Hmm...so does that make you six hours off from my time? or 18 hours off?
I've told much of my story here on these boards, but my posts are quickly accumulating. It's probably good to give a warning that what I'm about to write might be triggering.
Abuse perpetrators tend to be close friends and family members, believe it or not. In fact, this is the case a vast majority of the time. When I started this whole healing process, I was confused by the fact that there wasnít much literature out there about women who abuse boys. The fact is, my mother is an extremely messed up person who is not capable of feeling emotion. She had me fooled until just a few months ago that what she did to me was out of love and not out of some perverse desire to feel loved.
My abuse likely started on the day I was born. The actual sexual contact regularly happened until I was about 8 years old. There was one other incident of actual sexual contact at age 11 or 12, and then what is known as covert sexual abuse started at age 13.
I can think of several reasons why your sister stopped abusing you at that age, but what really matters here is how the abuse affected you and how the fact that it stopped affected you. Maybe you can make some parallels here, maybe not. What I have found on this site is that all of our stories are unique, and all of them are equally important. However, I find similarities in all of our experiences.
I havenít fully come to terms with how the actual abuse affected me, though I have made great strides in realizing how the stoppage of the abuse at age 11 or 12 affected me. The largest problem that Iíve had to come to terms with is the fact that I enjoyed the sexual abuse and the pleasure that I received from it as a boy. When this stopped, I was extremely confused. My young mind started to rationalize all kinds of different ways that this might happen, and some of the external stimuli I was getting led me to believe that I wasnít worthy of such attention once I started to become a man. I believe that is part of the reason why I have trouble with being intimate. I will even go so far as to say it is a large part of the reason why I have never really desired intimacy.
Of course, having to come to terms with the fact that I enjoyed the abuse also played a large role in accepting the blame for it. Hell, I didnít even know it was abuse until just a few months ago. I thought that was what mothers did to their sons to show them love.
I was also physically abused by my older sister because it was the only way she knew how to show me love.
Was there any kind of emotional connection between you and your sister? Is there still? Did you receive any kind of emotional support from anyone else either inside or outside of the home?
You never have to tell anyone the answer to a question you feel uncomfortable with, but answering these questions to yourself can oftentimes be a large part of the healing process.