I found your site while doing a search on male assault this morning. I can't stop crying right now & I really need help.

My boyfriend is 39 & lives in California. I currently reside on the East coast, but we plan on living together this December. Tuesday night he called me before his phone died & yesterday all day he hadn't called me. He called me at midnight last night telling me that he was in the hospital all day.

He then told me that he went to go meet a friend at a bar Tuesday night & was being bothered by 3 gay men. They then slipped a drug in his drink & he woke up in an alleyway in the early morning hours. After a bit, he tried to go to the bathroom & felt something was wrong - so he went to the hospital. The Doctor's removed a highball glass from his body.

I started to freak out, cursing & asking him a million questions because I didn't understand & couldn't piece it together. I am also on vacation right now w/a girlfriend & had a few glasses of wine before speaking to him. I thought he was kidding at first (listened, didn't say this out loud) & then I started to get angry asking him if he was on drugs. He got upset & said he didn't need this from me & he was only going to confide in me what happened & his parents. Then, he kept brushing it off saying it was now the past. & then I just went numb, I didn't know what to say. I became quiet which I don't think helped him either.

I feel so unbelievably terrible right now & I feel like I can't even talk to anyone because this situation is so private. I told my mom just now because I was in hysterics & I love my mom. I trust her not to tell anyone & right now I have stopped crying. D said he'd call me first thing this morning to talk to me. I don't know what to say. I read some stuff that said to make sure to say it's not his fault & that I support him. But what about our future?

I'm just so afraid & I don't know how to handle this . . .
Thanks for listening.

D's Girlfriend

Glad you found us....welcome to the site.

I am so sorry for whats going on in your life and your BF's but unfortunately I dont have any words of wisdom...I have been through what you BF has been through. Dont get mad at him...its not his fault and he is being really open about it..which is amazing...he must love you alot.

Brian

D's Girlfriend -

Welcome to this site and I am so sorry you have to be here and so very sorry for your boyfriend. He was violated in the most damaging way possible - he was raped. Call it what you want, but he was raped and that is a crime of violence. He does need support and (although I am not an expert) will need professional help, and from reading what you have written it might do you a great deal of good. The local Rape Crisis Center may be of help. This is not just something you put behind you - I can say that with first hand knowledge.

And this is a great place to talk about how you feel.

Thanks for responding Brian & Kelly. I really appreciate it.

Yesterday, I was a total mess. I spent the day alone which was good, but I alternated between crying & sleep. When he called me for the 1st time, I apologized for taking my anger & confusion & putting it on him. He was totally ok with that part, he does love me very much. But then I asked him if he talked to anyone at the hospital & he said no, he didn't need help - he just wanted to put it behind him. That he was still standing (they didn't beat him, but his limbs hurt) & that I was the only one not letting this go.

I started to cry becuase this is so serious & I told him that. It was not his fault, he was sexually violated & I was feeling really sad that I couldn't be there with him, sad about what happened, sad that he was embarrassed & hurt. He was so hurt by my crying & racking sobs. He understood as soon as I put the shoe on his foot & asked him how he would feel if this had happened to me. He understands my upsetness, but it was so much for him because I couldn't stop crying I was almost wailing.

We spoke again & again I started to cry & be so upset. He said he wished he had more money where he could just fly to where I was so that he could console me as he felt he needed to console me more than I did him. He then said he shouldn't have told me because I was so upset & I quickly told him that I wanted him to tell me everything & that I would never hide anything from him. He understood my meaning & I don't really think he meant to say that - he was just upset that I was so upset. He never cried, but he was upset by my crying. Again, he said he wanted to move past this & it made him even more happy to know that we are going to be together soon.

The helpline I called yesterday told me maybe I could confide in a friend that I trust & it would help me be able to talk to him & not cry. I did speak to my friend about this who actually is an MRI/XRay tech & has seen these types of abnormalities & has learned about them firsthand, so I felt better talking to her about it. She would never say anything to anyone (we went to kindergarten together & have been friends forever).

I spoke to him several times yesterday, just trying to make sure he was ok -- saying things like "You would tell me if you weren't ok right?" & "you would talk to me about this is you needed to right?" & he agreed each time. He just doesn't want to talk to a psychologist about it. He filed the police report & took a blood test & answered their questions.

Later in the evening, I would ask small questions here & there because I want to know. He would get a bit ticked like, I knew this would just be brought up again & again - but he would answer me. I mean, I need to ask questions like "did you get a blood test" - only because he forgot to tell me.

Before bed he sent a text message picture to me which was a design of the alphabet letters in the soup he was eating. It said "I love you (& my name)" He is such a strong man, I love him so - but I want to make sure this doesn't affect him in other ways -- like getting angry at other things, pulling himself away from people & not going out anymore, not talking about it.

The fact of the matter is, I have to try & respect what he wants. & he doesn't want to speak to anyone professionally about it. I'm not sure how else to suggest or remind without making him angry.

Thanks for your help, I can tell this site is exactly what I need right now.

- D's Girlfriend

Ds-Girlfriend -

It is responsible to recognize that you both feel how you feel, talk about that, and understand that is subject to change.

Just because he is "ok" with it now does not mean he will always feel that way. And it does not mean that he won't always feel ok with it either. And your emotions too may get easier to deal with. If you need help - get help. If he needs help - support him in his healing. I would not tell him he needs help or how to feel, just listen to how he feels.

All I am saying is everything is so fresh and raw don't think you have to do anything but live in the moment. I think you really love each other so just hang on to that for now.