Newest Members
journey4two, VASurvivor, jayceemac, rwolf, FindingNemo
12328 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
cja (49), crackerjack (55), nursemanda25 (33)
Who's Online
2 registered (motmcd, 1 invisible), 21 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12328 Members
74 Forums
63403 Topics
443287 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#187188 - 10/14/07 10:31 PM What are you doing here?
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
Everyone,

I've been involved in too many discussions about recent 'imposters' and such, and I think I've settled on what my final thoughts are about these people and those who have been hurt by them.

I would like to encourage and remind all the members of the board what your ultimate goal here is: your own recovery. That must come first. Focus on the strides you are making personally in your own journey - and don't allow anyone to stomp on that with their half truths and dishonesty.

Something I have personally come to realize in my lifetime is that the truth really does set you free. It's the collateral you must put up in order to obtain healing. I'm not sure what dishonest folks are getting out of the boards but I can tell you that it isn't honest, genuine recovery. They might be attempting to fill a frozen need from childhood -- a need for attention and caring and genuine compassion. I'm sure they get buckets of that here which I don't think is a bad thing.

Chances are there are many here who have given a great deal, or many bucketfuls TO those dishonest ones whom are getting only that -- attention. It hasn't helped them at all to be deceitful. It hasn't helped them at all to be untrue to others and untrue to themselves. It hasn't helped them in the way they need help the most. This is not the fault of those who tried to help. It's about how these people utilize the help that is given and under a shield of lies they can't possibly put it to use in the way intended.

Finally, To those who are vacating the site over recent events and how that has affected your ability to trust others here: Please don't forget your primary goal -- your own recovery. That MUST come first. Please also consider whether or not leaving the site will help or hinder your primary objective here.

Cheers,
Brian

P.S. I know I'm a bit late in posting this. I've just had one too many friends say they're leaving the site due to recent events. This is my 2 cents, take it or leave it.



Edited by frost (10/15/07 04:11 AM)
_________________________
Boom!

Top
#187228 - 10/15/07 05:47 AM Re: What are you doing here? [Re: frost]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Brian,

You are so right. Recent events just highlight something we need to be thinking about all the time anyway. It isn't selfish to say "I am here for me first". Isn't that what we would say if we went anywhere else for help and support? That doesn't mean the rest of the world can fuck off; it just means that if I want to be strong for others, I can't give strength that I don't have for myself first.

There's a lot of caring and support on offer here on the site, and as Gerald pointed out in a very powerful post a few days ago, just the act of supporting or reaching out is something we can view as helping ourselves as well. What the other guy does with our comments is often difficult to see, and of course that's for him to decide. If he ignores them, okay; and at the same time, if he's here for the wrong reasons that doesn't change the fact that we have reached out. It is still an empowering act and a potent way to fight off the bad feelings we so often have about ourselves.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#187240 - 10/15/07 08:07 AM Re: What are you doing here? [Re: roadrunner]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
Brian

I agree with you as well. I look at myself and considered going too. But in retrospect I have gained so much from the site (with the good and the bad experiences). I have gotton to know myself and understand myself better.

The help I received here was tremendous and sometimes I feel sad that some of my friends here are leaving. I mean it was not me doing that to them and yet it feels like I am being punished for it.

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

Top
#187244 - 10/15/07 08:35 AM Re: What are you doing here? *DELETED* [Re: pietie]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Post deleted by ttoon

_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

Top
#187374 - 10/16/07 03:14 AM Re: What are you doing here? [Re: roadrunner]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
Larry, I think you said what I was kinda trying to get at... If you dispense help... consider it helpful to yourself first, and to whom your helping second.

What they do with that help is irrelevant to YOUR recovery.

Thanks for your reply.
~Brian

_________________________
Boom!

Top
#187376 - 10/16/07 03:19 AM Re: What are you doing here? [Re: ttoon]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
pietie and dave...

absolutely well said... and to say it again... if you've been hurt by those frauds and such... try not to take it personally, and please make your decision to remain at MS.org based on YOUR recovery, not what has occurred here. Your leaving removes the possibility of you using this site to aide in your primary objective: your recovery. You leaving removes the possibility of you using the site to aide in your secondary objective: the recovery of your friends on the board!

