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#186779 - 10/12/07 06:23 PM Why???
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
i just got off the phone w/ BF and he told me he never wants to see me again, doesn't love me, and that He is not my project. That i moved out and left him when i said i never would and i need to stop contacting him in any way.
I am a broken mess....I love this wonderful man and i do not understand why he's doing this. He knows that I am committed to being with him and He knows that I never considered him my "project". I know he loves me.
Why????
Why???
Why????

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#186799 - 10/12/07 07:54 PM Re: Why??? [Re: mmac]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
((((mmac))))) I am so sorry for the pain you feel right now. You have my support mmac. I truly wish there was something more I could say to make this all better for you. I care and I hear you.
Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#186833 - 10/12/07 10:24 PM Re: Why??? [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
I'm so sorry M. Your pain comes off your words so intensely it makes me so sad.

Quote:
He knows that I am committed to being with him and He knows that I never considered him my "project".


I don't think he does know this and perhaps he's just not prepared to allow himself to do so. As for you being committed, well, you moved out. I'm not saying it was the wrong thing to do, actually it was probably exactly right for your own sake and you are the only one who can take responsibility for you. Staying in a toxic environment would only have created a bigger nightmare than what you are going through now.

As for him not being your project, well, that one is harder. I've had those words thrown at me as well and I know why. It's impossible for a couple not to talk about the things that are wrong in a relationship and either one can feel like he/she is becoming the other's project. It's a necessary conversation, but when dealing with csa as the problem, the man who is trying to deal - or not - will feel the pressure even more.

M, he said some pretty harsh, definitive things to you tonight. For now, I'd say leave him alone. Does he feel abandoned by you? I don't know, maybe he does but that's pretty unfair. He had to know that you couldn't stay in the same home the way things were going. You assured him that you were leaving to give him and you the space and time apart that HE asked for. For him to turn that on you is unfair.

There is no answer to "why" that would make you feel better because it just is. From the little I know, you've done what you can do to ensure a decent life for yourself and to provide support for him. If he doesn't want your support right now, you can't give it to him and you can't force him to accept it.

I know this is so hard. I've been in that terrible unknown place of wanting so badly to make it work and have it fall apart. Time is the only thing on your side right now. He may come around, he may not, but time is in your favor regardless.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#186843 - 10/12/07 10:54 PM Re: Why??? [Re: Trish4850]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Thank you all so much, your support means so very much to me.
My love for him fuels my hope that someday he will get to a place where he will KNOW and BELIEVE that the love i have for him is true., he's that excellent of a person. My sorrow is in having to accept that once again, his abuser wins...and now it cost me my bestest friend and for me that is the real tragedy.
If i was really honest, i never had all of him, he never let that happen, how can you give of yourself when you are consumed with something else? But i had the most he's ever given anyone else. and my ability to see the wonderful man he is, does not mean he ever believed it to be so.
I loved him & believed in him enough for the both of us and that enabled him to not have to love himself or believe in himself.
My leaving was because i literally did not know what else to do, but i knew i loved him and always would. i was carrying all the emotional weight and he was carrying only his cause for him, his was overwhelming. But i was still there waiting; full of love, full of hope.
He never thought it possible but someone does love him with all of their heart and hopefully, someday, if he ever gets here to read it..he will know that it is me.
Thank you again for your prayers and your compassion,
I wish for all of you, freedom from whatever bonds keep you from living and being alive.
m

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#186853 - 10/13/07 12:11 AM Re: Why??? [Re: mmac]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Mmac, I just wanted to echo the others' empathy for your pain. I am so sorry that he is blinded to your devotion and love.

"I wish for all of you, freedom from whatever bonds keep you from living and being alive." -- I also wish this for you, mmac. That is a profound wish.

I always feel that whatever happens, if my H never, ever knows the true love I have/had for him, I did no wrong and one day when I go to heaven maybe there will be a "star in my crown" for genuinely loving someone enough to go through hell on earth for them. Surely the love we send to others will come back to us somehow. I think the love we give to others eventually ends up being between us and God moreso than us and the person we had the love for, especially if that person never saw it, felt it or believed it. To them it can be just a phantom, but God knows it is real.

