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#186157 - 10/10/07 10:13 AM crying inside
nicky Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 261
you calmly say that you are mortified
that poeple accused you of doing things to me
you stop denying it and give in a little
you say your remember something similar to what they are saying
but your only joking around

believe me i wish i could do that
i wish i could just drop all of this shit
and move on with my life
but i cant forget the pain and hurt and guilt you have caused
because it is much much much worse then what they are hinting at wasnt it

i know you remeber
i know you remeber evrything
you and your secret soceity
and your right no one will probly ever find out
because you kept this all so hidden
so undergound and hushed

what hapened to all of your books and tools
how is it they have not been found
i wish for it evryday
but then i think im glad they havent been
because it somthing im trying so desprately to forget
does it bother you at all
that my mind is in peices

i am so mad so angry so livid
somtimes i just want to crash through a window
and die a slow and painful death
i want to confront these emotions and kill them
they dont deserve to take over me

Nobody deserves to take over me!

i understand that but i dont believe that
do you see what you have done
that is not right
why cant i defend the truth
i put up with all of the lies in my mind
and listen to myself silently scream because thats all i can do

im crying inside
for anyone or anything
a way out and the way to real happiness
to escape this torture that has gripped my fragile mind for so many years
i cant hear the answers and inanimate objects don't have a voice

poeple keep telling me that i am not alone
i want to believe them
but i dont want to know that anyone else has had such evil burned into them
that there is so much evil out there
it frightens me

everyone says there are so many people
who have survived this pain
but nobody ever mentions the people who havent
even though there are many out there

the future cant be predicted
so where i am going to end up cant be seen
i wish i could belive that everything
happens for a reason and that i will survive
but shit happens that makes me feel uncertain
and i get knocked back to a place where its just not worth it

i want to be able to deal with this
i want to be as strong as poeple think i am
i want to stop the mental abuse
that is continuing to leave scars because the ones you left on my body were not enogh were they

i want to scream to the world can you see what ive been throgh
but at the same time i take some comfort at appearing ok thogh my mind never stops shouting and breaking a litle more

in my long journey from point A to point B
i have finaly come across a glass barrier
that is realy hard to break throgh
i dont know if I can make it
without hurting myself severly

i am getting to the point where i want to give up
i never wanted anyone to know
but at the same time i want poeple to realize
how serous this realy is and how much i realy hurt

my hurts are a thing of the past
i have to convince myself of that
i have to believe the lies that are ruining my life
that is what most people think
except i know the truth and that is getting so hard to conceal

i need to cry
i need to scream
i need to breakdown
i need to stay strong
i need to hold myself together
i need to help others before i help myself
i need to learn to deal with this

the problem with learning
is you learn form your mistakes
That would be fine except you also learn from
everyone elses mistakes

I SHOULDNT HAVE TO LEARN FORM YOUR MISTAKES
I DONT WANT TO PAY THE CONSEQUENCES
you knew exactly what you were doing and who to choose didnt you
somone like me
mentaly fragile already
parents who didnt care
looking to please
small and quite

you can joke about it or pretend you have no idea
your anonymos freinds are probly laughing their asses off
knowing they will never be caught
wondering how much they have helped to shatter my mind

You make me sick!
someday you will be aware of my feelings
you are the one person i hate above all others
i cant hate the ones i cant see or i would hate the entire world
its to hard for me to do that or belive me i would
im just not strong enogh

im so upset i want to colapse and fade away underground
if only i had to courage to free myself from this madness

_________________________
i like the rain cause no one knows im crying

a strong man is one who is able to control himself when he is angry
what is your definiton of control?

i lay awake another hour
just like the one before
the shadows play a game with my head
i can't take this anymore

http://youtube.com/watch?v=x4EOw8wPBN8




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#186475 - 10/11/07 09:01 AM Re: crying inside [Re: nicky]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Nicky,

You put it so well:

Originally Posted By: nicky
I SHOULDNT HAVE TO LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES


I'm just glad you found the site and I hope it is helping you on your healing journey.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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