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#185613 - 10/08/07 08:04 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: thesquirrel]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Tim,

One thing I learned early on in the healing process, and I suspect you also understand, is that there is a large difference between knowing something intellectually and actually feeling it to be true. Even if you knew that what your sister did was wrong, that knowledge doesn't help much if you desired her attention anyway. And don't beat yourself up for the fact that you are still struggling to deal with it. I can relate very strongly to what you said in your last post. I didn't even know I was abused until I sat down one night and couldn't avoid contemplating the reasons why my life was so messed up. All I had to go on was one flashback that I had that night, and dozens of memories have come flooding back since then.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#185623 - 10/08/07 09:26 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: BJK]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey Tim, I had very much the same problems when I started out. "Knowing it intellectually" has been my standard line when talking to a therapist when it comes to the guilt I feel. I know it's not my fault but that's sure not how I feel. I went to her house, I took the drink she gave me, I put myself in the position of vulnerability. The fact is that I did go looking for attention, I wanted her to like me, I wanted her to laugh at my jokes. I thought it was really cool that she wanted to hang out with me. But I can say with certainty that what she did to me was sure as hell not what I wanted from her. I suspect it's the same for all of us.

I had not thought about it for twenty years, then my Mother passed away and everything came flooding out. Now it really is crystal clear what happened and more clear is all the effects it had on me. I'd shake around women and if I got hit on the fight or flight reaction was so strong, obviously I wasn't going to fight so it became a usual thing for me to go flying out of the bars on a regular basis. I don't know how many times my friends would ask me "what the hell happened to you last night". The worst part was I didn't really know, I'd always chalk it up to me just being an idiot, but now so many things make sense. It really is kind of a relief that I can actually make some sense of my behaviours. Not that it's any easier but at least I can work on the problem now.

It has only been a year sinse I aknowledged that my assault actually had an effect on me. I think things will become clearer for you, but I would say don't try to push it too hard, the best advice I've gotten from other survivors was to slow down, when I started I dove in full speed and really just ended tying myself up in knots trying to figure everything out over night. Take one thing at a time instead of looking at the whole picture all at once. You've already done the hardest thing and asked for help, and this is a great place to find that.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#185624 - 10/08/07 09:29 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: mogigo]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
One thing I don't do anymore is try to be funny. Felt like maybe that was one of the reasons it happened. Kind of shit.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#185626 - 10/08/07 09:41 AM Re: Any help is welcome *DELETED* [Re: mogigo]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Post deleted by ttoon



Edited by ttoon (10/08/07 12:57 PM)
_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#185926 - 10/09/07 04:41 PM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: ttoon]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey, thanks Dave. Of course you can jump on in, wouldn't have any other way \:\)

Love the line, "I couldn't stop myself from bleeding", it's pretty hard to put it in that perspective but I think that's a really good point.

Definately hard to feel anything, something I'm really trying to work on. It's almost like it's seperate from myself, that I need to isolate that part from the rest of my body, then I can feel it as someone else instead of it really being me. Wow eh, it's so ugly sometimes to think about it. I look forward to the day when the rest of myself is allowed to feel it.

Thanks

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#185929 - 10/09/07 04:46 PM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: thesquirrel]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
I went on Joe Kort's web site and did some reading. If you go to articles, there is an article specifically on men abused by women. Click on the link and scroll down the page.

http://www.joekort.com/articles.htm

Peace and I hope it helps you a little.



Edited by kellygtx (10/09/07 04:47 PM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#185937 - 10/09/07 05:07 PM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: kellygtx]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I think harder than anything was the insult to my maleness when she was finished with me. She called me a "poof" with a look of disgust on her face, it echoed in my head forever.

I guess thank god poof is a word not used too much. Don't know how I'd react if I heard it.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#186113 - 10/10/07 07:16 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: mogigo]
thesquirrel Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/02/07
Posts: 8
Loc: New Zealand
Hi Kelly,

Thanks for the article, I will read it with interest.

