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#185246 - 10/06/07 04:47 PM Is he better off without me?
thewife Offline

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
Ok, I want to do the RIGHT thing. THe right thing for him, for me, for our kids. He was assaulted, ok, I get it. But, can a grown man, 30+ yrs old, be r*ped by a 20 yr old GIRL? Really? Taken to a bad place, yes. Seduced, yes. But r*ped?

So that's where we are. I don't trust him. Bottom line. He is destroyed. Cries every day. We have both wished to be dead, although neither of us would follow through (I hope).

There is SO little information about adult male abuse, I find it SO hard to believe (I'm sorry for hurting anyone's feelings). How could he "check out" and have this happen? How could he bring this home to our family after everything we've already been through? Ugh. Now, there are private investigators, laywers, you name it.

I don't trust him. I think that he believes the story he is telling me, and perception is reality. But, *her* perception is that they had consensual sex, otherwise she wouldn't be SUEING him.

So, given that I don't understand/beieve him, and it's destroying both of us, are we better off apart?

#185273 - 10/06/07 05:31 PM Re: Is he better off without me? [Re: thewife]
thewife Offline

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
Ok, help me out here people. I'm halfway through a bottle of Cab/Sav, and pretty soon I won't be able to leave even if I want to. Anything you say is help, even if it's just that you read my post and have nothing to say...

By the by, she called him yesterday, SHe is sueing is, or whatever. He called her back with the PI on the phone and they discussed how much money it would take for her to dissapear. I heard the tape, They talked about it like they were talking about a used car. "I don't know, what do you think is fair. " "I don't know, what do you think."


#185293 - 10/06/07 06:30 PM Re: Is he better off without me? [Re: thewife]
mmac Offline

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
I am so sorry for your pain and for his as well.please allow your self a moment to breathe. do this for a few minutes, until you can calm down.
Then ask yourself.....what do i want? really really want? the first voice you'll hear inside is your own self. Listen to this voice. Pray, this will help you rec'. Gods love and message for you.

I wish you peace...

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

#185298 - 10/06/07 06:46 PM Re: Is he better off without me? [Re: mmac]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey wife, All I can tell you is I could to relate to some of what he's saying. I could never tell you what the truth really is obviously. But as you said perception IS reality, and that reality will not be easy.

No wife, you're life is not a used car. Not even close.

Sorry, I wish you peace

Stay strong


#185394 - 10/07/07 05:24 AM Re: Is he better off without me? [Re: mogigo]
sweet-n-sour Offline

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear thewife:

You are living in a nightmare. Really. The woman you have hounding you is a thief! She stole something very precious along with everything else, your husband's spirit. Are you going to allow her to get away with it?
I really feel for you and I'm sending you support. I'm sure you wish you could just awaken and be through with this but that's not the reality I'm afraid. Coming here and laying out how difficult this mess seems to be is a healthy thing to do! WE are all here for you and we understand.
What was your life like before this happened to your husband? It was a gift, every moment of it, yes? PLEASE don't let her get away with this crime. Although it is difficult for you to believe and accept, your husband needs you right now. Try to focus on how it was before and BELIEVE you can get there again in your relationship. Sometimes it all has to hit rock bottom before we can climb up the tree to see a better landscape.
Keep your chin up and hang in there!

Edited by sweet-n-sour (10/07/07 05:25 AM)
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

#185418 - 10/07/07 09:14 AM Re: Is he better off without me? [Re: sweet-n-sour]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I feel so terrible for your situation, but one good thing I see is that you are being honest about your feelings. I think that's crucial. There's just nothing to be gained by going for what you think you should be feeling; what's really inside is what counts.

Beyond that, I hope you will use this to work towards being strong for yourself first and foremost. This may sound selfish, but it isn't. If you feel you need to "be there" for him regardless of what he does, that may sound good at first glance, but in the longer term you would discover that it basically means you don't count in the relationship. If you don't speak out and insist on your boundaries, how is he to know where he stands? You would more or less be saying that anything goes.

As a survivor I can tell you that it helped me enormously when my wife stood her ground and "called me on my shit", as one guy here puts it. She didn't give me ultimatums; that would have caused me to just fall apart in anticipation of failure. But she let me know that my general dysfunction was NOT okay and she could not commit to me indefinitely if what I had on offer was more or less comprehensive emotional collapse on and on into the foggy future. She let me know she understood and loved me, but she still needed to see me making a real effort. That challenged me and gave me something to aim for - a goal to live up to.

So I guess the main thing to see here is that by insisting on being strong for yourself, you are also being strong for him at the same time.

I can't offer you ideas on specifics; I think that's something you have to look deep inside for and decide for yourself. But I can tell you something that helped my wife and me a lot. We sat down one day to talk things over, and I guess both of us had our lists of "You did ..." items. But somehow I got the idea at the last minute - I have no idea from where - that bickering over lists of complaints and grievances was just wasn't going to go anywhere; it would just frustrate and exhaust us. So I proposed that instead we should talk about the good things we still have, look them over, and decide if that was enough to serve as a basis for repairing the rest. That changed the whole character of the conversation and made it something positive; we were confirming and validating what we had both contributed to the relationship, and that gave us an entirely different foundation for looking at our problems, serious though those problems were.

