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#185031 - 10/05/07 09:12 PM I need some suggestions
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
My husband and I have been seperated for 5 months. He has not taken any steps towards recovery from his CSA or the alcoholism as a result of the CSA. He started talking about a fresh start these last two weeks - starting from this point forward. I have been very candid that he has to face his issues and be activly working a program for the alcohol abuse before we can even begin to think about trying to put things back together.

He said to me "do you really think I want to be this way?" which I guess is the closest he's ever come to admitting that he's an alcoholic. He wants to go to marriage counseling and family counseling with our sons, I agreed with reservations, I figured having a neutral third party involved would help even if we couldn't put anything back together.

I feel that he needs to take the step to getting into some program for the booze - not me set it up for him and take care of it like I always used to do. He has done nothing and this morning I started getting drunken phone calls by 11:00 am - I mean smashed drunk. He apparently slept off the worst of the day long binge and at first was nasty and confrontational with me. His last phone call he said that he needs help and he's reaching out to me for the help. I told him that he needs professional help for the alcoholism and he said that's why he's reaching out to me.

My question, confusion and concern over all of this is do I step in and help him? Do I find him a program? Do I hold his hand in this?

I've been told over and over and believe that he has to do it - do I guide him in the right direction?????? I'm so tired of it all - I know he desperately wants his family back, how much of a role do I take in helping him achieve that????

I'm afraid that he's only going to suck me dry again.

Please give me your opinions and experiances!!!!!

Thanks!!
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#185050 - 10/05/07 10:38 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: savemyfam]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Angie!!!

I'm so sorry for the pain you two are in....I really don't have any advice except that it's not okay for anyone to be sucked dry. You can't be productive in that manner, for anyone let alone for yourself. Choose wisely, and believe me when I tell you I don't envy your situation. Maybe you can lead him to the water but not make him drink. He has to want to be better, I know he does, it would make it so much sweeter if he pulled himself along, and did the leg work himself. I see it's tricky, hard and painful. I'm sorry! I really am.

always,
Kelly

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#185053 - 10/05/07 10:45 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: Agape Girl]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Thanks Kelly!!!

I wish he would do the leg work as well, it would show me that he really wants it. He's not a very strong person even though he portrays himself as one and he's very prideful which doesn't help either.

He has lived so long in fear and it really has paralyzed him for a long time - I think that to a degree he is not able to take that first step by himself, but I also don't want to enable him. He has depended on me for a long time for strength but I want him to stand on his own - again I'm questioning if I should be his strength in this and guide him.

Thanks again Kelly - I don't envy me either!!!!

XOXOXOX
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#185054 - 10/05/07 10:50 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: Agape Girl]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Angie,
i too chose to leave the man i love in order to save myself. when i did, like you, i left a big piece of me with him. you have and are doing what you need to survive. Proceed slowly and cautiously. He needs to do this for himself, you cannot and should not do it for him. He needs to realize that he finally does have a choice and a voice and he needs to use them.
It is painful to watch someone you love in such distress.
Just as he needs to feel this for himself, YOU need to decide for yourself what boundaries you are comfortable with too.
we are here whatever you decide.
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#185058 - 10/05/07 10:58 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: savemyfam]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
Quote:
His last phone call he said that he needs help and he's reaching out to me for the help. I told him that he needs professional help for the alcoholism and he said that's why he's reaching out to me.


Quote:
I'm afraid that he's only going to suck me dry again.


angie ... i think it sounds like he's trying to take steps to get help ... and of course you can't do the work for him ... but i think him asking you for help is ... well ... him reaching out for help, which is exactly what you had asked him to do ...

... so maybe helping him find support and treatment for the alcoholism would be ok for both you and for him, as well as giving other help when he specifically asks for it ... especially if you agree on some ground rules for how and when you will help him ...

selene

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#185061 - 10/05/07 11:15 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: selene]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Wow mmac and Selene - both ends of the spectrum. I agree with both of you. That's my problem.

What struck me when I read your response Selene is that for 3 years I've told him that I would be there for him when he is ready to take steps towards recovery, now I guess the time is here and I'm afraid to jump in with both feet.

I've spent a long time getting myself to not care for him, I had to because he had become so ugly. I have to really think hard to remember the man that I fell in love with and what a wonderful person that he was.

I'm afraid that if I don't guide him towards the first steps that he will be lost forever - but damnit I will not give up the momentum in my life, I will never be responsible for him again.

Wow it really does suck to be me right now!

Thanks as always my friends!

XOXOXOXO
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#185077 - 10/06/07 12:32 AM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: savemyfam]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
... angie, you don't have to be responsible for him or give up your own progress to help him some ... especially if you agree with him on the terms of whatever help you may give him ... maybe agreeing that you will locate a treatment option for him, but that he is responsible for making the appointments (or meetings ... or whatever applies) ... just for example ...

you don't have to love him or see him as the man he was ... he's not that man now anyway ... and you've changed too ... and you definitely don't have to jump in with both feet ... it doesn't seem like it has to be a black/white or all or nothing type of situation ... you can determine the level of support you want to give (if you decide to give any at all ... and you may not) ...

... i'm just saying that i think it's possible to help someone without losing yourself ... when good boundaries are in place ...

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#185088 - 10/06/07 02:57 AM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: savemyfam]
ptsdwife Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/25/07
Posts: 45
Hi,

look at your screen name... maybe that will answer your question!
Believe... sometimes we get miracles if we just believe.

You really dont have any thing to loose, You been there, done that and I don't think you can be face with all that pain again.

You where put thru the fire and you are a true surviver...

Just weigh it down and see how important it is to save your family and give it another try !!! this time might just be what we are all waiting for!

Don't understimate your self ... You are strong and that it the only reason why we are even having this conversation.

Now if you don't love him anymore then .. You are finally FREE

You have the choice now ... It's really about Love

Do you still love him after all that happend or are yu over him?


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#185111 - 10/06/07 08:57 AM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: ptsdwife]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
You are all such remarkable women and I am truly blessed that you all have come into my life! Thank you.

I'm not feeling quite so overwhelmed this morning and can look at all of this with a much clearer head.

As with most alcoholics, there is no middle ground with him - it's all or nothing so I think that is what has me freaked out. If I help him he'd try to have us spending every minute together possible - he tends to be or want to be all consuming. And if things don't go the way he wanted, he gets angry and tries to bully and manipulate to get his way - another classic alcoholic trait.

My best friend of 30 years and I of course discuss all of this at great length and I recently made a comment to the effect of "do you really think he loves me so intensly or am I just another addiction and obsession" and she floored me when she said that she knows that he loves me intensly but feels that he is not capable of having a healthy relationship. How sad. There are so many levels of recovery that he has ahead of him.

I am going to help him, but absolutely with firm boundries. I will help to set him on his way and then he has to do the rest.

Thank you all,
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#185117 - 10/06/07 09:41 AM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: savemyfam]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Angie,

new job...he's (hopefully) getting treatment...

so much going on right now

take yourself to the nearest mall. buy yourself a knock out outfit for that new job. get a haircut.

go for a ride on your buttmobile.

whatever makes you feel happy.

and congradulate yourself on where you've come from all ready. if you can survive all of that on your own, you can surely do this.

we all hope that he will stick with it.

in the meanwhile, take care of yourself.

V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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