a timeline for those.
I do think that he is ready for change, and ready to do what it takes. I hope that he will also feel strong enough to visit this site, at least in little doses.
I hate those men who did this to him. No punishment would be adequate.