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#187175 - 10/14/07 09:35 PM Did it really happen?***TRIGGERS***
Marinan Offline

Registered: 07/03/07
Posts: 329

I still have trouble believing myself. you know? I don't know sometimes, if I was forced into sex.. I don't know if I was violated, I mean. I know that I was put into illegal shock treatments. I was hurt, but, I just don't know sometimes... I am in shock. I've been in shock for three years... You'd think that since I was forced only a few times I would think of myself more than just a sexual slurr. I am hurt. Somehow, I don't know how.

I am not an empty person but, I can't seem to feel anything sometimes, am I still bleeding from all of the wounds? They still feel fresh. I have had a normal life for over 10 years. Yes... a normal life for 10 years, but at 19/20, I've been in a mental coma.

#187223 - 10/15/07 04:33 AM Re: Did it really happen?***TRIGGERS*** [Re: Marinan]
frost Offline

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?

It took me an extremely long time to finally stop with the denial. I don't mean outward denial. I could tell people that I was abused, however I couldn't really convince myself -- internally. After several 'wake up calls' I think I finally got the message. I still struggle with it from time to time but for the most part now I do manage to get through days without relapsing into self-blame mode.

I am personally extremely disconnected from my own emotions. I find my emotions can get up into my throat and thats as far as they come. I can rarely cry; and some days, like you, i just wish i could really *feel* something.

I've been told it will come with time. I'm starting to get closer and closer to my emotional self. If only for a few brief moments every week... It's a significant improvement over 2 times in the 8 years preceding starting recovery.

Hang in there,

I farted so huge, my ass exploded. There was poo everywhere and it got into the fan too. What a fucking mess.


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