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#185747 - 10/08/07 08:57 PM Fears, Memories ect
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
When i was little after the abuse had happened it had obviously effected me i dont doubt that. But for the most part growing up i never had nightmares i was a good for the most part i was a normal kid.

as a child i was never really scared to do things, people could touch me and i was fine with it, i had good normal relationships with people, i didnt flinch all the time, i wasnt constantly looking over my shoulder, and i was in control of my emotions i wasnt angry one second and sad the other i was just normal.

Things have never been perfect at my house their have always been problems. but when i was little the things didnt bother me.

none of this stuff started bothering my untill i was 12 or 13 and even then i wasnt a complete reck but then about a year ago around the time i turned 17 (im 18 now) i started feeling really depressed i started not sleeping all the things above that i mentioned didnt bother me as a child all started bothering me almost at once.

I guess my question is why Now? or Why ever? i never lived in denial about what happened i was just ok with it. what inside of me or around me changed so that all of a sudden i am afraid of everything?

many thanks,
Chris


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#185751 - 10/08/07 09:01 PM Re: Fears, Memories ect [Re: theatrekid]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
isnt 16/17ish when the chemical imbalance of depression shows up in people? i thought i read that somewhere.


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#185760 - 10/08/07 09:27 PM Re: Fears, Memories ect [Re: Jarrad]
Scoutvictim Offline
Guest

Registered: 06/04/07
Posts: 434
Loc: St. Louis, Missouri
Chris,

Thank you for the comment on my post.

I have often thought my memories and feelings were under control. As I open myself up to recovery, I find many more issues, that I never thought, were lurking around in my subconscious.

The good news, dealing with it now, will help you in the future. I know it's hard but you can tough it out.

I am here for you, just hit me up.

Luv ya,
Carl

_________________________
Shawn and Ben will always be in my heart....

Happiness is like peeing your pants; Everyone can see it, but only YOU feel the warmth.

Peebles, Ohio WOR alumni, Oct. 2007

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#185786 - 10/08/07 11:28 PM Re: Fears, Memories ect [Re: Scoutvictim]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
Jarrad i have no clue, i think little kids can suffer from depression but im not familiar with the science behind it.

Carl

i know dealing with it will help me in the future but its just really confusing.

i know your here its greatly appreciated im really tired still not sleeping good im doing home work now ill talk to you soon

, Chris


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#185817 - 10/09/07 08:03 AM Re: Fears, Memories ect [Re: theatrekid]
anyway90 Offline
Guest

Registered: 05/26/07
Posts: 148
Hi Chris,

I am about the same age as you.

It seems really pretentious...because everyone's experiences are different but I can sort of relate to how you feel.

My life was alright,good in fact,until I turned about 14.

It has been a downward ride from there..

My past is shrouded in mystery,my present is filled with emptiness,and my future is bleak.


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#185822 - 10/09/07 08:17 AM Re: Fears, Memories ect *DELETED* [Re: anyway90]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Post deleted by ttoon

_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#185824 - 10/09/07 08:51 AM Re: Fears, Memories ect [Re: ttoon]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
mt t told me-------this stuff doesnt pop up until--my mind is ready---------------------steve


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#185930 - 10/09/07 04:52 PM Re: Fears, Memories ect [Re: sabata]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Chris,

As Dave says, denial is an amazing thing. Even if you had full memories, just the power of saying "It doesn't matter" can affect you in a big way. But finally that facade won't hold together any longer.

I was in a form of denial for many years, and though I cn see now I suffered from depression and PTSD throughout, the symptoms didn't really become bad until I began wondering if there was something I needed to face. That's when the really heavy symptoms of PTSD kicked in.

All these aspects of behavior are your mind's reaction to a very big challenge. I would just make sure your T, doctor and parents know how you feel and what's going on. If you can talk about things that may lessen the feeling of being in danger, and that in turn may alleviate some of these other problems.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#185957 - 10/09/07 06:57 PM Re: Fears, Memories ect [Re: roadrunner]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
Thanks guys Its just really overwhelming and i thought by now after doing therapy for a little while i would start to feel better. i have improved i guess but not in the ways i hoped.... baby steps i suppose but its so frustrating.... Not that you guys dont already know that. \:\)

thanks for the thoughts and advice

oh anyway90 if it counts for anything i dont think your future is bleak

,Chris


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#185966 - 10/09/07 07:19 PM Re: Fears, Memories ect [Re: theatrekid]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I thought I'd chime in here. It's been an interesting thread.

At any rate, I honestly didn't think any of this was affecting me until very recently. The signs were so obvious, but I just thought that's what it meant to be normal. The fact is, I believe I started suffering from acute depression as early as age 13. I just lived with it because I didn't know any other way.

So here I am, 3 months into this whole healing process. I feel great most days, which is a sharp contrast to the way I was just a month ago when I felt like crap most days. I think it's actually been more than a week since I cried, which is a positive thing. But now, I have new issues. Like Larry mentioned, the PTSD is starting to come out, and it's getting really bad.

I'm also just starting to realize how bad the physical abuse was when I was very young, and I think that's part of the PTSD.

The other issue that needs work is a lack of ambition. I started taking anti-depressents about a month ago, and to be honest, I'm not used to being happy. The fact is, I just like to sit at home and enjoy it most of the time.

I still get triggered a lot, and it can definitely take some time to recover from them.

All in all, though, my aunt, another surivor, had the best words of wisdom for me when I started on this path just three months ago. Recovery isn't something that we will complete one day. It will be a constant journey for us for the rest of our lives.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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