Newest Members
Green_Lantern, Safe11ride, WillWins, neophiliac, Jerone
12118 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
archie chisholm (61), Carlos418 (37), courtney (52), kurotake (55), lostsoul (63), Lukesgirl (28), michael banks (2014), Steffon (42)
Who's Online
5 registered (Cthulhu, nltsaved, blockade, 2 invisible), 85 Guests and 9 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12118 Members
73 Forums
62513 Topics
438098 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#185097 - 10/06/07 07:24 AM Any help is welcome
thesquirrel Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/02/07
Posts: 8
Loc: New Zealand
Hi,

I don't know how to talk about this sort of stuff very well. My abuser was a female. I was wanting to start a discussion about the affects abuse has on intimacy. I have a partner I love dearly and she knows some of what has happened to me. Any thoughts would be really appreciated.

Cheers


Top
#185100 - 10/06/07 07:35 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: thesquirrel]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Squirrel,

As I mentioned to you in my response to your PM, you aren't alone in this problem. There are a number of other guys here who have also been abused by women, and I bet they have had the same difficulties you are talking about. It will be good for all of you to talk about this and I'm glad you raised this subject.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#185101 - 10/06/07 07:36 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: thesquirrel]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Hi, squirrel.

My abuser was my mother, so I can relate to having a female abuser. It's kind of hard to really talk about what my abuse has had on intimacy for me, though, because I'm not really capable of being intimate at this point in my life. I dissociate (zone out) when in sexual situations, and I THINK I've been taken advantage of by other women in my life because of this (I couldn't say for sure...I have no memory of these experiences).

It's a tough subject for me, one that I really haven't fully explored yet.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#185102 - 10/06/07 07:50 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: BJK]
thesquirrel Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/02/07
Posts: 8
Loc: New Zealand
Thanks Larry and Bryan,

My problems start with the fact that my 'abuser' was an older sibling. She is about six years older than me. To this day she is a very manipulating and self centred person, and to be honest sometimes I find it hard to call it abuse, because the situation seems so strange to me.

For about 6 years there was ongoing sexual contact and of course the whole situation was surrounded in secrecy. When I turned 13 I think, the whole thing just stopped. She stopped the sexual encounters and never spoke of it again. I felt like I had done something wrong. Then I wondered if it had actually happened at all. I started to think my imagination was playing some serious games with me.

Anyway, onto my problems. I have had perhaps 6 girlfriends in the last 5 years, and most of those reationships have ended abruptly when things got a little too close emotionally.

During sex I get very nervous, quite often finishing much ealrier than I would like and sooner than I believe is normal. Sex doesn't seem to be an experience of pleasure, more one of obligation. I find I ejaculate without reaching orgasm, and need to clean myself after, especially my hands as the smell on them brings back some memories.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

Cheers,

Tim






Edited by thesquirrel (10/06/07 07:51 AM)

Top
#185104 - 10/06/07 07:58 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: thesquirrel]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Tim,

I don't have time right now to compose a good enough response to your last post, as I have to get ready for work right now. Just know that I'll be back later because I can relate to some of what you posted.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#185105 - 10/06/07 08:00 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: BJK]
thesquirrel Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/02/07
Posts: 8
Loc: New Zealand
Bryan,

Thanks, it is 1 am here. I probably should be asleep anyway. I appreciate your responses.

Thanks,

Tim


Top
#185202 - 10/06/07 01:30 PM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: thesquirrel]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Hmm...so does that make you six hours off from my time? or 18 hours off? \:\)

I've told much of my story here on these boards, but my posts are quickly accumulating. It's probably good to give a warning that what I'm about to write might be triggering.

Abuse perpetrators tend to be close friends and family members, believe it or not. In fact, this is the case a vast majority of the time. When I started this whole healing process, I was confused by the fact that there wasnít much literature out there about women who abuse boys. The fact is, my mother is an extremely messed up person who is not capable of feeling emotion. She had me fooled until just a few months ago that what she did to me was out of love and not out of some perverse desire to feel loved.

My abuse likely started on the day I was born. The actual sexual contact regularly happened until I was about 8 years old. There was one other incident of actual sexual contact at age 11 or 12, and then what is known as covert sexual abuse started at age 13.

