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#1871 - 07/30/03 06:35 PM Had to Come Here
Redsongbird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/01
Posts: 209
Hey,
I don't know why I had to come here. I just have so many feelings going through my head right now as I am online. I am sitting here naked, staring at the computer..anyone else ever do this naked? I don't know what I'm thinking. Sorry that was uncalled for. I feel raw. I feel down. I feel lonely. I feel like another memory is trying to force it's way back to my thoughts instead of staying where it should. How could there be ANY more! I want to open up more on here. I need male friends. But I am so scared. Men...in my life...neighbors, step father, others, and then a sexual assualt...they all wanted the same thing. Geez, I am lucky that my wife and I have sex at all. Come to think of it...thats been off too. Started back at the gym.....swimming but I don't talk with anyone unless they talk first and there hasn't been anyone to start. I know I "appear alright" to others but on the inside I am ...I am....I am not sure what to say to complete that. I have the place to myself here for a while. I am going to put on a "Ocean" sounds CD, light a candle and sit in the tub with the water running down on me. Maybe thats it I feel ..dirty...I feel like I am about to cry. The phone is turned off, a chair is under the doorknob...no one is going to disturb me. I needed to make contact here. I need to feel like there are some other men who know how this feels.
Tobey


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#1872 - 07/30/03 08:05 PM Re: Had to Come Here
bikergary Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/18/03
Posts: 32
Loc: Nevada
Hey Tobey,

You are not alone in several respects. Men friends are something we all long for and are so difficult to find. The more perps there were the more difficult it is to trust and believe that not everyone is out to take advantage of us.

On the lighter side, I sometimes sit at the computer naked too so you are not alone in that respect either. \:\)

As far as the memories go, I am a believer that we have to deal with them to get rid of them or they will just continue to fester. Some days it is really difficult to deal with that pain tho.

Hang in there, guy.
Gary

_________________________
WoR Alumni - Hope Springs, Oct 23-25, 2009

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#1873 - 07/30/03 09:17 PM Re: Had to Come Here
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
redsongbird,

I guess you musta been sitting naked in the sun too long......

I think that is funny about your being...........HEY wait a minute, what the heck! How could this happen.... I'M NAKED TOO!!!!!!!!


All seriousness aside, I think it is important that we are able to chuckle at ourselves, because we guys here are infamous for our lack of posturing.

Boy is that ever the superlative healthiness!!!

I hereby declare that clothes are forever banned from this website, not only that butt at the conference as well!

We are now officially the "NAKED Organization of Male Survivors".

As usual,

Speechless

ps: incase you didn't know, I was laughing "with" not "at", though if you saw me without clothes it definately would be the other way 'round...........

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#1874 - 07/31/03 09:43 AM Re: Had to Come Here
Redsongbird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/01
Posts: 209
Hello my fellow naked Male Survivors! ha
Thanks for replying. Coming here last nite just seemed exactly what I needed. And now with your two replys it seems even more beneficial. It's nice to make contact with other men who understand. And gee I thought I was the only one who posted in the nude! ha Maybe that should be a poll. lol I do believe that I am starting to deal with some new memory. Yesterday and then a day last week the same thing happened. I do agree that they need to be dealt with. I just really didn't think there were any more to deal with. Alright I am sitting here naked again butt have to go do some errands. Thanks for the replys again. I feel more connected today.

Tobey


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#1875 - 07/31/03 10:51 AM Re: Had to Come Here
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Redsongbird:

I see by your # that you have been here for a long time. I have never met you so I say HELLO. It is good to have you back again.

Quote:
I do believe that I am starting to deal with some new memory. Yesterday and then a day last week the same thing happened. I do agree that they need to be dealt with.
You got that right. Remember you cannot change the facts. But you can change the beliefs, emotions and responsibility. Whtatever it was it was not your fault ever.

I know what you mean about Male Friends. For so long I could not comprehend that. Oh I knew men that I supposedly was friends with but secretly I was always assessing when would they go after what they really wanted. I believed I had a neon sign on my forehead broadcasting what I was good at.

