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#185885 - 10/09/07 02:07 PM such a rough patch again....
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Hi, everyone.

You know that feeling when you look around and say, wait a minute, how'd we get here?

I didn't think I was being so unmindful. But somehow, after a couple of months of decline, we're back at the bottom of the mountain again. I am not at all sure I have the stamina to keep on pushing the rock back up the hill.

For every step forward, there's at least one step back. We are not really advancing. Moving, but with no forward progress. Sidestepping the big issues still, all the time. What are we really going to do as a couple? Now that we're living together, what does this mean for us long-term? If we want to get married, as we say we do, then what is to be done to make that possible and desirable? These questions seem to be threatening, not encouraging, and the only thing he seems to want to do is to run away.

I can't make headway. There's only damage control and crisis management. I HATE living like this. EVERY time that we seem to get close to addressing some of these, something more important comes up. My work, his work. Kids. Other family members. Illness. All legitimate excuses, perhaps, but over and over and over again, and no time to do things differently--no progress on the core issues that still plague us so.

No sex. No social life. No being part of a wider network, outside of our house (including my daughter). No consistent routine, not daily or weekly. No serious discussion of our long-term financial situation, beyond paycheck to paycheck. No plan for changing any of this! Just--wait. And wait some more.

Wait for what? I don't even have any idea. I can't live like this any more.

Last week, he got disappointing news that he did not get a job he really hoped to get. It would have made a significant difference, economically at least, but we can still get by as he is now. (For that matter, he can get by on his own, as can I for the time being, but we're both living close enough to the edge that it does help to share basic expenses.) I had a bad feeling about it, judging from the feedback he relayed to me, but after one rough day he seemed to be coping reasonably well.
We had a pleasant and productive day around the house on Saturday. And then, Sunday morning, he went off.

No word now for 48 hours. And presumably, if he ever shows up, he is going to expect me to be mostly happy to see him. Because he'll be exhausted and depleted, and so tired from fighting his demons.

(Or so he'll say, and maybe that will be true.) But who takes care of me when he abuses my trust and my steadfast support?
He promised he wouldn't take off any more, and yet he seems incapable or unwilling, I don't know which, to make any real change in his behavior.

Even before the disappointing news, it's been pretty clear that he's been more brittle than is good for him (or me). Emotionally volatile, not sleeping well, not calm at all. Erratic behavior in general. Though I tried to frame it in terms of noticing what progress he's made--because truly he had reached a point of not being like that all the time--apparently it was just too much to suggest that things were not going well.

In part, I was willing to attribute it to the job question, since the possibility has been open for over a month. But I think the job issue was really just a diversion. Almost nothing has changed, other than our cohabitation, since the spring. He thinks that's enough. I don't.

He's come home from AA meetings frequently in the past month or so telling me that the guys have told him that he's being an ass, not properly pulling his weight at home (in response to my requests/complaints). He's been calmer and more cheerful and agreeable in the short run--for like, maybe, a day or two afterwards. But, you know, maybe he just doesn't want to change bad enough. Maybe our life together really isn't worth the trouble to him. Maybe he is just as self-centered and narcissistic as he says other women have told him (so that I can say otherwise--?) Maybe he simply doesn't know how to behave differently on a regular basis, and can't figure out where to begin. Maybe there's still so much inner chaos, he really can't cope with anything else. I just don't know.

I can't go back there, to the constant instability. It's too painful. It's too dangerous, actually, for me as well as for my daughter: I can't put my work at risk, or my own peace of mind.

I don't know if I'm even asking for advice. I am truly heartsick and despairing. I don't know that I have it in me to keep trying. All I get are empty promises. And so I have also started to wonder whether if having me as a source of pressure is actually counter-productive after all.

I think our lives are better for both of us (and for my daughters, as well as for his kids) when we're together and in synch. That's great, and we both seem to be very happy in those stretches. When we're not, though, it's worse. WAY worse than being apart would be, it seems. I don't want the "worse" to keep on deepening, and I don't see how to turn it around. We haven't even reached the point of BEING "for better or for worse" to each other--!

OK, now I realize I am simply going to embark on a rant. I don't want to do that either, so I'll stop here.

Feedback welcome. Thanks in advance.

Peace,
HG

PS--
Actually, I will ask for some advice.
I am considering presenting some conditions to him upon his return.
1. Re-entering therapy, both solo and joint, immediately
2. That I meet his therapist & his AA sponsor, also immediately
3. That we devise a specific and detailed plan, with our joint therapist, to address these practical relationship issues over the next 9 months.
It's not an ultimatum, because I'm willing to negotiate. But it is a stand.
What do you think?
Thanks again.
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#185890 - 10/09/07 02:13 PM Re: such a rough patch again.... [Re: honey girl]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
PS--
Actually, I will ask for some advice.
I am considering presenting some conditions to him upon his return.

HG - Here are some of my thoughts -

1. Re-entering therapy, both solo and joint, immediately - Yes

2. That I meet his therapist & his AA sponsor, also immediately - Why, they are HIS therapist and HIS AA sponsor - you need to deal with your issues and let him deal with his.

3. That we devise a specific and detailed plan, with our joint therapist, to address these practical relationship issues over the next 9 months. - Great idea - I love a plan.