Cheers,
~Brian

_________________________
Boom!

Top
#187377 - 10/16/07 03:38 AM Re: What are you doing here? [Re: frost]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
I'll chime in by saying I was initially nonplussed by finding the site, checking it out, and thinking, "Great. I finally am taking a step in the right direction, and this place JUST HAPPENS to have JUST been trolled. Now I'll sign up, post and be ignored, take that as another cosmic 'F- you', and give up all over again."
After reading all the responses to the situation, I feel much better now- I just remember that nasty people are one of the few things that are OK to ignore until they go away, at least in the context of a website.
I've found button-pushers have a BIG button that gives them away most of the time- if you always respond, instead of react(not our strong suit always, I know), they will get bored or frustrated show their hand.
This is OUR site,not theirs.
I refuse to let some anonymous jerk with no empathy screw up my chance for a life.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

Top
#187561 - 10/17/07 01:12 AM Re: What are you doing here? [Re: dgoods]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Brian said the primary purpose of this place is to work on our personal recovery. I agree with that. Interacting here is an excellent way to learn how to deal with real life issues that I may be having difficulty with due to the abuse.

I think the subject under discussion boils down to the issues of trust and safety. Everyone knows there are people in real life who are unsafe or untrustworthy. Each of us is evidence of that unfortunate fact. As much as we’d like it to be otherwise, at times there are uncool things that happen here. Would I be learning any valuable life lessons if I never had to negotiate the unsafe or untrustworthy behavior of someone else, either here or in the real world? Probably not. There is no guarantee of everyone here being trustworthy, but there are a LOT of very trustworthy, safe, and caring men here who are watching out for one another.

When I first came here I trusted no one, but the fact of the matter is that I was and am absolutely safe here. It’s as simple as that. No one can harm me, NO ONE. I don’t think I ever once thought of this place as safe in all the time I've been here, not because it is or isn't, but because I understand that I need to watch out for myself. No one can harm me here unless I give out personal information concerning myself that makes it possible for someone with unhealthy designs to do me some kind of personal, real life damage.

The discussion board and chat room are in reality nothing more than text on a screen and cannot hurt me. Yes, I can allow myself to get close to a cyber friend, and he can then willingly or inadvertently say something using those words to hurt or attempt to hurt me, but it’s still just words on the screen. It is up to me, just as in real life, whether I allow an individual the kind of power over me that can damage my recovery because of the text they put up on the screen.

Some find this place to be of great benefit, myself being one, but I'm under no illusions that it will substitute for developing real world relationships and learning to function in the real world. In the process of interacting here, I learn some real life lessons that I can take with me into the real world, and along the way I make some really awesome friends.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#187573 - 10/17/07 02:42 AM Re: What are you doing here? [Re: WalkingSouth]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
These are all excellent points. I'm coming off maybe a little bull-in-a-china-shop I guess. My apologies if I come off like a loud frantic jerk at times, still obviously have boundary issues along w/ everything else...
Thanks for responding, not easy for me to hear, but needed.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

Top
#187574 - 10/17/07 02:53 AM Re: What are you doing here? [Re: WalkingSouth]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
This place just in real life are never a "safe place". In real life we get conned as well. How many times - and we are living testaments of that - do we hear the phrase "I never expected that of so and so". Reality is even in real life we think we know somebody. We think so or so is a good person. We are friends and talk to each other regularly and then it hits. This same person is having an affair or hitting his wife or ... you fill in the rest. We are deceived in real life, so easily so why do we think coming here is safer?

And I agree with WS. No one can harm you unless you let that person. I had some bad experiences in here because I came in here trustig everybody. But I have moved on from that. I am still here. I am still getting a lot of support, have friends in here. Are they real? I dont know, I just know that they have offered me a lot of help in the past dealing with my issues. So take the best from what you learn here and leave the bad stuff. I think we had enough bad in our lives.

I can not tell you how I have changed in the past months being in here. I have grown so much and I have come to a point where I start understanding my actions and my struggles. I have shared a lot in here, perhaps more than I should have but through sharing to me there came healing and new perspectives.

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.