Buzz,
i was raised in a total church family - my father was the pastor. We were in church four times a week! I never questioned my faith while in denial about the CSA - in fact, it was very much part of the facade of denial. Stict adherence to the "christian" lifestyle and culture. Neat and tidy.
As I have grown older and left that culture, I now grapple every day with my faith. There are some days I have no faith at all. But the good news is that god is faithful even when we aren't. I'm glad my relationship with god is not based on my feelings or emotions...I'd be sunk. It's a good thing that god doesn't mind when we are mad at him, cause I've been all over the map on this one. loved him, hated him, ignored him, etc. I completely agree with Eddie when he says that god grieved over our abuse. In fact, it hurt him more than it did us. He shared the entire weight of it with us. Imagine seeing your child being hurt the way we were. It would send me over the edge.

I think that I have changed my thinking about god being in control. I even used to sing a song by that name! He could be in control, but he has shown his plan to the world and we choose, as humanity how to respond. We here were the victims of that response.
sorry, I ramble...I think we all struggle with this. You are so not alone. not only are we walking this path with you, thank God that his is too..even when we ignore him, are angry at him, and want him to go away.
love
Paul

This thread speaks to me in an important and immediate way that I can't express so clearly right now. But thanks to all of you for dealing with such a topic with such confidence and faith. It shows.

Much love,
Larry

eddie, army, and paul,

you guys really brought this home...it made me cry and cry to read what you wrote...cause now i've got nowhere to go with this...my dad is dead...all i've got is God...and i feel it slipping away, my faith...

i wish He would just take me now and end this all..boy that sounds familiar...

what a mess.

buzz

"and i feel it slipping away, my faith"

Do you think maybe it's just kinda fluxing in and out some? Every time I touch the emotions of young me, my faith takes a dip. It's not because I want that at all, but because little me knew nothing of faith. So it's hard to keep things separate and afloat some days. Things usually get back to where I want them.

Andy

Hi Buzz,

I'll start off with good, safe hug if that's o.k. {{Buzz}} It can feel like a mess at times, Buzz, I know. I can feel my faith being rattled at times when I am at my lowest feeings of despair. Above you said "all i've got is God". Try to stay focused on the fact that you do have Him, Buzz, and that He loves you beyond our imagination. Hang on man, I know it's hard.

((Hey Buzz))

I was where you are a few months ago. I wanted to let God take me. I was tired and confused and hurt. I continued to pray and cry out to Him. He heard and sent people and healing my way. This site has been a big part of that.

What broke through for me was reading about Joseph, Jesus's earthly father. I realized that Joseph had to choose to love Jesus even though he wasn't his son. He chose to be an honorable father to him. Jesus experienced a healthy relationship with his earthly father. The creator of the world subjecting himself to parenting.

So Jesus had a "normal" father. ... so therefor if I have Christ in me/ in my heart I experience having a "normal" father through Him. For me this brought a healing and a touch that met my searching need for the honorable dad I never had. Jesus met me where I was, angry hurt and in need. And He never disapoints.

((Buzz)) Jesus loves you today, yesterday and tommorow. Go to Him and let him bring his earthly, fathers love to you. You will find it incredible.

Praying for ya bro!

Your friend,

Army

Buzz, The God of the Bible is a loving and trusting God Look at what he gave up a Son. Can we do less for him. In the bible we are taught that our reward will come after Jesus comes back to redem his people.
So many time I here the same question in here were was God? Why did he allow this to happen to me? That is one of those questions that you will have to ask him when you go to heaven. I do know the Bible (Gods Word) never lies and he tell us that the people that hurt us will Pay and we will be rewarded for holding on and trusting him. He has proved that to me so many times over. We must have the Saving Grace of Jesus Christ to make it to heaven. Buzz Im not an educated man, I have heard people say that only the Weak Minded belive all of this Bible Stuff well I guess Im Weak Minded I do believe every word that God has said. I dont all ways do what I know he wants me to do but I try to. I know he will not forsake me or leave me evern in a lions mouth or in the mist of a Fire. He loves me all the way and I him.
I hope this helps a little, God Loves you and so do I
Gary

andy...i am hoping it is a "fluxing" behavior...
eddie...thank you for your encouragement...
army...i never thought of the things you mentioned regarding joseph and Jesus...that is cool...
gary...thank you, too, for the encouragement...

i am a fairly new Christian (since 2001), but i do know that He loves me, just as i am...and that never wavers from Him...i am tryng so very hard to maintain my trust in Him.

i know this...i thank God for each of you...for His work in you.

buzz

Buzz,
Remember, don't rely on your feelings to guide your faith. Because yes, you will feel sometimes that god is so far away. That is exactly the fluxing (what a great word) that Andy mentioned. Faith is different than feelings. Faith is a choice. Feelings aren't. It's OK and perfectly normal to feel that you are walking through a desolate place when it comes to your faith. That's the time when all you have is faith..the trust that God is with you every step of the way. Even non survivors experience this very thing - it's life! For us, in the tumult of all the other feelings of isolation, betrayal and confusion, it is really easy - and normal - to feel as if we have lost our way. If you are trying to follow god, you will never lose your way. A few detours now and then, possibly, but he'll never leave you or forsake you.
love
Paul

Hey Buzz,

Your mail box is full, Let me know when I can send you something.

Army