After 20 years of “living” with the abuse I can no longer run from it…

I am. . .
Scared
A Good Person
Alone
Ashamed
Not Gay
In Much Pain


I have never hurt anyone, have a good job, live in the right neighborhood. I feel like an outcast with many friends. I want to be “normal,” but am afraid I will always feel awkward.

This is my first step in reaching out. I’m going to go for a long run to help clear my head. . .

Still alone in the dark.

Hi Alphabravo.

Welcome to the site. With four-thousand-some-odd other folks here, you are as of now a little less alone.

Hi Alphabravo, and welcome to the MS site. There's a bunch of brave men here who understand exactly what you're saying and will help you in any way they can.

Something you said above particularly struck me, which was:



Similarly, I told a friend here once that I felt like my life was just "walking through an empty town". Being around people, but still so isolated.

Again, welcome, and proceed at your own pace, and let others know how they can help.

Alphabravo -

I could have written that verbatum. I have been in recovery about 9 months and have found out -

Yes I am scared - and still am, but I can deal with it and naming it helps

I am a good person - and that can't be taken away from me

I am not alone - and others have been used and abused too

I am working on feeling ashamed and feeling guilty because I hated / liked it

I am not Gay - but I do have homoerotic imprinting and have acted out and have cut myself

I am in much less pain then I was - but it still hurts

Welcome and Peace and Love

Thanks for the support.

My Pain hurts. It hurts!!!! It hurts!!!

Alphabravo

All I can say to that is amen. And although it does not really lessen - at least from my own observations - how I deal with it has dramatically changed. And just the fact that I can feel the pain, really feel it - has made a big difference also.

Welcome. Every guy here has been exactly where you are now. It hurts like hell. But the most important thing is that you have taken the first steps to dealing with it. You've got a long, hard journey ahead, but it is so worth it. and once you have begun, there is no going back. Lots of great guys here to help you and walk with you along the way.
Paul

One thing that strikes me is that it seems that we all go threw many of the same emotions, feelings and path to recovery (I think). I am interested how others came to get help. A co-worker said he sensed something "Dark" in me. I was 6 then 11 when the events happened, I am 31 today. No one ever noticed, until this past week. It shook me up. Then I found this webpage.

What are others stories that made you find help?

Thanks

P.S. It’s helpful, and sad, that I am not alone. I have been alone for 20+ years.

Post deleted by ttoon

hard is the understatement----------------steve