Hello,
I am new to all this but I would just like to share my story so that I can get some kind of understanding in my life. I never ever before knew I could get help or thought that I would tell anyone my story. I thought that I could take it but I cant any longer and it is imperative for me to tell someone so that I can move on and stop thinking that I am tough enough to get through it on my own just like a lot of others have said. I was abused starting at the age of 3 and ending at the age of ten. It started in the church. We had many friends at the church and sometimes my mom and dad would allow us to go to other homes to stay over. Another boy in the church would fondle me against my will and would take advantage of me. I would go home and cry because I just didn't understand why it was happening or really what I did wrong to deserve it. He was much bigger than me and would force me to do things I didn't want to do and threaten me if I didnt. Then after a while when he got caught hurting someone else it stopped but it has scarred me. Just to think that I had so little control over what was going on and how to deal with it and still having to go to church and see that same face every Sunday was hard (I now do no attend). I really lost most respect for him and male peers of mine. I felt betrayed and also since I wasn't the only one I felt used. I still have trouble making friends that last because I feel they are out to get me whether predatorally or sexually I dont know, but just out to get me. I think everyone is out to get me.
I was also repeatedly raped by a girl from the time I was 6 through 10. She was much stronger than me and older to. She was very unattractive and really at the age of 6 I had already been raped and was to young to want a girlfriend when it started. I would think well I should like it shouldnt I? But I had already been through forcing before and was already afraid of being touched by other people, anybody, and she would tell me all these things I would have to do and if I didn't she would tell my mom that I gave her a bad touch. Back then that was a big thing. So she would rape me and I again just felt like dying. She would say if I didnt give it to her I was a fagget. I finally at ten had a girlfriend but it still continued until my mom and dad moved away. I was raped at sometimes by 2 people in the same time periods. It had been going on so long betw those 2 people that I just got used to it that was life for me but I guess because of it all being that is has only been 10 years since, I still feel bad about it. I still, this is really hard to say, but Im afraid of being touched . I dont have many male peers because of my abuse because I think they are out to get me as I said before but I also really have a scued interpretation on the role of a girl in my life. I just think they are out to get and I ask myself what does she want me for. Why does she want to do this to me? And as for as the past I think, why didnt I fight back when that stupid boy and that ugly girl would do that to me. Why didn't I tell someone now I feel broken and torn. I have not had one good relationship for I guess reason related to my abuse. I dont know what people want from me and the images flash in my head of what in the past has been done to me. I think well how do I raise children being afraid they and my future wife would have to live with me after what has been done to me. I feel bad about all that happened and I know that it will take a lifetime of growing to get over but there is also a flipside. You know every victim on this website has scene the evils of life that is on other side of the surface. We have seen the worst of it as children so as adults I think that we dont see the world as a perfect place or a place where even church is safe. So we are more intuitive of our surroundings and it really gives us something to work for. For me now at this point, trust means something deeper than I guess to some others because I know how it feels for trust to be violated and stumped on and so when I guess I say I trust or love someone it means something deeper because now trust must be validated extensively, and I must be totally sure of peoples intensions. thank you