I went home for lunch today and my wife said "You know, I still feel like you are a very secretive person and always will be. You are very comfortable inside yourself and I don't think you will ever change."

I was floored! I have tried so hard to change and open up I don't know what to do. I do know that I will never be a bubbly outwardly enthusiastic person - but I don't know that I can change that in 9 months if ever. But I am working. I try and talk to her everyday. I don't want to sound like a victim so I write things in my journal I don't share - or write things here I don't want to share - but does having a sounding board for my thoughts and feelings make me secretive??

I fell like I can't win for losing! If working my ass of trying is not good enough - what is??

Dear Kelly:

Your post really struck home with me. A few months ago husband and I did a T session together...your wife's statement was very similar to what I had said to him. I suspect sometimes we often have needs that may not be realistic for our husbands, partner's or bf's to meet.
Maybe instead of trying to point out how far you've come, simply and ask her kindly to help you understand exactly what it is she's looking for specifically from you. Spelling it out may just shock her into realizing that her expectations are unrealistic.
I believe sometimes women and men are completely different in their needs within a relationship. In one of the books that I had read recently, the therapist sited a female patient who was complaining because her husband was not very supportive of her during the illness of her mother. He did not say much regarding the situation, but every morning the husband was outdoors scraping snow off her car and warming it up so that she would be safe and comfortable on her way to the hospital. Maybe he didn't communicate his support but it apparently was there in action. My point in bringing this up is that often times we fail to see what is directly in front of us.
Women (and I'm generalizing so please forgive me) as you can tell by most of us here tend to be wordy, emotion filled and harp on every single word that is conveyed to us. Sometimes changes for the better pass us by unnoticed so you need to take this difference into consideration.
I know you are frustrated...exactly the same way my husband was frustrated during that particular session. I'm not sure if my thoughts on this are helpful but your situation very much sounded familiar to me. By the way, I realized that I was not being fair by the end of that session.
Best wishes,
S-n-S

S-n-S,

Maybe neither of us are being realistic? I think that may be the case. What started this, I think, was a meassage on my cell phone from a friend I was in therapy with. She said she had not listened to the message (yet she knew details?) and that I needed to call him back and why was I ignoring him. I think he was returning a call and she was maybe upset that I did not tell her that I called him the otherday to say hello. She did not ask and I did not say as it was not an important event for me - sometimes I think she wants me to say "Well at 9:06 I called X and said Y." But it is a trust issue and I made her that way - so I guess I just have to be patient and deal with it.

kelly ... i think you may be right about the trust issue ... i think it may be helpful to turn things around and imagine yourself in her shoes ...

... how you are now is going to have a great bearing on whether or not you are ever able to regain her trust ... i think you can do a great deal to assuage some of her fears and concerns ... and i'm sure you want to do just that simply because you love her and would like her to feel a bit better ...

she may need details of every moment of your life for a little while ... she may need to snoop and listen to your messages and whatever for a little while ... i guess you'll have to decide if you want that level of scrutiny ...

if was NOT your fault you were abused ... and i think a convincing argument can be made that the sexual acting out that you did with other men wasn't exactly your fault either (although it was your responsibility) ... but infidelity is infidelity ... and it takes a very long time to regain trust ... if ever ...

it may take her a VERY long time to regain her trust in you ... and it may take a lot of effort on your part ... it may require you be more open than you ever thought you could be ... but that's not necessarily a bad thing (although i understand how difficult it is to be open as a survivor ... especially with someone you're close to) ...

she not trying to be unreasonable, it doesn't seem ... she's just trying to get a handle on whether or not she can trust you again ... and it may take a very long time for her to do that ...

selene

Selene -

Succinct, direct, and right on target. It does not bother me and I understand she may ned to do this for her own sanity (and protection). And I am trying.

Thank you!