I joined a health Club to in January of this year. Scared to death. Naked men in the showers. Naked men only meant one thing to me. I was about to be forced to perform. Well you know what it did not happen. I joined because all my life I hid the great body I had when I was abused. I just said screw it I want a reasonable facsimilie of it back. I force myself to talk and ask questions. I find the easiest way is to pick a guy who is really in great shape and is handy when I am doing an exercise and ask him if he thinks I am doing it wrong and if he can give me any tips. You know breaking the ice and using common ground. It works for me and it might work for you.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#1876 - 07/31/03 06:50 PM Re: Had to Come Here
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Tobey
It's nice to see you coming back for a bit of support, or whatever you need on the day.

I keep my clothes on, it's not a pretty sight without them !

Dave ;\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#1877 - 07/31/03 07:38 PM Re: Had to Come Here
Redsongbird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/01
Posts: 209
Thanks Mikey and Dave for the reply. Yes, I was here long time ago. Not sure what year it was exactly. But I always find myself coming back here to read. This is really the only place where these topics can be talked about. I started dealing with this stuff when I was 30...I am not 42 and not once have I met another man who has gone through anything. I have been in groups but always I would be the only man. Even though I "know" I am not the only one by reading these it sometimes feels that way.

I am dealing with another memory. I am forsure of that today. I just do not want to admit what it is to myself. I don't want to deal with it right now. Especially since starting today is my wife's vacation from now till next Tuesday. I do not want this to come to the surface while she is suppose to have time to relax. SO if at all possible I am going to deal with this later. I know anyone who has dealt with memories (including myself) is thinking you are fooling yourself most of the time my memories come back in a forced kind of way. This one is very strange. I am not working this summer so I have quite a bit of free time right now. I find myself keep driving to a certain spot and right now I know something happened there but it is not clear. And I am not sure I even want to know. Last week I was out going somewhere...running errands when I just "felt" that I needed to drive to this place. The erge was so strong that I just decided to do it.....once there I just walked around. I did that today also.

Thanks Mikey for the advice about the gym. I will try it. You mentioned being scared in the showers. Thanks for mentioning that because I have been also. Luckily this place has individual showers with doors on them but still I get in there and then I feel like how the hell am I ever going to make it to the locker. Each time it does get better though. Then there another problem which I might as well just go ahead and say it but sometimes I get excited while in there also. So THAT makes it difficult also. I know thats probably a whole noter post!

Dave - I might email/post in the nude but I never said it was purty! 8-=) It has always amazed me why I was ever chosen by any of these men!

Seems like I am always going to the shower when I am getting off here but anyways it's been very hot today and a cool shower sounds like just the right thing.

Tobey


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#1878 - 08/01/03 12:13 AM Re: Had to Come Here
TheTraveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/24/03
Posts: 10
Loc: Richardson, TX
Hey Tobey,

The thoughts of feeling down, feeling dirty, feeling lonely, etc... are all to frequent for a lot of guys, but I definitely know the thoughts and feelings very well. The accompany me too often. However, at times I try to start doing little things for myself and only a very few things at that. That way I can feel as if I have accomplished something and that I am not a total loss as a person. No shame to schedule 1 or 2 items to do and then reward yourself by relaxing in the tub with candles &/or music and scheduling time for yourself (ironic since I spend a lot of time alone anyway but this is my time where I am not expected to do anything but be by myself and enjoy cool music and a drink that I put in the freezer to make slushy before I take it to the tub.) Moreover, I wanted to really touch base on the subject of going to the gym. I would never work out for I used to always get an erection when I take my clothes off, even at home with no sexual thoughts in my head. It was a conditioned response and I believe and have read that the human body (especially males) carry stress below our chest and any sensation/pressure can cause 'an arousal' even though sexual thoughts are not there. Such as wearing a pair of slacks that fit a certain way, leaning against a car while repairing it, or the removal of a belt to relax, etc... can trigger a feeling of a need to 'release' pressure/stress. Anyway - back to the gym, I was finally convinced at my last job to go and work out since I had talked about it for months (and I needed the stress release since I was no longer jogging.) Anyway, the first few months were the worst and most scary thoughts about 'sticking out' while in the open showers. My best defense was to not put myself in a mentally defeated mode before I went to work out. I would have to tell myself that I am a man that look just as well as the other guys there and that I was confident that I was going to workout and feel good that I accomplished at least going to the gym to workout. I would have to work hard to block any old messages of self-condemnation or comparisons. After a few months, I was not trying as much to focus to avoid getting an erection while totally nude and in the showers, it was becoming an accepted environment with the guys around. I would focus my conversation and my eyes on the man and not on body parts. Now I did look at others by a quick glance, and I would think 'so that is how he looks' and not allow my mind to wonder. It is also important to try the gym at a regular time so that you get used to the same guys and don't have to worry about a whole new crew. Be aware, plenty of guys are checking others out, but I don't want to be judgemental as to why they are and I would encourage you not to do so either. They can be very insecure or jealous, or even fantasizing; however, that is their deal as long as it is not obvious or too close to you - that is if they are not offense. I always enjoyed the dry saunas and that was the next item to tackle which I was able to do (I am not saying this in an over-confident way since anyone can fall at times when we are careless.) I later became more bold and started playing racquetball where it was a win or lose situation and that was very tough for me because it easy for me to make excuses about me being a loser before we starting (back to the mental self-defeating mode again to avoid the pain of lossing being called a loser - it would be an innocent comment from others but for me it was about more that a game.) Plus body contact would happen many times by accident. An innocent hug to avoid a crash as you run toward the same side of the court, a racquetball pat on the butt, horsing around with a doubles partner, etc. I would have to be aware of my body and who I am at all times, and that I was a team player in a sport and not a loser (even though my score was lower that the others at times.) The whole thing of showing up at the gym was a gradual move, and I eventually started making friends through small conversations and comments like "I'm glad I am here but I wish I was finished and dressing to leave." or after a workout I would comment while dressing "So, my doctor says this is good for me. I ain't seen him here one time." Of course, you can do these when you are getting ready to walk out of the locker room so you don't have to stay and talk unless a conversation starts. Also, guys seem to be more inclined to talk to you when you come in and appear to have a set agenda with your workout schedule. It is one of those 'in control' appearance things.

