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#186709 - 10/12/07 12:37 PM Re: When he asks WHY I love him....... [Re: Brokenhearted]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
I,too aks the very same question to my wife to be..."why do you love me so much" and she always says "because you are all i have ever wanted in a man and more"....that gives me butterflies yet i still ask her and i can't explain why although i'm sure it has an awful lot to do with my self-esteem.

You love your husband however from what i can see he knows it yet questions why....being a surivior myself i never knew what true love was,now i do and it feels so right and damn good....i can only say be consistent when you say " i love you " and before you know it,or you may never know,he could for example say..." i know you do" ....it's a start or he may say nothing but at the very least telling him he's a loveable man will go a long way therefore love is everything not just the word alone....COMMITMENT comes to mind no matter what whenever i hear " i love you "....

Hope i helped you otherwise i tried....


Coopstah



Edited by thecoopstah (10/12/07 12:38 PM)
_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#186855 - 10/13/07 12:20 AM Re: When he asks WHY I love him....... [Re: thecoopstah]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
You bet, Coopstah, my commitment is strong and has survived a lot including infidelities. Eventually he'll just have to be convinced that this is real love.

A few months ago when I told him I loved him, he said, "I don't feel it...I'm sorry, I don't feel anything." I took it to mean he didn't feel any love for me or feel anything for ME, which it *could* mean, I guess, which is terribly painful to hear after 15 yrs of marriage. But maybe I got it all wrong and maybe he only meant that he just does not feel (i.e. believe?) my love for him.

He has said "I know you do" a few times more recently which is good, but it's said within a sigh so that I know he still doesn't feel it.

I just wish he'd get his feelings back......and I guess that won't happen, right, until he has the meltdown or whatever?

I'm still learning...sometimes I feel this stuff is so over my head still, though.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#186886 - 10/13/07 08:47 AM Re: When he asks WHY I love him....... [Re: Brokenhearted]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
BH,

The only "feeling" my b/f acknowledges without hesitation is sadness. The rest is there - I'm quite sure of it - but he won't or can't acknowledge their existence. I've seen other emotions in him, I know it's there but perhaps they're too fleeting for him to recognize and maybe thinking about it, in his mind, negates them. Who knows - not me for sure. I say I love you, but not as often as the words come to my head because he's so uncomfortable. I wrote him a love letter, years ago, telling him why and thanking him for being in my life. This was long before all hell broke loose, so he can't think I did it to make him feel better. He's asked me why a couple of times but when I've started to tell him, I hear a soft "stop." That hurts. He wants to know and I want to tell him, but saying nice things to him, about him, upsets him - go figure!

I know that most of time he's glad I'm around, so that's what I'm running with for now.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#186893 - 10/13/07 09:11 AM Re: When he asks WHY I love him....... *DELETED* [Re: Trish4850]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Post deleted by ttoon

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checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#186894 - 10/13/07 09:23 AM Re: When he asks WHY I love him....... [Re: ttoon]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dave, when you said, "Because to say I love you, expecting or demanding a like response...is a manipulation...and survivors are very sensitive to manipulation."
I understand this concept, I really do...but to have the person I love respond with a cold or uncaring "flat" sort of reply would leave me feeling greatly insecure. My feel about declaring love for one another has nothing to do with manipulation but more so an announcement to the whole world that "hey, this man here is "it," he's the everything, the spring in my step when I walk and I want him to know this...to understand the magnitude of how much he means to me. To reply in any other way in response seems to me more of a manipulation from the survivor. I take it as throwing a power trip because they can to cause hurt to the person who is putting themself out there with such a declaration.
If my husband did this to me, I would stop offering him my heart in such an expressive statement. To hurt someone you love even in what may appear to be a subtle way, is not too cool at all.
Sorry if this comes across as harsh. It's just the way I see it.
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#186897 - 10/13/07 09:29 AM Re: When he asks WHY I love him....... *DELETED* [Re: sweet-n-sour]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Post deleted by ttoon



Edited by ttoon (10/13/07 09:30 AM)
_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#186898 - 10/13/07 09:43 AM Re: When he asks WHY I love him....... [Re: ttoon]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Uhm..."I understand you might not be able to accept that I love you right now. But I do...and because I feel it, it is important for me to say it."