Again, I am so sorry you are having such a rough time. Try to not dwell on the past w/ him too much and try to imagine next week, next month, next year, etc., for your life will continue and you don't want to miss it.

'The past is history, the future is mystery, but today is a gift from God; maybe that is why they call it "the present."'

NOW GO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#186887 - 10/13/07 08:48 AM Re: Why??? [Re: Brokenhearted]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Mmac,

I am so sorry for all of this. I know first hand what your talking about that you never had all of him. It probably hurts more knowing that you gave him everything and knowing in your heart that it was enough for him but it is easier for him to give up then to do the work on himself to hopefully one day have a healthy relationship.

I also told my husband that I would never leave him and of course ended up doing just that. But I left him because of his actions that were unacceptable. It sounds to me that you left your bf because of his inaction. Living in a one sided relationship sucks and there comes a point that it is not noble to sacrifice yourself and your happiness for another person. I know my husband didn't appreciate the fact that I gave up so much of myself because of him and his issues, they just became worse.

I know your hurting and I wish I could take that away from you. You need to go forward in your life just for you. You have to unravel yourself from him and his issues and live only for you right now. If you and him were meant to be together then it will happen, but until then you cannot sit in limbo and put your life on hold hoping that he will take the wonderful gift of you that you want to give to him.

Everything happens for a reason and maybe this will be what makes or breaks him.

I really am so sorry for your pain my friend.

XOXOXOXOXO
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#186914 - 10/13/07 12:43 PM Re: Why??? [Re: mmac]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: mmac
i just got off the phone w/ BF and he told me he never wants to see me again, doesn't love me, and that He is not my project. That i moved out and left him when i said i never would and i need to stop contacting him in any way.
I am a broken mess....I love this wonderful man and i do not understand why he's doing this. He knows that I am committed to being with him and He knows that I never considered him my "project". I know he loves me.
Why????
Why???
Why????



((((((((((mmac)))))))))

dry your tears, stand up and look at yourself. you've taken steps to take care of yourself, to try and love him in a healthy manner, and he responded in a dysfunctional mode because it's all he knows how to do -

if i've learned anything at all from this site, it's not to listen to the survivor's words that sometimes sound like a little boy's temper tantrum - and this sounds like that - "you've abandoned me when i needed you and i hate you for it and that's that."

don't give in to this tantrum; I KNOW HOW IT HURTS I'VE BEEN THERE - give yourself some time to pull it together and then challenge him on his assertion that he's been your "project" or whatever else that might have been said incorrectly. don't let him get away with saying these kinds of things.

the day you can realize it's the hurt abused boy speaking and realize you are NOT the target, that's the day you go forward in your relationship.

i hope this helps, i hope you feel better very soon.

all the best,
indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#187515 - 10/16/07 10:19 PM Re: Why??? [Re: indygal]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
indy and mmac, if I might add, I love this:

"the day you can realize it's the hurt abused boy speaking and realize you are NOT the target, that's the day you go forward in your relationship." I think this is a brilliant thing to remember, to inscribe somewhere where we will always have it handy.

Mmac, and all of us who love survivors, may we be able to give that kind of love to ourselves that we have heaped upon them.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#187564 - 10/17/07 01:18 AM Re: Why??? [Re: Brokenhearted]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: Brokenhearted
Mmac, and all of us who love survivors, may we be able to give that kind of love to ourselves that we have heaped upon them.



BRAVO, BH, BRAVO!!!

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#187663 - 10/17/07 05:14 PM Re: Why??? [Re: indygal]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Hi All,
Once again, Thanks to you my dear friends for your support.
I have given him to God and it is in Gods hands now. I take my love and support for him, my memories and challanges and I go forward to greet another day. I pray for him, and all who are impacted by this, that someday we all my be free.
PS God...happy wouldn't be bad either....
I love you all and will be here, just PM...
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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