I can think of several reasons why your sister stopped abusing you at that age, but what really matters here is how the abuse affected you and how the fact that it stopped affected you. Maybe you can make some parallels here, maybe not. What I have found on this site is that all of our stories are unique, and all of them are equally important. However, I find similarities in all of our experiences.

I havenít fully come to terms with how the actual abuse affected me, though I have made great strides in realizing how the stoppage of the abuse at age 11 or 12 affected me. The largest problem that Iíve had to come to terms with is the fact that I enjoyed the sexual abuse and the pleasure that I received from it as a boy. When this stopped, I was extremely confused. My young mind started to rationalize all kinds of different ways that this might happen, and some of the external stimuli I was getting led me to believe that I wasnít worthy of such attention once I started to become a man. I believe that is part of the reason why I have trouble with being intimate. I will even go so far as to say it is a large part of the reason why I have never really desired intimacy.
Of course, having to come to terms with the fact that I enjoyed the abuse also played a large role in accepting the blame for it. Hell, I didnít even know it was abuse until just a few months ago. I thought that was what mothers did to their sons to show them love.

I was also physically abused by my older sister because it was the only way she knew how to show me love.

Was there any kind of emotional connection between you and your sister? Is there still? Did you receive any kind of emotional support from anyone else either inside or outside of the home?

You never have to tell anyone the answer to a question you feel uncomfortable with, but answering these questions to yourself can oftentimes be a large part of the healing process.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#185218 - 10/06/07 02:48 PM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: BJK]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey Tim, My perp was also a female (a friend's Mother) I've had major issues with intimacy myself, actually I haven't had a partner in 16 years because of those fears so I don't really have alot of experience. When I did have a partner "oh so long ago" it was battle with myself everytime. I'd usually get really drunk and pretty much check out for the duration. It always felt like something was being done to me rather than a shared experience. I did it so I could try and feel normal rather than any desire for intimacy.

Spent most of my life feeling like my only worth was that of an object to be used by women. Felt like they could care less what I wanted. Like with Bryan I've been subjected to more abuse because of this, maybe not actual assaults but definately harrasment. I actually woke up one night when a roommate's friend decided she was going to come into my room and have sex with me. Maybe a fantasy for some but an absolute nightmare for me.

I have a huge desire for a partner, sex I could live without but being alone really is unbarable at this point. I'm trying to work on everything right now so eventually I might be able to be a good partner. Right now I just don't think it would be fair to a potential partner so I'll just keep trying to get there.

I've also found a lack of info on the subject, very cursary at best, but I'd be more than willing to delve into this subject with others, Bryan, you. I think it might be stilted at first because of the lack of info and I really am pretty confused about it myself, but it would be nice to have a dialog going.

PM me or even here or in another section would be fine with me

Stay strong guys
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

Top
#185236 - 10/06/07 04:03 PM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: mogigo]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Mike,

Thanks for your reply. For now, I'd like to keep the discussion here because this seems exactly like the kind of thing that Tim was looking for. Of course, either of you can pm me any time. No worries there.

I can relate to a lot of what you said, Mike. I've had three sexual encounters in my entire life with women (besides my mother), and they have all been quite uncomfortable. I dissociated all three of them, so I have virtually no memory about what happened. I'm not sure how ready I am to delve into these experiences. I dissociate heavily just thinking about them....especially the third instance that happened in my own bed and pretty much ended the only really serious relationship I've ever been involved in (ten years ago).

The one area I find we differ, but I think it's for the same reason, is that you felt like you were an object to be used by women. There was some extremely heavy emotional abuse that accompanied the sexual abuse I endured. The result of that is that I thought a man's only purpose in life was to sexually exploit women. This was brought on by allegations of rape by my mother against my father while they were going through their divorce.

I have the desire to be emotionally close to a woman, but like you, I can certainly live without the sex.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#185249 - 10/06/07 04:57 PM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: BJK]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey Brian, Tim. Not a problem at all keeping it here.

