Newest Members
RodrigoBR, MJ545, Marant, BeingFound, journey4two
12332 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
cricket453 (60)
Who's Online
4 registered (finallyhere, OKIE MIKE, 2 invisible), 27 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12332 Members
74 Forums
63412 Topics
443343 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#185097 - 10/06/07 07:24 AM Any help is welcome
thesquirrel Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/02/07
Posts: 8
Loc: New Zealand
Hi,

I don't know how to talk about this sort of stuff very well. My abuser was a female. I was wanting to start a discussion about the affects abuse has on intimacy. I have a partner I love dearly and she knows some of what has happened to me. Any thoughts would be really appreciated.

Cheers


Top
#185100 - 10/06/07 07:35 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: thesquirrel]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Squirrel,

As I mentioned to you in my response to your PM, you aren't alone in this problem. There are a number of other guys here who have also been abused by women, and I bet they have had the same difficulties you are talking about. It will be good for all of you to talk about this and I'm glad you raised this subject.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#185101 - 10/06/07 07:36 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: thesquirrel]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Hi, squirrel.

My abuser was my mother, so I can relate to having a female abuser. It's kind of hard to really talk about what my abuse has had on intimacy for me, though, because I'm not really capable of being intimate at this point in my life. I dissociate (zone out) when in sexual situations, and I THINK I've been taken advantage of by other women in my life because of this (I couldn't say for sure...I have no memory of these experiences).

It's a tough subject for me, one that I really haven't fully explored yet.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#185102 - 10/06/07 07:50 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: BJK]
thesquirrel Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/02/07
Posts: 8
Loc: New Zealand
Thanks Larry and Bryan,

My problems start with the fact that my 'abuser' was an older sibling. She is about six years older than me. To this day she is a very manipulating and self centred person, and to be honest sometimes I find it hard to call it abuse, because the situation seems so strange to me.

For about 6 years there was ongoing sexual contact and of course the whole situation was surrounded in secrecy. When I turned 13 I think, the whole thing just stopped. She stopped the sexual encounters and never spoke of it again. I felt like I had done something wrong. Then I wondered if it had actually happened at all. I started to think my imagination was playing some serious games with me.

Anyway, onto my problems. I have had perhaps 6 girlfriends in the last 5 years, and most of those reationships have ended abruptly when things got a little too close emotionally.

During sex I get very nervous, quite often finishing much ealrier than I would like and sooner than I believe is normal. Sex doesn't seem to be an experience of pleasure, more one of obligation. I find I ejaculate without reaching orgasm, and need to clean myself after, especially my hands as the smell on them brings back some memories.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

Cheers,

Tim






Edited by thesquirrel (10/06/07 07:51 AM)

Top
#185104 - 10/06/07 07:58 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: thesquirrel]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Tim,

I don't have time right now to compose a good enough response to your last post, as I have to get ready for work right now. Just know that I'll be back later because I can relate to some of what you posted.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#185105 - 10/06/07 08:00 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: BJK]
thesquirrel Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/02/07
Posts: 8
Loc: New Zealand
Bryan,

Thanks, it is 1 am here. I probably should be asleep anyway. I appreciate your responses.

Thanks,

Tim


Top
#185202 - 10/06/07 01:30 PM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: thesquirrel]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Hmm...so does that make you six hours off from my time? or 18 hours off? \:\)

I've told much of my story here on these boards, but my posts are quickly accumulating. It's probably good to give a warning that what I'm about to write might be triggering.

Abuse perpetrators tend to be close friends and family members, believe it or not. In fact, this is the case a vast majority of the time. When I started this whole healing process, I was confused by the fact that there wasnít much literature out there about women who abuse boys. The fact is, my mother is an extremely messed up person who is not capable of feeling emotion. She had me fooled until just a few months ago that what she did to me was out of love and not out of some perverse desire to feel loved.

My abuse likely started on the day I was born. The actual sexual contact regularly happened until I was about 8 years old. There was one other incident of actual sexual contact at age 11 or 12, and then what is known as covert sexual abuse started at age 13.

I can think of several reasons why your sister stopped abusing you at that age, but what really matters here is how the abuse affected you and how the fact that it stopped affected you. Maybe you can make some parallels here, maybe not. What I have found on this site is that all of our stories are unique, and all of them are equally important. However, I find similarities in all of our experiences.

