Bryan and Mike,

In the midst of all our current troubles it's so cool to read a thread like this and be reminded of why we are here. Seeing your courage and candor as you support Tim and help him ease his way into our community reminds me of the strength and value that lies within us all.

Much love,
Larry

Bryan,



Man, can I ever relate to this, even though those who abused me were men. As soon as I began to put it all together and realize that what had happened to me was abuse, one of the first results was that I lost all desire for sexual intimacy. It's rough when you figure out that your fundamental idea about sex is that it's what you got from adults because you were bad.

I can also relate to the confusion you felt when it stopped. When the abuse ended for me it was because my Scoutmaster walked in on us. I remember being hysterical, clinging to him, trying to tell him everything and hoping he wouldn't hate me. He held me close, trying to calm me down, and I realized for the first time in years what it felt like to be safe. But that didn't last. I had learned the false lesson that sex was all I was good for, so when the abuser disappeared I felt abandoned, unwanted and unlovable.

On the physical side of things I think what we absolutely have to remember here, Bryan, is that even as boys we were all sexual beings. That's part of our physical makeup. We can all remember getting turned on for no apparent reason when we were boys, usually 10 seconds before it's time to stand up and walk to another class. If a boy's body is sexually stimulated he will respond, even if he doesn't understand or want what's happening to him. And as his feelings of self-worth erode away, it becomes easier and easier to think, "Okay, at least I'm going to get off."

Here, as in ever other aspect of healing, our task is to face how we feel and "own" our emotions. By doing this, an with the right help, we can identify the false lessons we learned and eventually get them out of our head.

Much love,
Larry

Thanks for the frank posts guys,this is certainly the first time that I have talked about the problems I have. It's really reassuring(sorry guys)to know that I am not the only one out there. As I said before it is a real taboo subject, and has been for a long time. But the truth is finally coming out.

Bryan, you asked if there is any emotional connection between my sister and i, there used to be. I always felt that I was closer to my sister than my other sister. Who subsequently I have a very close relationship with now. I think in a way I have been lucky in that I can see what a manipulative, self centred person she is, unfortunately this realisation has come about 20 years too late. I have been really lucky in that I have had a very good therapist, who despite having finished his obligations to me continues to make himself available whenever I may need him free of charge. I also have access to an excellent psychologist who is very good at making me more comfortable about talking. Yet, I still have not been able to address the issues I mentioned in my first post.

When I first disclosed to my family what had happened my mother asked if I would mind her confronting the sister, believe me I wouldn't want to be confronted by my mother who has now had two strokes and still scares the bejesus out of me, anyway, I finally got the confirmation I needed that it did happen. She did tell my mother however that we had agreed to tell everyone about it together.

Even though the sexual abuse stopped she continued to exert little bits of pressure. Teling lies, making promises she never intended to keep.

It is all very confusing, yet sometimes I wonder how it could go on for so long.

Thank you guys, your feedback and support are very much appreciated. Now I must, with your help, discover my own path to happiness and good mental health.

Regards,


Tim

Sorry guys, posted the same message twice

not to get off the subject-------------larry your last post means a lot to me---------------------when my brother stopped abusing me-------------i had those feelings-lost abandoned -----------unloved----------------i still do----------steve

Tim,

I can relate strongly to your last post.

Did you receive any emotional support from anyone besides the sister who abused you?

When I was a child, the only person I was emotionally close to was my mother, and the most difficult part of this whole recovery process was the day I realized that what she did to me (not for me) was not out of love. I came to realize that my mother did not emotionally support me. She expected me to emotionally support her. This is called "surrogate spousal abuse", and I can totally see how this abuse can happen between a child and an older sibling as well.

Another thing to keep in mind was that my mother's self-centered personality actually served to turn me against everyone else in my life with whom I should have been emotionally close. This was part of the "grooming", the isolation, and the manipulation.

Oddly enough, until about 3-4 months ago, the only person in my life I was ever emotionally close to was my mother. Now, I have developed an emotional relationship with others including my aunt and my sister. You want to know what, though? It's not too late, as you had alluded in your last post.

Bryan

Larry,

When you say that even as boys we were sexual beings, boy did I hate myself for that. It always seems like I subconsciously knew when the teacher was about to call on me to go to the blackboard or when the bell to signify the end of class was going to ring, and these were all things that contributed heaviy to the destruction of my self-esteem that was pretty much non-existant for a good 20 years of my life.

One of the things I talked with my therapist about on Wednesday was how I had gotten such an early introduction to sex without knowing truly what it was until much later in life. I remember being in 6th grade when the first actual physiological discussion about sex happened in class, and I kept thinking "that can't happen to me". And then when it did start happening, I thought something was wrong with me.

My adolescent years were extremely screwed up (about age 13 to age 20), and I really haven't been able to face them yet. I'm going to have to soon, and that scares me.

Bryan

The arousal, and well, the ejaculation from my R**e has been the bane of my existance. Feel so betrayed by myself sometimes. Keep asking myself who the hell was this guy. He got off. He got off from violence and fear and the loss of control. How could this have happened. I look back now and feel the pain and the fear that I went through yet I still ejaculated. Who the hell gets off from that. Isn't it supposed to be about love and connection and mutuality ( is that a word)

Now when I think about a partner, all that goes through my head is who the fuck would ever have love for a guy who gets off on that shit. Just feel like a lost soul sometimes.

Most of my fantasies revolve around the loss of control, hard to finish any other way, actually pretty much impossible (talk about frustration) Need to take my consent out of the picture.

Sorry guys, I know, hard shit. After 16 years I've really become pretty desperate, I'm willing to push aside the fear in the hope that I can find some answers before I get so old no one will find me attractive anymore. I certainly don't expect you to go past what feels comfortable, more just getting it out than anything. I Agree with Tim, really does feel good to have some understanding (sorry guys, as well). Even if you just say "yup" it means the world.

Loving Ya
Stay strong
Mike

I think I know how that feels, Mike. The fact that I got an erection at such a young age as a result of my mother's attention makes me feel like I was the one who was seeking the attention. The fact is, I probably was seeking the attention, but since she was the adult, she should have known better.

Listening to you guys talk about your experiences in a way is really hard. Not because it is triggering memories, but because you have a much better grasp of what happened than i do. I have spent so long trying to forget what happened that I only recall some vivid memories. Smells and touch are things that trigger for me. My biggest problem is that I know intellectually what she did was wrong. And I can distinguish what her behaviours are/were. But deep down I am still struggling to deal with it.

Any thoughts?

Thanks for the support,

Tim