I can remember it starting and I can remember it ending but the act itself is mostly lost somewhere in my head, like a dream. Disassociated many times, I remember being snapped out of it by being slapped in my face once. She thought I fell asleep but really I had just gone into my own world. I have no memory what so ever of anything before those slaps. Obviously wasn't good being snapped out of it with violence.

I relate alot to you Bryan with your Mother. There was never any sexual abuse but she used to make me strip naked before she'd take the belt to me. I'm sure my fear of the naked form has alot to do with that. Also alot of sexuality abuse, it became clear that she was unhappy that I was a boy and not a girl. She already had her boy and the perfect family to her was a boy and a girl, not 2 boys. She beat the man out of me.

Alot of confusion about whether I'm really a man or not

Thanks Brian, means alot.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

Top
#185395 - 10/07/07 05:34 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: mogigo]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Bryan and Mike,

In the midst of all our current troubles it's so cool to read a thread like this and be reminded of why we are here. Seeing your courage and candor as you support Tim and help him ease his way into our community reminds me of the strength and value that lies within us all.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#185398 - 10/07/07 06:02 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: roadrunner]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Bryan,

Originally Posted By: BJK
The largest problem that Iíve had to come to terms with is the fact that I enjoyed the sexual abuse and the pleasure that I received from it as a boy. When this stopped, I was extremely confused. My young mind started to rationalize all kinds of different ways that this might happen, and some of the external stimuli I was getting led me to believe that I wasnít worthy of such attention once I started to become a man. I believe that is part of the reason why I have trouble with being intimate. I will even go so far as to say it is a large part of the reason why I have never really desired intimacy.


Man, can I ever relate to this, even though those who abused me were men. As soon as I began to put it all together and realize that what had happened to me was abuse, one of the first results was that I lost all desire for sexual intimacy. It's rough when you figure out that your fundamental idea about sex is that it's what you got from adults because you were bad.

I can also relate to the confusion you felt when it stopped. When the abuse ended for me it was because my Scoutmaster walked in on us. I remember being hysterical, clinging to him, trying to tell him everything and hoping he wouldn't hate me. He held me close, trying to calm me down, and I realized for the first time in years what it felt like to be safe. But that didn't last. I had learned the false lesson that sex was all I was good for, so when the abuser disappeared I felt abandoned, unwanted and unlovable.

On the physical side of things I think what we absolutely have to remember here, Bryan, is that even as boys we were all sexual beings. That's part of our physical makeup. We can all remember getting turned on for no apparent reason when we were boys, usually 10 seconds before it's time to stand up and walk to another class. If a boy's body is sexually stimulated he will respond, even if he doesn't understand or want what's happening to him. And as his feelings of self-worth erode away, it becomes easier and easier to think, "Okay, at least I'm going to get off."

Here, as in ever other aspect of healing, our task is to face how we feel and "own" our emotions. By doing this, an with the right help, we can identify the false lessons we learned and eventually get them out of our head.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#185402 - 10/07/07 06:37 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: mogigo]
thesquirrel Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/02/07
Posts: 8
Loc: New Zealand
Thanks for the frank posts guys,this is certainly the first time that I have talked about the problems I have. It's really reassuring(sorry guys)to know that I am not the only one out there. As I said before it is a real taboo subject, and has been for a long time. But the truth is finally coming out.

Bryan, you asked if there is any emotional connection between my sister and i, there used to be. I always felt that I was closer to my sister than my other sister. Who subsequently I have a very close relationship with now. I think in a way I have been lucky in that I can see what a manipulative, self centred person she is, unfortunately this realisation has come about 20 years too late. I have been really lucky in that I have had a very good therapist, who despite having finished his obligations to me continues to make himself available whenever I may need him free of charge. I also have access to an excellent psychologist who is very good at making me more comfortable about talking. Yet, I still have not been able to address the issues I mentioned in my first post.

When I first disclosed to my family what had happened my mother asked if I would mind her confronting the sister, believe me I wouldn't want to be confronted by my mother who has now had two strokes and still scares the bejesus out of me, anyway, I finally got the confirmation I needed that it did happen. She did tell my mother however that we had agreed to tell everyone about it together.

Even though the sexual abuse stopped she continued to exert little bits of pressure. Teling lies, making promises she never intended to keep.

