More about me.

What I DON'T have problems with:

1. My health. I weigh 155lbs, at 6ft 0in I have 120/80 blood pressure, last time I checked. I've never had a cavity, I brush and floss daily. Have not seen a doctor in 20 years(with the exception of a laceration), except last year for a pre>

Hauser,

It's great that you can look at some positives in your life... and I think you're incorrect to say that 'the negative stuff negates all of it'.

Those words are fueled by the lies that are obviously still hidden in your thinking patterns. The truth of it is, you're a good man. You have many positive things to think of which are really great. The negatives don't negate anything.

Last thing I'll say is there are ways to turn negatives into positives. Take for example, the abused mind. The abused mind is capable of making much deeper connections with people on a level that some people will never understand. The abused mind is also able to lend itself to empathy, care and genuine concern for the well being of others.

I don't have many friends... But I can tell you the friendships that I do have run so deep and are so incredible. Especially those friendships that were forged at Alta a month ago and other friendships I've made here at the site. I somehow doubt I'd be much the same person had I not been abused. I likely wouldn't have an understanding of the things that I do. I'm not saying that the abuse was a good thing... I'm saying that I have managed to pull some good things even out of the darkest, worst part of my life.

Anyways Hauser, back to my original point... Stop devaluing yourself because of your "negatives". Spend some of your positive energy trying to take some good from the bad.

Cheers,
~Brian

Hauser,

I think what you have post here, it is very important. The negative I think do not negate it all. You have lot of positives, and you seen them, and post them. They exist. They are not 'negated' because still, they do exist. I am glad you can see them, and I wish you do not think that they are not of worth because of the negative. For me, I would be very happy to have number 1, 2 and 3 on your list. But I have my own positives, and they exist, and the negatives do not erase them. So I can be more happy then not.

Andrei

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little jealous (Let's see... well, we've got #6 in common, and...I have all the other ones), but more importantly, I hope you're not doing the turn-around trick of comparing and saying "I'm a misfit yet again". It's been so easy for me over the years to take a positive for myself and twist it into something negative. My story doesn't contain some of the atrocities I've read about here, but so what? We're all here for a reason; individually, we seem to very assuredly all hang separately, to paraphrase Franklin. Your list only proves that there is no stereotypical CSA survivor- one of the issues I've had with psychiatry in general is seemingly endless checklist/disorder/medication fixation. I'm not a f--'n Honda Civic, dammit, I don't need a 500-point inspection. "Right, Doc, let's make this as clinical, sterile and impersonal as possible, so I can feel like a marginally interesting meat-slab again."
Enough babbling madness from me, hope something made sense

Alan,

Looking at your list I can see you're blessed in so many ways, and I don't think these are negated by your problems. In fact, perhaps you can take these positives and use them as a way of facing some of your other problems.

Much love,
Larry

Alan,

To start out, you missed a few. Let me help you.

10. You have a strong desire to improve yourself along with the ambition to go with it. You may seem stagnant to yourself, but you've come a long ways in the short time I've known you.

11. You tell it how it is. You don't hide behind politics. You know how to be eloquent when it's called for, but you tend to come right out and say what you mean.

12. You're a great friend.

It's going to take some work to get all of these good things to overcome the negativity. I look at someone like my aunt, who I truly believe is the greatest person I have ever known in my life, and I see someone with a lot of the same issues. She has accomplished so much, not the least of which involves raising two extremely healthy and confident daughters. She's been in this surviving business for longer than you, Alan, and she still struggles with her self image from time to time. You see, when we are children, we learn to look at ourselves how others look at us. And then, we grow up that way. And now, as adults, it is up to use to learn to overcome that bias. We are valuable, and we deserve to feel that way.

Alan, you asked me to detail what some of the negatives were in your life. The problem is, I just can't. I know what your immediate goals and obstacles are, and I know what your long term goals and obstacles are, but I don't view them as negatives. They are simply obstacles.

Although, I thought I'd point out one area where you are slightly mistaken. You have had panic attacks. When you wear yourself out to go follow up on a job application...when you give up halfway through filling out a resume...when you completely shut down because you're required to stand up for yourself here or there...those are panic attacks.

They are not negatives...they are obstacles.

Just sayin'

Bryan

Hi,

I agree with the others: the negatives cannot negate the positives you have in your life, which you have seen and taken time to write down. The one Bryan missed that I'd put down is that you have shown both the will and ability to resolve what could be resolved with your parents, which also indicates a great deal of courage and dedication to doing the right thing regardless of personal cost.
I personally don't think that our struggles or the negatives that we must deal with are an indication that we are 'defective' human beings. Though we don't always recognize the negatives as positives, they are, if they become the source of character that draws us closer to other human beings who are choosing to become more human all the time rather than rejecting their humanity and becoming less human even as they seem to succeed and thrive.
I tend to believe that those who love us most have learned to value our character, to minimize the faults that we know about and are working hard to improve, and to accept us as we are without worrying if we will ever become the person they might like us to be.
I also think that those of us who know how messed up we can be are becoming more and more content with our own humanity, since we can be friends with people who are as messed up as we are (but not always in the same ways).
There are times that I, too, get overwhelmed by all my 'negatives', and wonder how anyone could even care if I live or die, but the negatives do not define, or diminish, any one of us. If I believed I was only the sum of what I feel or think, I'm sure I would have killed myself long ago.
And since you're still here, too, I'll continue to hope that you'll learn to celebrate your positive things, as I continue to work to celebrate mine, even when I'm not sure if depression will ever end, or if life will ever be better than purgatory, or if I'm destined only for a lonely, worthless existence. But no, the negatives will never have the final word, as long as we are loved. And you are.

Ed