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#185506 - 10/07/07 04:33 PM to mom
nicky Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 261
somthing is always expected of me
i wish i could disappear into the sea
and i cant be as smart as anyone else
ive failed the test and im shouting for help
i hold my pencil in my hand
and on the paper writing it demands
its the perfect treatment
it helps me feel completement
my eternal stinging pain is the only thing i can control
my mouth breaking open to live out my role
i cant explain how much ive been hurt or whats been done to me in words
can you see it in my actions
can you take apart the fractions
how could you take my deepest pain
and use it as a punchline for only your gain
i feel so sick inside in confused inside my head
does it bother you that i stay up worried tossing and turning in my bed
ill just go now right - ive earned the upper hand
nows my time to glow
ive tried my hardest to fit the standards
suicide has crossed my mind im starting to meander
freinds say to stop it but sometimes i feel so ill
almost rabid
so i try to tell how i feel
maybe you can see throgh the shiny wrap and seal
ive broke down and cried hoping you would take my hand
and tell me that its ok to fail
my lifestyles are changing all the time
everything starts moving and rearranging
remove my heart, just take and grab
make it yours for you to stab
it must make you happy to make it bleed
does it bring you peace while i feel agony
whats the last option.. are you hoping for me
to grow up and live my life without this misery
seems like ive lost it
im going downhill
your intentions were wrong.. but do you feel any guilt
how can watch your own son in such pain
deny and deny and make me less than a man
i made the mistake i admit everything
i guess i was the one who caused myself so much pain
i wish that i could be the son in which you take such pride
i dont know how to do that but please know that ive tried
i guess im just not what you want me to be
and what i am mom.. is what youve helped to make me..

_________________________
i like the rain cause no one knows im crying

a strong man is one who is able to control himself when he is angry
what is your definiton of control?

i lay awake another hour
just like the one before
the shadows play a game with my head
i can't take this anymore

http://youtube.com/watch?v=x4EOw8wPBN8




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#185833 - 10/09/07 09:38 AM Re: to mom [Re: nicky]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Nicky,

It's rough when a son feels he's a disappointment even to his own Mom. As boys we somehow expect our mothers to be there for us and always protect us and help us. When that doesn't happen it really hurts, no doubt about it - and that hurt stays even when we're older.

But the reality is that it was never up to us to "earn" approval. We deserved that from the start, regardless of what we did or didn't do or achieve. A mother who doesn't or can't act on that basis is just being manipulative and cruel.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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