It is all very confusing, yet sometimes I wonder how it could go on for so long.

Thank you guys, your feedback and support are very much appreciated. Now I must, with your help, discover my own path to happiness and good mental health.

Regards,


Tim


Top
#185404 - 10/07/07 06:44 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: mogigo]
thesquirrel Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/02/07
Posts: 8
Loc: New Zealand
Sorry guys, posted the same message twice




Edited by thesquirrel (10/07/07 06:45 AM)

Top
#185405 - 10/07/07 07:25 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: thesquirrel]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
not to get off the subject-------------larry your last post means a lot to me---------------------when my brother stopped abusing me-------------i had those feelings-lost abandoned -----------unloved----------------i still do----------steve


Top
#185409 - 10/07/07 07:35 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: sabata]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Tim,

I can relate strongly to your last post.

Did you receive any emotional support from anyone besides the sister who abused you?

When I was a child, the only person I was emotionally close to was my mother, and the most difficult part of this whole recovery process was the day I realized that what she did to me (not for me) was not out of love. I came to realize that my mother did not emotionally support me. She expected me to emotionally support her. This is called "surrogate spousal abuse", and I can totally see how this abuse can happen between a child and an older sibling as well.

Another thing to keep in mind was that my mother's self-centered personality actually served to turn me against everyone else in my life with whom I should have been emotionally close. This was part of the "grooming", the isolation, and the manipulation.

Oddly enough, until about 3-4 months ago, the only person in my life I was ever emotionally close to was my mother. Now, I have developed an emotional relationship with others including my aunt and my sister. You want to know what, though? It's not too late, as you had alluded in your last post.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#185411 - 10/07/07 07:41 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: roadrunner]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Larry,

When you say that even as boys we were sexual beings, boy did I hate myself for that. It always seems like I subconsciously knew when the teacher was about to call on me to go to the blackboard or when the bell to signify the end of class was going to ring, and these were all things that contributed heaviy to the destruction of my self-esteem that was pretty much non-existant for a good 20 years of my life.

One of the things I talked with my therapist about on Wednesday was how I had gotten such an early introduction to sex without knowing truly what it was until much later in life. I remember being in 6th grade when the first actual physiological discussion about sex happened in class, and I kept thinking "that can't happen to me". And then when it did start happening, I thought something was wrong with me.

My adolescent years were extremely screwed up (about age 13 to age 20), and I really haven't been able to face them yet. I'm going to have to soon, and that scares me.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#185594 - 10/08/07 01:18 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: BJK]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
The arousal, and well, the ejaculation from my R**e has been the bane of my existance. Feel so betrayed by myself sometimes. Keep asking myself who the hell was this guy. He got off. He got off from violence and fear and the loss of control. How could this have happened. I look back now and feel the pain and the fear that I went through yet I still ejaculated. Who the hell gets off from that. Isn't it supposed to be about love and connection and mutuality ( \:\) is that a word)

Now when I think about a partner, all that goes through my head is who the fuck would ever have love for a guy who gets off on that shit. Just feel like a lost soul sometimes.

Most of my fantasies revolve around the loss of control, hard to finish any other way, actually pretty much impossible (talk about frustration) Need to take my consent out of the picture.

Sorry guys, I know, hard shit. After 16 years I've really become pretty desperate, I'm willing to push aside the fear in the hope that I can find some answers before I get so old no one will find me attractive anymore. I certainly don't expect you to go past what feels comfortable, more just getting it out than anything. I Agree with Tim, really does feel good to have some understanding (sorry guys, as well). Even if you just say "yup" it means the world.

Loving Ya
Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

Top
#185602 - 10/08/07 01:49 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: mogigo]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I think I know how that feels, Mike. The fact that I got an erection at such a young age as a result of my mother's attention makes me feel like I was the one who was seeking the attention. The fact is, I probably was seeking the attention, but since she was the adult, she should have known better.