I havenít fully come to terms with how the actual abuse affected me, though I have made great strides in realizing how the stoppage of the abuse at age 11 or 12 affected me. The largest problem that Iíve had to come to terms with is the fact that I enjoyed the sexual abuse and the pleasure that I received from it as a boy. When this stopped, I was extremely confused. My young mind started to rationalize all kinds of different ways that this might happen, and some of the external stimuli I was getting led me to believe that I wasnít worthy of such attention once I started to become a man. I believe that is part of the reason why I have trouble with being intimate. I will even go so far as to say it is a large part of the reason why I have never really desired intimacy.
Of course, having to come to terms with the fact that I enjoyed the abuse also played a large role in accepting the blame for it. Hell, I didnít even know it was abuse until just a few months ago. I thought that was what mothers did to their sons to show them love.

I was also physically abused by my older sister because it was the only way she knew how to show me love.

Was there any kind of emotional connection between you and your sister? Is there still? Did you receive any kind of emotional support from anyone else either inside or outside of the home?

You never have to tell anyone the answer to a question you feel uncomfortable with, but answering these questions to yourself can oftentimes be a large part of the healing process.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#185218 - 10/06/07 02:48 PM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: BJK]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey Tim, My perp was also a female (a friend's Mother) I've had major issues with intimacy myself, actually I haven't had a partner in 16 years because of those fears so I don't really have alot of experience. When I did have a partner "oh so long ago" it was battle with myself everytime. I'd usually get really drunk and pretty much check out for the duration. It always felt like something was being done to me rather than a shared experience. I did it so I could try and feel normal rather than any desire for intimacy.

Spent most of my life feeling like my only worth was that of an object to be used by women. Felt like they could care less what I wanted. Like with Bryan I've been subjected to more abuse because of this, maybe not actual assaults but definately harrasment. I actually woke up one night when a roommate's friend decided she was going to come into my room and have sex with me. Maybe a fantasy for some but an absolute nightmare for me.

I have a huge desire for a partner, sex I could live without but being alone really is unbarable at this point. I'm trying to work on everything right now so eventually I might be able to be a good partner. Right now I just don't think it would be fair to a potential partner so I'll just keep trying to get there.

I've also found a lack of info on the subject, very cursary at best, but I'd be more than willing to delve into this subject with others, Bryan, you. I think it might be stilted at first because of the lack of info and I really am pretty confused about it myself, but it would be nice to have a dialog going.

PM me or even here or in another section would be fine with me

Stay strong guys
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

Top
#185236 - 10/06/07 04:03 PM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: mogigo]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Mike,

Thanks for your reply. For now, I'd like to keep the discussion here because this seems exactly like the kind of thing that Tim was looking for. Of course, either of you can pm me any time. No worries there.

I can relate to a lot of what you said, Mike. I've had three sexual encounters in my entire life with women (besides my mother), and they have all been quite uncomfortable. I dissociated all three of them, so I have virtually no memory about what happened. I'm not sure how ready I am to delve into these experiences. I dissociate heavily just thinking about them....especially the third instance that happened in my own bed and pretty much ended the only really serious relationship I've ever been involved in (ten years ago).

The one area I find we differ, but I think it's for the same reason, is that you felt like you were an object to be used by women. There was some extremely heavy emotional abuse that accompanied the sexual abuse I endured. The result of that is that I thought a man's only purpose in life was to sexually exploit women. This was brought on by allegations of rape by my mother against my father while they were going through their divorce.

I have the desire to be emotionally close to a woman, but like you, I can certainly live without the sex.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#185249 - 10/06/07 04:57 PM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: BJK]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey Brian, Tim. Not a problem at all keeping it here.

I can remember it starting and I can remember it ending but the act itself is mostly lost somewhere in my head, like a dream. Disassociated many times, I remember being snapped out of it by being slapped in my face once. She thought I fell asleep but really I had just gone into my own world. I have no memory what so ever of anything before those slaps. Obviously wasn't good being snapped out of it with violence.

I relate alot to you Bryan with your Mother. There was never any sexual abuse but she used to make me strip naked before she'd take the belt to me. I'm sure my fear of the naked form has alot to do with that. Also alot of sexuality abuse, it became clear that she was unhappy that I was a boy and not a girl. She already had her boy and the perfect family to her was a boy and a girl, not 2 boys. She beat the man out of me.

Alot of confusion about whether I'm really a man or not

Thanks Brian, means alot.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.