Hi again,

Got another question for anyone willing to take a stab. My husband always, when I say "I like you" or "I love you", asks, "Why?" or just says "I don't know why...." And it seems that no matter what I say it does not matter. I try to tell him in detail so many reasons or because he's my husband or "because I do."

From survivors' points of view, what would be a "good answer" on my part? Or is there even one at all? I am getting tired of not knowing what magic words he needs to hear.

How about:

"Because I couldn't imagine life without you."

I don't think there is a correct answer to this question. It is his self-esteem talking when he says something like that.

Bryan

Thank you, Bryan, excellent answer - I like it, a LOT.

i got this one once and it made me melt...

"Because you are everything I ever wanted and more"

Corney huh?

You might have to really sit and reflect on why you DO love him. It's very hard to articulate feelings that deep, but we do what we must in spite of how hard the task might be.

I know in my own case, it's one of those "it is because it is" situations. I honestly believe that certain people are meant to meet one another for a bevy of reasons. When you get that feeling as though this other person makes you more than you were before... it's an important relationship that should be nurtured and protected. That's how I feel. He makes me BETTER. I can tell him anything, even if it's something horrible or embarrassing (or both), and know that he'll only be supportive and honest with me.

It's like loving your own arm or leg. You love it because it's a part of you, you need it to function. It's like loving oxygen and water, because you need them to live. We don't often connect the things we NEED with the things we LOVE, but it's something we should all take a closer look at. We love the people we love because they are as necessary, as vital as every other element that keeps us ticking. The people we love make each day worth getting up for, they are more important than ourselves. We would and will and do fight for them tooth and nail and NO ONE is going to hurt them so long as there is breath in our lungs.

Maybe that's a selfish way of looking at it, but I've never been ashamed to admit that I'm a selfish person.

I hope that helps. If not, it felt good to write.

See? Selfish. lol

Brokenhearted,

When I was in therapy for my 6 week inpatient stay I was on the phone with my wife and I asked her that same question - "Why do you love me?" and her answer was very simple. "Because you are my soulmate. It is not by chance that we are together. We were destined to find each other." That meant everything in the workld to me at that time, and still does.

brokenhearted,
when BF asks me that, i would tell him over and over but he didn't believe me. Finally, I just said, "Because God has brought us together and who am i to argue with God?" He would just smile. We are soul mates too. sometimes you need to believe when others around you cannot. I told BF that very thing.
M:)

Broken--I'm sure your husband isn't the first to ask those questions. Hell, I ask them all the time. It's a knee-jerk survivor inquiry, I suppose...

As far as the appropriate response, maybe there isn't one. Though it may help to understand why he asks. It's not vanity, not because he wants to hear you say 'because you're absolutely perfect and wonderful!' but because he probably genuinely can't understand why anyone would love him.

It's a deep seeded and well-known issue that survivors have difficulties accepting their own worth in general, especially in regards to others. Generally, this feeling is unjustified, though it is real, nonetheless.

Honestly? Regardless of what you say he's likely to take it with a grain of salt. It takes a lot of affirmation for a survivor to trust mere words. However, not being able to come up with a response can be pretty disastrous. Be honest. Think about this sincerely. Maybe make a list of the reasons 'why'. Offer them even when he doesn't ask. Be persistent, but acknowledge his fears and issues of self-worth. And above all, make sure you back it up with actions.

I, personally, like LadyLuck's response, but hey ;).

Post deleted by nicky

Wow. You all are helping me out here!

Ok, well, once I did make him a list of "100 Things I Love about You" and I spent a great deal of thought and detail on it. I gave it to him in his bday card over a yr ago.

I do believe we are soulmates, that somehow he was brought to me from across the world (he's from Europe) and God put us together as a match. I am a very compassionate/patient person, he has been abused. I think we are good for each other.

I'm so sad about all of it, his not being able to believe he's worth anyone's love. I'm just so sick about it and sorry for him and all survivors. It makes me furious AND heartsick.