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#186456 - 10/11/07 07:41 AM Flashback (possible triggers)
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Yesterday was a powerful day. A huge therapy session, the dreams I've been having, and another addition to the survivor stories section all had me in a pretty emotional state.

Someone asked me about my dreams. He asked if I was a child in my dreams or an adult. I started to think about the dreams, and the first part that came to mind was a shower scene in which I had to reach up to either grab some soap or one of the knobs. Obviously, that would signify that I was a child, probably a small child.

But that triggered a flashback. Just remembering reaching up for the knobs/soap triggered a memory. For perhaps ten seconds, I was living this memory. It was as clear as if it was happening right then and there.

I have been contemplating often the possibility that there may have been more than one perp in my childhood. For ten seconds last night, I became certain. What's scary to me right now is who that other perp might be. I can't even fucking say it.

And then the flashback ended, and the memory faded. As hard as I try, I can't bring this memory back. It's almost like it never happened.

There is almost always a shower in my dreams. I was in a public shower in my flashback last night. I thought I knew where this public shower was, but now I'm not so sure.

I thought I was crusing for so long, but this fills me with a tremendous amount of fear. I've been crusing for so long. A lot of crap has happened at home and on this site that I've been able to put in its place and move on. I've been dealing with stuff as it comes. Now, I'm back at the point where I don't know how much longer I can do this. I'm just so confused again.

I'm not in a very good place this morning. The memories keep coming back, and right now, I really just want a break from them.

Bryan



Edited by BJK (10/11/07 07:41 AM)
_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#186461 - 10/11/07 07:57 AM Re: Flashback (possible triggers) [Re: BJK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Bryan,

That's a rough spot to be in, my friend, and I'm glad you had the strength to reach out and talk about it. I still get flashbacks occasionally, but not like previously, and man, that change has been one of the most important to me in my recovery.

What worked for me, Bryan, was to tell myself that these old memories are freaking out Little Larry rather than the big guy Larry the Roadrunner. Whatever these memories lead to, they can't hurt me now. Little Larry is save and I'm looking out for him and protecting him. No one can mess with him anymore.

That is, what I tried to offer the little guy within me was protection and reassurance, not rational thinking. After all, what does a hurt child want most of all - safety.

As the adult it's also worth realizing that these memories are returning because you are making progress - your brain is trying to let you see things you need to know, bit by bit, because you have the strength to handle them. These will sometimes be traumatic memories, but they can't hurt you.

If you can, just keep talking about whatever memories come up; doing that is a very powerful way of rejecting their control over you and breaking their power to harm you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#186463 - 10/11/07 08:11 AM Re: Flashback (possible triggers) [Re: roadrunner]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Larry,

I think subconsciously, I want someone to tell me that this flashback never happened. Logically, I know that will never happen because all of the proof keeps adding up.

Why was I so afraid of taking a shower as a child? Why are there always showers in my dreams?

I don't think there is any stopping this. I just don't want the man who is in the shower with me to be my father.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#186465 - 10/11/07 08:19 AM Re: Flashback (possible triggers) [Re: BJK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Bryan,

I think it's dead to rights that showers were a big trigger for you because something happened in the shower, but you know that already. As for who it is, I understand how you feel. When I was having flashbacks one great dread of mine was that the episode would show me another abuser.

However it works out it may get rough, Bryan. Just be prepared for it and ready to reach out for the support you need. Okay? We're all here for you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#186850 - 10/12/07 11:14 PM Re: Flashback (possible triggers) [Re: roadrunner]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Thank you Larry.

After I posted this yesterday, I called my therapist. I just had a session on Wednesday, and I've never called her before outside of the scheduled sessions. Then again, I've never had an actual ten second flashback where I'm actually reliving something that I had no previous recollection of.

What my therapist did for me yesterday was pretty cool. She fit me into an AM appointment on the spur of the moment, and she did some hypno-therapy to help me remember the flashback without making me necessarily relive it. She asked me to go with the boy, little Bryan, to see if I could protect him.

I remember he was walking down a hallway in a locker room with his swimming trunks on and a towel around his shoulders. There was a sign that said, "All people entering the swimming pool MUST shower first". He hung up his towel and went into the shower area. There were some guys in there. Some were naked, some had swimming suits on. He reached up to turn on the water, and it came down in a stream rather than a spray.

I remember saying that I couldn't go on from that point, and I remember telling the therapist that he was too scared when she asked why.

I don't know what happened next.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top


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