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#185608 - 10/08/07 05:22 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: BJK]
thesquirrel Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/02/07
Posts: 8
Loc: New Zealand
Listening to you guys talk about your experiences in a way is really hard. Not because it is triggering memories, but because you have a much better grasp of what happened than i do. I have spent so long trying to forget what happened that I only recall some vivid memories. Smells and touch are things that trigger for me. My biggest problem is that I know intellectually what she did was wrong. And I can distinguish what her behaviours are/were. But deep down I am still struggling to deal with it.

Any thoughts?

Thanks for the support,

Tim


Top
#185613 - 10/08/07 08:04 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: thesquirrel]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Tim,

One thing I learned early on in the healing process, and I suspect you also understand, is that there is a large difference between knowing something intellectually and actually feeling it to be true. Even if you knew that what your sister did was wrong, that knowledge doesn't help much if you desired her attention anyway. And don't beat yourself up for the fact that you are still struggling to deal with it. I can relate very strongly to what you said in your last post. I didn't even know I was abused until I sat down one night and couldn't avoid contemplating the reasons why my life was so messed up. All I had to go on was one flashback that I had that night, and dozens of memories have come flooding back since then.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#185623 - 10/08/07 09:26 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: BJK]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey Tim, I had very much the same problems when I started out. "Knowing it intellectually" has been my standard line when talking to a therapist when it comes to the guilt I feel. I know it's not my fault but that's sure not how I feel. I went to her house, I took the drink she gave me, I put myself in the position of vulnerability. The fact is that I did go looking for attention, I wanted her to like me, I wanted her to laugh at my jokes. I thought it was really cool that she wanted to hang out with me. But I can say with certainty that what she did to me was sure as hell not what I wanted from her. I suspect it's the same for all of us.

I had not thought about it for twenty years, then my Mother passed away and everything came flooding out. Now it really is crystal clear what happened and more clear is all the effects it had on me. I'd shake around women and if I got hit on the fight or flight reaction was so strong, obviously I wasn't going to fight so it became a usual thing for me to go flying out of the bars on a regular basis. I don't know how many times my friends would ask me "what the hell happened to you last night". The worst part was I didn't really know, I'd always chalk it up to me just being an idiot, but now so many things make sense. It really is kind of a relief that I can actually make some sense of my behaviours. Not that it's any easier but at least I can work on the problem now.

It has only been a year sinse I aknowledged that my assault actually had an effect on me. I think things will become clearer for you, but I would say don't try to push it too hard, the best advice I've gotten from other survivors was to slow down, when I started I dove in full speed and really just ended tying myself up in knots trying to figure everything out over night. Take one thing at a time instead of looking at the whole picture all at once. You've already done the hardest thing and asked for help, and this is a great place to find that.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

Top
#185624 - 10/08/07 09:29 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: mogigo]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
One thing I don't do anymore is try to be funny. Felt like maybe that was one of the reasons it happened. Kind of shit.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

Top
#185626 - 10/08/07 09:41 AM Re: Any help is welcome *DELETED* [Re: mogigo]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Post deleted by ttoon



Edited by ttoon (10/08/07 12:57 PM)
_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

Top
#185926 - 10/09/07 04:41 PM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: ttoon]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey, thanks Dave. Of course you can jump on in, wouldn't have any other way \:\)

Love the line, "I couldn't stop myself from bleeding", it's pretty hard to put it in that perspective but I think that's a really good point.

Definately hard to feel anything, something I'm really trying to work on. It's almost like it's seperate from myself, that I need to isolate that part from the rest of my body, then I can feel it as someone else instead of it really being me. Wow eh, it's so ugly sometimes to think about it. I look forward to the day when the rest of myself is allowed to feel it.

Thanks

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

Top
#185929 - 10/09/07 04:46 PM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: thesquirrel]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
I went on Joe Kort's web site and did some reading. If you go to articles, there is an article specifically on men abused by women. Click on the link and scroll down the page.

http://www.joekort.com/articles.htm

Peace and I hope it helps you a little.



Edited by kellygtx (10/09/07 04:47 PM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

Top
#185937 - 10/09/07 05:07 PM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: kellygtx]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I think harder than anything was the insult to my maleness when she was finished with me. She called me a "poof" with a look of disgust on her face, it echoed in my head forever.

