i know i need to face my life
both the abuse in my past, and accept it WAS abuse
and my present life - the issues that need attention

i know that this pain i feel is depression
i recognize it for what it is doing to me
and i realize it is something that must be dealt with
and managed

i know that i have a loving family
and caring friends here online
and in my peer support group

i know i have a new T who seems to honestly care about my wellbeing

but i'm tired
whether i like to admit it or not
"knowing" isn't some magic cure, or great doorway into the solutions to issues.

sometimes i wonder if it really means anything at all
except that my brain functions

woo hoo

i keep searching for memories - my life prior to age 14.
but i sometimes wonder if getting those memories back will really change anything

knowing doesn't always help

I'm sorry Markk. I don't know if I was forced... Because I don't want to say that I was incase nothing happens. Bad memory problems... Because if it did I need to get help for it.

For me personally, I would like to remember...so I know that hey...I am like this for a reason! Then I just plan on working it all out and trying to repair the damage done...its going to be a painstakingly long process...but I think it will be healthy.

Yes mtd. I couldn't have said it better myself.

Well said, Mark.

If I knew what I was trying to remember, I might not have tried so hard to remember it.

My belief is that it is the emotions that we need to work through, not necessarily the memories themselves. When it comes down to it, I now have these memories that weren't there three months ago. I thought I needed them to move forward. I thought I needed them to stop minimizing what happened to me. Now, here I am three months later, and I'm still minimizing. I'm still wondering "did that really happen? Or was it just a dream?"

Bryan

The pursuit of truth will set you free, even if you never catch up with it.

Your memory of the event is only a small part of what was bottled up inside you. The Damage is deep and wide and if you could show a video of the abuse happening, people they wouldn't understand the extent of the damage. These memories are only the tip of the iceberg.

Have you ever broken a leg?

Well imagine this. Your leg was broken when you were a child, and nobody noticed or cared. They told you to stand up and walk like a man. and eventually you did, and in a sick twisted way your broken leg healed. But it wasn't right, it was still messed up, and it hurt. but you started telling yourself it's fine, it's nothing, it will get better soon.

These memories that have pounded upon you, are just a distrubing X-ray of just how broken your leg really is.
of course you want to deny it! Of course you don't want to believe it. Who would, Knowing the Pain and surgury and rehabilitative therapy you would have go through to repair it.

But it's there, the memories are back, the X-ray is right in front of you. When you're ready you can move forward with the really painful therapy, and in time things will start to improve, for you.
I promise you if you stick with this with a little more faith, Then in a few months or years you will notice and say "hey I'm not the same person I was a while ago, things are gradually getting better"

I hope you can feel our support for you here.

hey, thanx for the come-back PW. I like the analogy of the broken leg - it puts things in perspective well.

M

Hi,

I guess I can add my 'two cents' here. Some things I don't know, and only feel the effect they had. I'm already aware of enough that I know happened and have had to deal with since, to know that whether I know or don't know seems almost irrelevant, since damage happened and must be dealt with if healing is to happen. We all deal with it in different ways (as you probably know), and need not dig for anything in order to have plenty to work on.
No, there is no magic cure or one-size-fits-all solution. There are things that work for you that won't work for me, and vice versa (unique personalities and temperaments are the main reason). But pursuing health is a worthwhile goal, as shown by the 'broken leg' analogy. We can each hope that the encouragement and help we offer says that what happened to each of us matters, and that we care.

Ed