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#186114 - 10/10/07 07:26 AM Happiness is overated
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Im in the pit again.

I signed on the other day with a doctor and me and the wife talked for ages last night. I felt a lot better when i got up, and it seemed to go a bit better today.
I then went to the doctors to see about an appointment. The receptionist knows a bit about my problems and i spoke to her about seeing the doctor. She said that i was to phone the surgey tommorow.
I then asked her about seeing the doctor and about referals for inpatient care. She said that the doctor could help me with this, and do i want to be refered to a counselor. I said i was already seeing one, but would ask the doctor about other services.
She said ok and then gave me details on making an appointment. Then she said '' the counsellor could help me with my LITTLE problems.''

LITTLE FUCKING PROBLEMS, she nearly saw one of my LITTLE problems come through the hatch at her!!!!!!!!!

I just said thanks and walked out the door, i stood in the rain watching the sea crying and rageing inside. Is this how people see me just me and my little problems ?.

Im lost inside of this body that is not mine. I came home and hid in the bedroom, what right have i got to ask for help. If all i have got is little problems. the wife came home and everything she said i snapped back at her, i cant talk to her without the anger riseing.
We talked about the money i owe on a credit card, i got very angry and ranted at her, she talked about my inpatient that i need to do, but the wife is totally against. She called it my little holiday and i would be leaving her to look after everything on her own.
Ive gone from feeling ok to being in the hole with no way out. Whatever i do it will upset her and i just cant seem to get her to understand how close to the edge i am, if i dont do something i dont know what will happen, i cant carry on this way anymore.

Sorry for whingeing.

Backspin.


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#186119 - 10/10/07 07:41 AM Re: Happiness is overated [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
BackSpin...not to be rude to your wife here...but you know what is best for you and your healing. I know you love her but these BIG issues in your life are not going to get better until you get the help you need AND deserve!! She may not see it now but once you get out of the hospital she will see what good it did. Its time you lived for you...did whats best for you...not others.

I was there man...I couldnt talk to anyone before I went into the hospital...any little thing would make me snap. Holiday...yeah right...its the toughest thing I ever did...and the most life changing event in my adult life.

Happiness is not over-rated...soemtimes it seems hard to acheive. I think alot of it has to do with your frame of reference...what makes me happy may not make someone else happy.


Your not whining Spin....we are here for ya....just keep talking.
Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#186122 - 10/10/07 07:50 AM Re: Happiness is overated [Re: pain4ever]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Thanks Brian

Since i had the talk with the wife last night, the headaches had gone. God it felt good no pain. Now its back and my head is splitting.

I want, no i need to go inpatient, but how can i leave her to sort this mess out on her own. I hear what you say Brian, but i cant think straight anymore.

I just want to run and run and hide in the dark...

Im scared, cant think anymore, panicking like a little kid and very scared.

Backspin.


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#186123 - 10/10/07 07:55 AM Re: Happiness is overated [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Spin...

Headaches suck...for me I get them when i disassociated...alot of times thats the only way I knew I had. Why do you think talking to her eased it...have you thought about that?

To be honest...on the hospital thing...you are not in a place right now to help too much with the sorting...I mean I dont mean to be mean but can you really think things through soundly and make good rational, non-emotional descisions right now?

Running and hiding...did it for years...everytime i came out of hiding..it was worse. Hiding wont solve anything but I know you know that Spin.

You know the safest place for you right now....I dont even have to say it. I think with everything that has happenned in your life recently...you know that the abuse is the cause of the issues....so how do you fix that??? Deal with the abuse!


Sorry i tend to be blunt....I hope it doesnt come across that I am being mean or a a##hole...cause I am not...I really do care no matter how much its hurt.
Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#186125 - 10/10/07 08:06 AM Re: Happiness is overated [Re: pain4ever]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Backspin,

I so hear you, man. There were times I felt like I was a house of cards ready to come crashing down at the least puff of wind. And what the receptionist said to you was unconscionable. There's just no excuse for saying things like that to a guy with major emotional difficulties.

All I can say to you for the moment is that I think you're on the right track. Things look bad, yes. But the missus will see how important the inpatient stay is for you and that she wont be alone to deal with the crap. For the time being, just hang in there, okay? We'll talk about all this in more detail soon. I'm looking into some stuff for you now.

Much love,
Larry


_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#186126 - 10/10/07 08:07 AM Re: Happiness is overated [Re: pain4ever]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Brian

No your not being an a##hole, the reason i listen is that you just say how it is. Thankyou.

I know im not safe, i dont feel safe nor do i trust myself anymore.

Im back on the vodka and asprins, this helps a bit. sorry.

Ive got to go in, but it still scares me to do this.

Backspin


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#186127 - 10/10/07 08:08 AM Re: Happiness is overated [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Thanks larry...


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#186128 - 10/10/07 08:14 AM Re: Happiness is overated [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Spin....yes it is scary but I have have NEVER felt so safe as I did in the hospital. Its an amazingly reassuring place...the work you do inside is really hard but worth every second.

If you don't trust yourself and you're not safe...well then it is time.

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#186129 - 10/10/07 08:23 AM Re: Happiness is overated [Re: pain4ever]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Brian

I have sat there looking at the phone, trying to call, but i cant. Something inside me is stopping me. I just carry on and mimic life.

Im trying to stay out until i see larry on sat..

Then i will try and sort this out.

Backspin.


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#186130 - 10/10/07 08:28 AM Re: Happiness is overated [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Spin ....

Stay strong for you....no one else...you are worth it.

Fear is stopping you and I understand that and I am so happy you are meeting with Larry...he is a great guy.

However if this gets to be too much...dont wait...if you feel like you may harm yourself...or someone else...please tell me you will call.

Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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