Just some thoughts, I know. I wish you both all the very best.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#185461 - 10/07/07 12:02 PM Re: Is he better off without me? [Re: roadrunner]
honey girl Offline

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear thewife,

I apologize in advance if some of what I say will sound harsh.
But I am struck by how much resistance you have to believing that your husband was raped.
Why is it so difficult for you to believe?
What would it mean for you to accept his word?

Do you honestly think that he would have chosen this route?
You might have walked out if he were deliberately unfaithful, perhaps. But what on earth would he stand to gain by insisting on the truth of the experience for him? Your life seems like a disaster at the moment: you think he would go to such lengths to avoid telling you that he *wanted* to have sex with this woman?

I get the impression that you are really angry at him for not being the perfect, invulnerable man. He's a human being. Not a machine, not a superhero. Someone who can be hurt, and trapped, and betrayed. But are you also afraid? Afraid that he won't ever be the kind of man you wanted him to be? What are you willing to accept about him and your life now?

When people are victims of crime, it can turn their lives, and the lives of people close to them, completely upside down. Nothing is the same again. Ever. This is true whether it's a sexual assault or a robbery; on top of the physical trauma, there is the psychological injury. You realize that it is possible for "bad things to happen to good people," and it can shake your sense of self to the very core. These effects ripple outward, as you have discovered. If nothing else, it makes the victim/survivor and his/her nearest and dearest feel incredibly powerless: If I couldn't prevent that, what else can't I prevent? It is a horrible feeling, to be sure, to feel like you have no real control over your life. Isn't that what's really got you down the most right now?

I can appreciate your need to vent--lots of people come here to do that (including me, many times). I can appreciate your doubts--that's a fact of life for many of us, too. I do encourage you to think, though, not just feel. Take care of yourself (good sleep, exercise, nutrition, etc.) so that you can be calm and clear-thinking. Look back at the full range of your posts, to see what you've said before about all of this. (I hope that you're getting some individual therapy yourself to help you maintain your balance in all of this, by the way.) Some variation in your mood is to be expected.

But which way makes more sense in the end? You're the only one who can make the eventual decision to stay or go, for you. But leaving seems like the most dramatic way for you to claim some control over your life again--not necessarily the most effective thing to do in the long run, for you or for your kids. What else can you do to regain the sense that you are not helpless?

I wish you both some calm and rest in the middle of all this upheaval. It is truly an enormous, and unfair, challenge you are facing right now. Please believe that you have the strength to get through it.


I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

#185727 - 10/08/07 07:56 PM Re: Is he better off without me? [Re: honey girl]
thewife Offline

Registered: 07/16/07
Posts: 40
Many thanks to everyone who responded. Honey girl, your response was especially thought provoking.

Saturday night was bad, really bad and we involved our kids. It scared both of us so much that we decided to really sit down and decide, once and for all, which way this was going to go. This entire sitaution is awful, in fact, it's the worst experience I've ever had, which is saying a lot (our son had cancer). However, as bad as this is, this man that I am married to is my soul mate, my forever love, and I know that a divorce from him would be even more painful than this.

So, she r*ped him. He knows it, I trust that he is telling the truth. You see, in my mind, it was so much easier to believe that he "gave in," than to think that there are people so devious and downright evil in the world, and that he didn't protect himself and our family from that kind of evil. That he *couldn't* protect himself or us. (Honey girl, you hit the nail on the head, I think - I expected that he was invincible, and invunerable, as he seemed to be when our son was at his sickest, and I was at my worst.) It never occured to me that there are people out there who do this kind of thing, let alone women, let alone young women. But, sadly, there are.

I know that every day that I spend thinking about the past is another day I never get back. If I learned one thing from my son's illness it's that we aren't promised time.

So, we recommitted to our life together, to our kids, and to our future. The past is the past, and has forever changed us. But her entire goal (I think) was to have some kind of power over my husband. As long as I hang on to this, she still has the power. I AM NOT GIVING HER ANYTHING ELSE. She took something from my husband that he will never get back, but the bottom line is that she took it, he didn't give it to her. He gives himself to me. Game over, I win.

#185729 - 10/08/07 07:58 PM Re: Is he better off without me? [Re: thewife]
MarkK Offline

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO

#185737 - 10/08/07 08:29 PM Re: Is he better off without me? [Re: MarkK]
testingWaters Offline

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
I am really trying on this one. And what I have to say is very blunt. You need to trust your intuition. And this is going to take *time*

Part of your intuition is serious outrage at him. Part of it is sympathy for him. Wherever you wind up, please take your time and let it resolve itself. Please do not force resolution.

Remember -- what you *really* want is to know the truth of the situation. And I bet you want to know it no matter how painful it is.

As Larry said, being committed to being strong, and I would add, to just wanting to know the truth as it really is, you are doing the best thing for every single party involved. That is the most loyal thing you can do.

Regardless, I am so sorry for all of this. I hope it gets a little easier for you. Love. TW

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