Mike, it has always seemed to me that the only way some people can maintain control over their victims is to degrade them to a evel that they rely on that degradation for recognition. I suppose thats just another aspect of the abuse. For me the ongoing reminder is that I have also lent the same person money and been taken advantage of. And I was continually taken advantage of after the abuse stopped. This amongst many other things has led me to avoid my sister wo I should in reality be close with.

I hope your path to happiness and understanding is successful. I am just starting mine. Already with the help of them many good people here I am making progress.

Thank you.

Tim




Edited by thesquirrel (10/10/07 07:17 AM)

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#186131 - 10/10/07 08:30 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: thesquirrel]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
*****triggers*****

Guys,

On the question of a boy's physical response to stimulation by the abuser I want to share something with you. It kind of sums up my route through this one, and it comes from a very long survivor story I worked on in therapy over a period of about 6 months in 2005-2006.

What I did was write down everything I could remember about what happened and how I felt back when I was a boy. Then when other things came to mind I wrote that down too and kept trying to revise and put things in order. That was one part.

But throughout the story I added separate paragraphs in a different type size, indented, and bearing the heading "What Have I learned?" This past was for how I look at things now. In these separate sections I put in things I was learning in therapy, from reading, and from talking to my brothers here.

Anyhoo.... Here's something I wrote about this subject. The first is me at age 10, facing the problem we're talking about here:

Originally Posted By: Little Larry - 1959
I didnít know about masturbation yet, but he was my willing teacher. It grossed me out how he reacted when I first did that for him, and it frightened me and grossed me out even more when he came. At first I thought there was something wrong with him, but he told me no, this is something that shows how special we are to each other. I was too young to ejaculate: but what he was doing made my body respond to him and when I had my first orgasm with him I thought wow, where did that come from! I thought okay, maybe this really is special and these good feelings mean that all this is okay after all. I asked him and of course he told me yes, thatís exactly what it means. It's all okay, otherwise it wouldn't feel good. That quickly became one of his standard lines.


Now here's the Roadrunner in mid-2006:

Originally Posted By: roadrunner
What Have I Learned?

Children need attention and approval, especially from sources they trust. It wasnít strange that I fell for his lie that he would be my big brother. It wasnít my fault that these things were happening, nor was it my fault that I had orgasms with him. The body of an abused boy will still respond to physical stimulation, even if the boy is frightened, doesnít want attention of this kind, and doesnít understand what it means. My body didnít betray me, he betrayed me.

I used to feel that it was completely stupid of me to ask him, the source of the problem, my questions about whether all this was okay. And I believed him when he said if it wasnít okay it wouldnít feel good? But now I see I wasnít stupid at all. I was just a totally innocent child who trusted him. I still canít understand how anyone can do such terrible things to a little kid. How can anyone be that merciless, that unkind?


This still works for me, though as you can see I have been able to see even more of the problem now. I just want you to know we CAN get past these terrible issues. Just give yourself a break and keep working at it - things do get better.

Much love,
Larry


_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#187343 - 10/15/07 09:40 PM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: roadrunner]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Just been lost in my head about my Mother the last little while and had kind of a watershed moment with this one. Pretty scary but makes alot of sense now.

I know very much the fear of failure, it's part of the abuse from my Mother. It's not the trying part that's hard, it's the knowing you'll never suceed so why bother. Whenever I was unemployed my Mom was nice as pie, she'd be sweet and give me money. Of course she'd complain all the time for me to get a job but that was expected obviously. But when I got a job and started doing well she whould turn right nasty on me, belittle my efforts, undermine me, and be down right abusive with her words. I never really did understand it but it's kind of clear now, she was afraid I'd become independent and leave her. It really did make a mess of my head.

Hard to think that the person who was supposed to make me independent is the one who stopped it from happening. Feel so unable to take care of myself sometimes.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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