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#184091 - 10/02/07 12:50 PM Here we go
Somethingnot Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/02/07
Posts: 7
Here goes:

I'm a 24 year old student, but finally about to graduate from college this semester (yay!).

I was sexually and physically abused for about 4 years from 9 to 13, and I'm very aware of how it has affected me as I've grown into a man. I have an intense fear of social situations that's actually caused me alot of problems in my life. It sometimes gets so extreme that I can't get myself to leave my apartment because I'm afraid of going outside. This caused me issues at college alot because, believe it or not, to pass many classes you must first actually attend them. Amazing, right?

I have some quirks that I'm sure stem from it, like twitching, hyerventilating, and panic attacks. One that drives my girlfriend crazy is that whenever I'm nervous I heave/breath out quickly three times. I think this developed from praying when I was child real quickly during the abuse. Eventually the words disappeared but the breathing used to say them stayed. I do it an awful lot.

I also have some bizarre sexual fetishes that I know are just reenactments of the abuse. I wonder is that common? It makes me very unhappy to think that I would want to relive what was done to me, or that my sexual desires might betray me that way. I hate it, actually.

The abuse is very difficult for me to understand and rationalize, and until fairly recently I was in denial about it. I would either tell myself it wasn't that bad, or that his heart was in the right place but his actions were inappropriate, or that others had it worse than me. The fact is, these memories and the effects they bring are simply wearing me out. I'm tired of not being able to function.

Thanks,
S.not







Edited by Somethingnot (10/02/07 12:53 PM)

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#184098 - 10/02/07 01:06 PM Re: Here we go [Re: Somethingnot]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
S.not --

I am so sorry to hear what you went through. You are not alone.

I went through something similar and the effects are exhausting. I get really pissed when I feel like something that happened so long ago gets in the way of my life now. Really, really pissed in fact. Even more pissed when I hear about someone else going through the same damn thing. I've been there: social fear, isolation, interference with my education, twitching, hyperventilating, panic attacks, driving girlfriend(s) crazy (ha), re-enacting stuff, being in denial, being kind towards my perp, thinking others had it worse, and most importantly being unhappy about all this and hating it.

It is f*ing awesome that you are dealing with this at your age and not losing anymore time to it. What a huge step.

Right On!

TW


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#184104 - 10/02/07 01:21 PM Re: Here we go [Re: testingWaters]
trusty Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Indiana, USA
Dear Somethingnot,

First, let me say "WELCOME" to the MS site. You have taken a huge step in the right direction by coming here and so bravely posting this message to us...people that DO understand. Like so many others you'll find here, I've been there (still am in many respects) and we can empathize with what you deal with every day.

My question for you is: are you getting professional help? Is there a psychological counseling service on your campus that you can make use of while you are still there? If so, I would say that therapy can be of great benefit. Unlike you, I waited several decades to deal with my abuse. I'm twice your age, and I have really seriously been dealing with my therapy only since March of this year. So...I applaud you for getting started now. It is not going to be easy...and there well be very low times when none of the questions seem to get answered...but you MUST do the work. Good for you.

Regarding your sexual fetishes of reenacting the abuse...this is very common. I have fantasized about my abuse in a sexual way...felt extreme guilt/shame afterwards...but it is common I believe.

Good luck to you, brother. Keep posting...keep working.

All the best,
Russ
p.s.--congrats on your upcoming degree status....YEAH!

_________________________
"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#187039 - 10/14/07 12:24 PM Re: Here we go [Re: Somethingnot]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
S.Not,

Well, first things first, congratulations on finishing college this semester - that's a big achievement. Also welcome to the MS site. You will find a lot of supportive and understanding people here.

I just wnt to comment briefly here on something you ask about:

Originally Posted By: Somethingnot
I also have some bizarre sexual fetishes that I know are just reenactments of the abuse. I wonder is that common? It makes me very unhappy to think that I would want to relive what was done to me, or that my sexual desires might betray me that way. I hate it, actually.


That is more common than you might think, and what's happening is that you are re-enacting the abuse, as you yourself say. But this time you are in control: you decide when, what, with whom, and so on. This need for a sense of control goes back to our childhood, when we felt and knew we were utterly helpless and defenseless. Regaining that control now is a way of responding to and redressing that helpless feeling from years ago.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#187082 - 10/14/07 03:26 PM Re: Here we go [Re: Somethingnot]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Originally Posted By: Somethingnot
I was sexually and physically abused for about 4 years from 9 to 13....I have an intense fear of social situations that's actually caused me alot of problems in my life. It sometimes gets so extreme that I can't get myself to leave my apartment because I'm afraid of going outside. This caused me issues at college alot because, believe it or not, to pass many classes you must first actually attend them. Amazing, right? ...The abuse is very difficult for me to understand and rationalize, and until fairly recently I was in denial about it. I would either tell myself it wasn't that bad, or that his heart was in the right place but his actions were inappropriate, or that others had it worse than me. The fact is, these memories and the effects they bring are simply wearing me out. I'm tired of not being able to function.


I too have social anxiety due to the abuse and didn't attend my whole first semester of college. And was only able to go to classes at night when there are less people on the campus. Due to the other effects of lack of concentration and self-esteem/depession issues, I dropped out after about 2 1/2 years with 1 years worth of credits. I congratulate you for staying and making it thru your fears. I'm 29 now and I wish I would have stayed and completed college. I have trouble going out, I need to look outside and make sure there is no one there especially kids so that I can go out to my car which is parked on the street.

I've been at this for close to 4 years (January 2004), and only now is it finally sinking in that it really was abuse. I guess its hard to accept that my brother would do something like this to me. I found my 8th grade yearbook and all the pictures look like I'm just doing enough to keep on living, most of the time I don't have any expression on my face.

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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