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#186236 - 10/10/07 01:43 PM I watch
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
.



Edited by MarkK (04/16/08 01:59 PM)

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#186271 - 10/10/07 05:23 PM Re: I watch *DELETED* [Re: MarkK]
nicky Offline
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Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 261
Post deleted by nicky

_________________________
i like the rain cause no one knows im crying

a strong man is one who is able to control himself when he is angry
what is your definiton of control?

i lay awake another hour
just like the one before
the shadows play a game with my head
i can't take this anymore

http://youtube.com/watch?v=x4EOw8wPBN8




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#186467 - 10/11/07 08:29 AM Re: I watch [Re: nicky]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Thanx, Nick


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#189578 - 11/01/07 10:51 PM Re: I watch [Re: MarkK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

I don't wish to minimize how you feel - I think sometimes I give that impression when I respond to your poems, but it's not my intent. I hear all you are saying and I wish I could do more to reach out to you.

Alone sucks. I was in that dark place for years and breaking out was one of the most important achievements in the early stages of recovery for me.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#189639 - 11/02/07 09:42 AM Re: I watch [Re: roadrunner]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Larry,

I have never felt that you were minimizing how I feel. In fact, the opposite is generally true - your comments show someone who cares a great deal. Don't underestimate your impact on at least one life - mine. You have been a good inspiration and I thank God we've "met".

That said - yeah, being alone sucks. But it's not just feeling alone - it's feeling like I'm on the outside looking in. I don't know if you see the difference like I do ... To me, if I'm alone I can still reach out to someone. Being on the outside ... it doesn't matter if I reach out. No one can hear me, see me, or reach me.

That's why I get stuck just watching, and it tears my soul apart.

M


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#189658 - 11/02/07 11:13 AM Re: I watch [Re: MarkK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

I think I get what you mean about being on the outside, but perhaps it would help you to explore that a bit. That is, what is it that makes you think "it doesn't matter if I reach out"? Is it that you think others will never or can never understand? Or do you think the effort will fail because of something about you as Mark? Is this a trust issue for you?

You're so good at poetry - why not put another one here about what it means - in specific terms - to be "on the outside". That is, why does it feel so hopeless?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#189838 - 11/03/07 04:59 PM Re: I watch [Re: roadrunner]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
As you noticed, I'm sure - I did meet your challenge. Thank you for encouraging me to explore it further.

But .. "You're so good at poetry" .. I read that line and was angry. So now I get to work with my T and try to find out why a simple honest compliment has such a heavy negative impact on me.

M


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#190226 - 11/06/07 04:07 PM Re: I watch [Re: MarkK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

Originally Posted By: MarkK
But .. "You're so good at poetry" .. I read that line and was angry. So now I get to work with my T and try to find out why a simple honest compliment has such a heavy negative impact on me.


Perhaps I should leave this to you and your T, but I can say a lot of guys find they can react badly to a positive statement or compliment. This is often because in their childhood compliments and positive feedback were a part of the "set up" being run by the abuser. In adulthood, memories of that linger and can trigger the survivor in various ways, including anger at the way compliments had been used to betray him as a boy.

I used to be very anxious about compliments of any kind, and my T helped me to see that this was because the abuser from my childhood called me "lovely boy".

It's easy to be really hard on ourselves for all this, but what we have to remember is that we were just kids. The seemingly weak and feeble ways we found to cope just go to show how defenseless we were. We were doing the best we could with almost no resources.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#190322 - 11/07/07 08:43 AM Re: I watch [Re: roadrunner]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Larry,

I always appreciate your input - but understand, and please don't take this wrong, but I will always work with my T first on things. But if I get an idea or concept from you or one of the other people here at MS, I will definitely take it to my next session and see if my T and I can incorporate any of it into my recovery.

Originally Posted By: roadrunner
We were doing the best we could with almost no resources.

When you look at it that way, it's rather impressive that we survived. Rather resiliant little men, all in all ..........

Thanx.

M

PS - please don't EVER stop with the insights and thoughts. I need all the input I can find.


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#190894 - 11/11/07 02:45 AM Re: I watch [Re: MarkK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

This idea was one I have been stressing for some time anyway, but it was driven home by Mike Lew's workshop in New York. We had all been talking about different ways in which abuse has messed us up, and when we finished Mike asked us to consider all these points and marvel that we were even able to function at all. It was a powerful and very positive moment.

You are right to run things by your T, Mark. I did the same thing when I was in therapy. Something would come up and I would think to myself - aha: another point to raise with Gillian next week. \:\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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