Hey Dave - I've said almost the exact words - with a smile on my face and a hug and a kiss to go along with it. He understands or at least tolerates my need to express my love with words. So, as I said, most of time he's glad I'm around, so that's what I'm running with for now.

Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#189776 - 11/03/07 04:35 AM Re: When he asks WHY I love him....... [Re: Trish4850]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Speaking of course only for myself, there are many facets of my personality that could be driving the question in a given situation. In life it's usually some messy combination of these, but for exposition's sake i'll keep them distinct.

There's my "mr. spock" side, which tends toward the coldly analytical perspective, treating "love" as a by-product of a conscious mind filtering biological imperatives, which are in turn driven by natural selection. Humans are social creatures- empathetic individuals are more likely to be altruistic individuals, and altruistic individuals are more likely to place their social group's needs over their own in a crisis, thereby increasing the chances of their group's survival through the crisis.
Sociopaths don't make good soldiers or caregivers, and die younger on average; there's a reason why the estimated % of the general population (for lifetime risk of ASPD) is at 5.8 for males and 1.2 for females. Therefore that side of me is interested in the degree of empathy shown by the response to the question, as well as being an indirect method of eliciting the respondent's personal conception/interpretation of "love", which bypasses self-censoring.

Another side of me is of course the one described well by other posts here, the perspective of seeing "love" as something others may be worthy of, but not me. This is the guy who is determined to save you from me, and by persisting in contradicting or opposing him, you increase the likelihood of being percieved as foolish or willfully ignorant, which often results in words or actions designed to "prove you wrong", and drive you off.(Note: 3rd person perspective is being used here as a therapeutic tool, where i'm attempting to reinforce the idea of this side of myself as being a a false concept resulting from my abuse, rather than a valid core identity)

Of course, that framework isn't that distant from another facet/perspective, which interprets existence as a sort of cruel joke, with any positive feeling such as love or hope simply being another set-up for the punchline, which is simply "WRONG AGAIN!" In this context, "Why do you love me?" is being filtered as "Why do you torment me?"

Then there is my "ashamed little boy" side; the side you might see if nothing else has succeeded in pushing you away, the side of me that can still hope, and feel, and "wear his heart on his sleeve"- the shaky small voice who would ask in genuine and grateful incredulity, either in the midst of tears or after:
"Why do you love me?"

The answer he's still trying to truly be able to hear?

"Because you are."



_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#189780 - 11/03/07 08:16 AM Re: When he asks WHY I love him....... [Re: dgoods]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
dgoods,

As usual, a very enlightening post. Can I ask, are you a teacher, a professor, a philosopher, a writer? Your thoughts and words are always so expressive yet very easy to understand.

As for the "Because you are" answer it's a lovely thought and one that is absolutely deserving of a child from a parent or one in a parent role, but I don't believe it applies to an adult relationship. These are fostered on a completely different level. Two adults meet on the street or at dinner or at a function or where ever and not everyone falls in love. It's some connection between two people that leads to the adult relationship. That relationship needs to be tended to very carefully in order to flourish and both people need to be doing it for the relationship to survive.

My b/f is a great guy. He's caring of others, funny, smart, ambitious, he knows when to have fun and when it's time to work. He's gentle and loving; he cares and watches out for me and mine, he plays with the dog and takes good care of her, he shows others and most especially me that we matter. That's what I fell in love with. I didn't fall for him, just because he exists. I fell in love with him and continue to love him because he completes my world *jeez, wasn't that a movie line * but it's true. My life is better for having him in it, bumps and bruises included.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#189785 - 11/03/07 10:52 AM Re: When he asks WHY I love him....... [Re: Trish4850]
Kathryn Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/08/07
Posts: 303


First, I agree with Trish re. dgoods \:\)

Secondly, I agree with both dgoods and Trish re. why we love someone -- at least sometimes and with some people. Perhaps adult love begins, and often ends, because that person contributes positive things to our own lives. And when the positives are outweighed by the negative we cease to love.

But sometimes even when the negatives outweigh the positives we go on loving even if the romantic relationship ends, and even if, due to whatever, the relationship itself ends. I don't know, I used to think and feel more like Trish. Now I'm not so sure. Maybe as we get older our capacity to love just because the other exists gets stronger. Maybe having a child and loving our children in this shows us that perhaps more people are worthy of this kind of love -- or maybe simply that we're capable of it.

Katie


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