I guess thank god poof is a word not used too much. Don't know how I'd react if I heard it.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

Top
#186113 - 10/10/07 07:16 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: mogigo]
thesquirrel Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/02/07
Posts: 8
Loc: New Zealand
Hi Kelly,

Thanks for the article, I will read it with interest.

Mike, it has always seemed to me that the only way some people can maintain control over their victims is to degrade them to a evel that they rely on that degradation for recognition. I suppose thats just another aspect of the abuse. For me the ongoing reminder is that I have also lent the same person money and been taken advantage of. And I was continually taken advantage of after the abuse stopped. This amongst many other things has led me to avoid my sister wo I should in reality be close with.

I hope your path to happiness and understanding is successful. I am just starting mine. Already with the help of them many good people here I am making progress.

Thank you.

Tim




Edited by thesquirrel (10/10/07 07:17 AM)

Top
#186131 - 10/10/07 08:30 AM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: thesquirrel]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
*****triggers*****

Guys,

On the question of a boy's physical response to stimulation by the abuser I want to share something with you. It kind of sums up my route through this one, and it comes from a very long survivor story I worked on in therapy over a period of about 6 months in 2005-2006.

What I did was write down everything I could remember about what happened and how I felt back when I was a boy. Then when other things came to mind I wrote that down too and kept trying to revise and put things in order. That was one part.

But throughout the story I added separate paragraphs in a different type size, indented, and bearing the heading "What Have I learned?" This past was for how I look at things now. In these separate sections I put in things I was learning in therapy, from reading, and from talking to my brothers here.

Anyhoo.... Here's something I wrote about this subject. The first is me at age 10, facing the problem we're talking about here:

Originally Posted By: Little Larry - 1959
I didnít know about masturbation yet, but he was my willing teacher. It grossed me out how he reacted when I first did that for him, and it frightened me and grossed me out even more when he came. At first I thought there was something wrong with him, but he told me no, this is something that shows how special we are to each other. I was too young to ejaculate: but what he was doing made my body respond to him and when I had my first orgasm with him I thought wow, where did that come from! I thought okay, maybe this really is special and these good feelings mean that all this is okay after all. I asked him and of course he told me yes, thatís exactly what it means. It's all okay, otherwise it wouldn't feel good. That quickly became one of his standard lines.


Now here's the Roadrunner in mid-2006:

Originally Posted By: roadrunner
What Have I Learned?

Children need attention and approval, especially from sources they trust. It wasnít strange that I fell for his lie that he would be my big brother. It wasnít my fault that these things were happening, nor was it my fault that I had orgasms with him. The body of an abused boy will still respond to physical stimulation, even if the boy is frightened, doesnít want attention of this kind, and doesnít understand what it means. My body didnít betray me, he betrayed me.

I used to feel that it was completely stupid of me to ask him, the source of the problem, my questions about whether all this was okay. And I believed him when he said if it wasnít okay it wouldnít feel good? But now I see I wasnít stupid at all. I was just a totally innocent child who trusted him. I still canít understand how anyone can do such terrible things to a little kid. How can anyone be that merciless, that unkind?


This still works for me, though as you can see I have been able to see even more of the problem now. I just want you to know we CAN get past these terrible issues. Just give yourself a break and keep working at it - things do get better.

Much love,
Larry


_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#187343 - 10/15/07 09:40 PM Re: Any help is welcome [Re: roadrunner]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Just been lost in my head about my Mother the last little while and had kind of a watershed moment with this one. Pretty scary but makes alot of sense now.

I know very much the fear of failure, it's part of the abuse from my Mother. It's not the trying part that's hard, it's the knowing you'll never suceed so why bother. Whenever I was unemployed my Mom was nice as pie, she'd be sweet and give me money. Of course she'd complain all the time for me to get a job but that was expected obviously. But when I got a job and started doing well she whould turn right nasty on me, belittle my efforts, undermine me, and be down right abusive with her words. I never really did understand it but it's kind of clear now, she was afraid I'd become independent and leave her. It really did make a mess of my head.

Hard to think that the person who was supposed to make me independent is the one who stopped it from happening. Feel so unable to take care of myself sometimes.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

Top
Page 1 of 3 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.