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#186561 - 10/11/07 04:17 PM Strange memory
Woundedheart Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/11/07
Posts: 31
Loc: K.C. MO.
Has anyone experienced something like this?

I have a vivid memory of watching myself being carried by my abuser/s. We moved to the country when I was 6, and I was taken down to a creek (for swimming) several hundred yards down the hill from my house by at least two older boys, maybe three, who lived just up the road. They raped me in that creek (the first time) and have this memory of me standing by the creek, watching myself being carried, (in the field on the otherside of the road) back to my house by the attackers. I'm on one side of the road watching them carry me on the otherside.


Richard.



Edited by Woundedheart (10/11/07 04:17 PM)

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#186621 - 10/11/07 09:29 PM Re: Strange memory [Re: Woundedheart]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
Sounds to me like you were able to disassociate( detach ) and therefore protect yourself in order to survive the trauma.

I could be wrong but it sure sounds that way to me,from personal experience(s) this is not uncommon for those of us who have been abused.


So y/n i have had similiar situations as a result of the pain i was in and had to do something,whatever that may be.


Rich "coopstah"

what a coincedence we have the same name.... \:\)



Edited by thecoopstah (10/11/07 09:30 PM)
_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#186643 - 10/11/07 11:41 PM Re: Strange memory [Re: thecoopstah]
Woundedheart Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/11/07
Posts: 31
Loc: K.C. MO.
I have always called "it" a detached memory. I believe the real me was/is the little boy (or the spirit of that boy) standing at the edge of the creek and the brutalized boy was being carried, the one I lived in shame with for 45 years.

I remember getting grounded when I arrived home, for having lost my underwear.

Thanks for the repy.

I bet we have a lot more in common.

I was 40 years old when I told the first person.


Richard.


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#186685 - 10/12/07 09:36 AM Re: Strange memory [Re: Woundedheart]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Rich,
Welcome and damn, it's hard isn't? As I think of it, yes, the real you was the one that detached itself from what was happening in order to keep the real you safer. I still dissociate - I thought I just was absent minded and forgetful. I was 46 when I finally admitted that what happened to me was still affecting me. As one therapist told me - "Ah, the forties...all shit hits the fan in the forties." And here we are. You aren't alone.
Paul


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#186714 - 10/12/07 01:13 PM Re: Strange memory [Re: Paul1959]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Richard,

Welcome and so sorry you had endure that abuse. I have had the same type of experience, of watching my abuse from a safe location, many many times. It is very common, I believe, and a testiment to your young self coping with a terrible situation.

I started my Journey WAY before you! I was 39! \:\) But I didn't actively start working on my recovery until this year - I'm 44. The shit does hit the fan, but I don't think I had the resources until now to deal with these emotions. I have found this place an amazing asset - the men here are very supportive.... and they understand.

Welcome
Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#186721 - 10/12/07 01:40 PM Re: Strange memory [Re: Paul1959]
Woundedheart Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/11/07
Posts: 31
Loc: K.C. MO.
Paul,
It's still hard, but it's much easier than before. Before I was released from the shame and self-contempt and anger that held me in bondage. Today still suffering the consquences of being abuse (physical, emotional, and relational), but I am no longer ashamed of what happened to me. I no longer act out in self contempt. I hold no anger toward anyone because of all that happened. In small group, in an atmosphere of grace, I told my story again, this time atleast two things happened differently, I listened to myself, I mean really listened, and the people in the group entered into my pain, they didn't try to fix me, they just embraced my soul. For the first time, I was not alone, not on the inside. I came out of my shell that night. The shell was destroyed. And, now I have the diffucult task of learning how to live, to related, to love, and to be loved and especially to feel pain. It is worth it, thou I still don't like the pain part.

Richard.


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#186724 - 10/12/07 01:51 PM Re: Strange memory [Re: Woundedheart]
Woundedheart Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/11/07
Posts: 31
Loc: K.C. MO.
Dan,

I mostly would just blank out. I have memories before each attack and after, but not alot during. I have counted that a blessing many times, because I have good reason to believe they were volient attacks.

I'll be 50 soon.

Richard.


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