I have since joined a new gym since I had to switch jobs and work locations. I was very depressed over leaving friends at my last job, the situation why I left, and more importantly the close friends that I had made at the gym to play racquetball, wallyball & volleyball, jogging, and solving world hunger while sitting in the sauna with a couple of friends. I have been a very closed person at this new gym for over a year. I don't do team sports, just things alone like the treadmill and weights. Recently I have started to make some friends by just looking their direct in the weight room, giving a big sigh and a confident laughable type smile before pushing weights. It usually is the opening for a one-line comment, but it is a start. I believe that you can tell which guys that are approachable for a quick 1 line comment and before you know it, after a few back and forth comments, you are engaged in a conversation. Later, just stick your hand out and say, "By the way, my name is Tobey, and you are..." Say their name back to them and when you end your conversation say their name again as you say 'Well, enjoy your workout and see you around." I would pick guys that I would not necessarily be interested in, but then again, if I was really struggling with someone by just their appearance, I would try to make a point to talk with them and have a couple of conversations to learn their name and then the mystery of 'what are they like' is gone and any 'excitement' issues are lessened or even removed.

Anyway, I have not posted many responses, and usually don't. I hope this does not seem forward or pushy, it is just some thoughts that I have about going to the gym. I personally feel it is one way for me to get in touch with identifying about being a man by being around men in vulnerable settings, yet growing in confidence about my boundaries. It helps when you have a steady person to see and talk with at the gym. I know you'll do well and you are already doing great. Thanks for the opportunity to share this with you. Don't shy away from the gym where you can legitimately take care of yourself physically and mentally. I believe that I have grown personally, and I hope to continue the journey...

Take care of yourself and the best to you.

Arthur

_________________________
The greatest thing a man can do for his Heavenly Father is to be kind to some of His other children - Drummond.

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#1879 - 08/01/03 03:24 AM Re: Had to Come Here
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
hey Tobey,

I'd better admit that I sometimes am not fully clothed sitting at the computer, after giving bikergary a time in the chat room. It's a comfort thing. Like listening to the sounds of the ocean.

Turn off the phone, lock the doors, get naked, and listen to your ocean CD. Sounds like a wonderful way to relax, to recharge the mental batteries so you are ready for what is coming.

Do relax,

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#1880 - 08/03/03 07:03 PM Re: Had to Come Here
Redsongbird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/01
Posts: 209
Arthur & Bill - Just a note that I am leaving for a few days..be back on wednesday. I will certainly reply to your post. Thanks for your replys. And Bill what part of MI are you in? I'm near Flint.
Tobey


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