It's not an ultimatum, because I'm willing to negotiate. But it is a stand. - What is the difference between a "stand" and an ultimatum?

What do you think?
Thanks again.
HG



Edited by kellygtx (10/09/07 02:17 PM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#185892 - 10/09/07 02:25 PM Re: such a rough patch again.... [Re: kellygtx]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Thanks, Kelly.
Yes, #1 is pretty obvious.
#2 because one of the major issues between us is the compartmentalization he insists upon. I am always at arms' length, I feel, to people in his life, while he insists on being part of my networks. I don't want to embark on therapy or sponsorship with either one of them--just to have me be a known and recognized person to them, and vice versa. I'd certainly like to feel less in the dark, less at sea all the time about what is actually going on with him. (I do know that he has seen his own sponsees' partners at times.)
#3 just a plan won't work, because talk is cheap.
Ultimatum seems to me to say, my way or the highway, no matter what you think. Stand is an attempt to say here is my position, what's yours, please let's talk about how we can meet my needs and yours.
Thanks again.
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#185928 - 10/09/07 04:45 PM Re: such a rough patch again.... [Re: honey girl]
thewife Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
Dear honey girl,

I don't really have any advice, and don't feel that I'm in any position to give any. Still, I wanted to reach out to you to let you know that I'm thinking about you, and wishing you the best things possible. You may not know it, but YOUR WORDS talked me down from a really high ledge over the weekend. You gave me what I needed to go on, go forward. I will NEVER forget that. You reached out to me when I was unreachable. I cannot convey how much that meant. I am reaching out to you now, sending you lots of love. Hang in, hang on.

Love,
Amy


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#185941 - 10/09/07 05:57 PM Re: such a rough patch again.... [Re: thewife]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Dear Honey-girl,
Your post could be mine, word for word except the AA part as my BF does not drink. I feel your pain. Only i moved out of our home 3 weeks ago or i would have suffocated. I told him (again) of my love and devotion to him no matter where i reside, but unless he wanted to invest as much time in himself as i did (and he expected of me) then i would have to go. I told him i was seeing a T myself and that at some point i would gladly see a T together with him, if he desired.
3 weeks went by without a word..... needless to say i was insane.
i prayed and prayed...for him and for me.
Then today, i called him on a really goofy matter and he actually called back. He came over and told me he is back seeing his T and even a psychiatrist for his depression.
MIRACLES DO HAPPEN!!!
i know its a start, but at least it is a step.

What is best for you and your daughter?? This is what you need to ask yourself. communicate that to him. ask him to invest in himself as much as he expects from you.
I don't believe they are demands...i believe they are expectations to be negotiated. Set boundaries, both yours and his.
A couple is 2 people not just one.
What ever happens, my thoughts and prayers are with you.
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#185958 - 10/09/07 06:59 PM Re: such a rough patch again.... [Re: mmac]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
Actually, I will ask for some advice.
I am considering presenting some conditions to him upon his return.
1. Re-entering therapy, both solo and joint, immediately

.. absolutely ...

2. That I meet his therapist & his AA sponsor, also immediately

... absolutely ... i agree with kelly that this is his recovery but it also impacts your life and the life of your daughter ... so, if that is what you feel you need, then it's what you need ... i also assume you feel it would be helpful ...

3. That we devise a specific and detailed plan, with our joint therapist, to address these practical relationship issues over the next 9 months.

... absolutely ...

It's not an ultimatum, because I'm willing to negotiate. But it is a stand.

... hg, i understand the difference ...

What do you think?

... i think this is an excellent plan ... i can see you can't really go on like you are, with him disappearing and so on ... he may not want to take these steps, which is of course up to him ... but i think everything you've said is very reasonable, given that you live together and may get married in the future ...

selene
HG

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#185964 - 10/09/07 07:14 PM Re: such a rough patch again.... [Re: selene]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
.. and mmac ... great to hear your bf is back in therapy \:\)

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#185980 - 10/09/07 08:09 PM Re: such a rough patch again.... [Re: selene]
brokensoul Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/28/07
Posts: 101
honey girl,

I have to say that I'm with Selene on this one. But I think you should hold to your guns and try hard to get what is needed for the both of you. I'm not saying to dump him if he will not agree but try hard. I don't think it is pushing because what you want is to be in the loop you are not getting into his abuse but wanting to know were he is at. I would add to that list that if he is going to run off he needs to at least call and let you know were he is and that he is ok. Please remember that you have got to look out for yourself and your daughters well being and not lose yourself in all of this.

Take care.
Brokensoul


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#186023 - 10/09/07 10:15 PM Re: such a rough patch again.... [Re: mmac]
ptsdwife Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/25/07
Posts: 45
mmac,

i'm so glad about your b/f GREAT NEW!!! Good luck


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#186105 - 10/10/07 05:09 AM Re: such a rough patch again.... [Re: ptsdwife]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
thanks, everyone, for your feedback. especially amy--i'm really glad to have been of help, and i really felt your support coming back at me.
i've been pretty calm all day. not personalizing his distress, so that's been good. relatively productive, and definitely present for my daughter.
he came home a little while ago. just about as miserable and forlorn as i expected, but safe. so. we start again with the basics, and go on from there....
i don't know if any rollercoaster is even close to being like our real lives.
peace,
hg

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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