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#185048 - 10/05/07 10:33 PM question for survivors
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Hi guys,

Just wondering, is it possible that a survivor could be married for 15 yrs or so and never realize he's got a problem w/ intimacy, communication, etc., that is not normal, but instead could genuinely believe it is his wife who has the shortcomings?

In other words, does a survivor always feel different and know something is not right w/ himself, or do they think everyone feels the way they do (or that everyone is numb like them, say for instance), and so something must be wrong w/ "the other person" or spouse?

I am trying to figure out whether my H genuinely believes it when he tells me our problems are b/c I don't do what he asks (get a job quickly) etc., or whether it's a smokescreen, that he does really know it's him that has a very debilitating problem (caused by csa) contributing to the difficulties in the relationship (lack of intimacy, never being able to simply discuss something b/c his underlying anger always turns it into him yelling at me, etc.) and would rather not admit that?

Know what I mean?

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#185049 - 10/05/07 10:37 PM Re: question for survivors [Re: Brokenhearted]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: Brokenhearted
Just wondering, is it possible that a survivor could be married for 15 yrs or so and never realize he's got a problem w/ intimacy, communication, etc., that is not normal, but instead could genuinely believe it is his wife who has the shortcomings?

I would say so. I didn't even realize I was a survivor till fairly recently, so there was no way I had a problem.

Originally Posted By: Brokenhearted
In other words, does a survivor always feel different and know something is not right w/ himself,

feel different? yeah - i did
know something is not right - yeah, i did
BUT
know WHAT was wrong? no way

even if you have an idea - it's hard to admit it to yourself, much less anyone else.

at least, in my experience.

M


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#185055 - 10/05/07 10:51 PM Re: question for survivors [Re: MarkK]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Hi BH,

Of course I'm not a survivor, but I wanted you to know that I dealt with the exact same thing with my husband - still do.

I wish all of this was easier!!!!

Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#185060 - 10/05/07 11:11 PM Re: question for survivors [Re: savemyfam]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
... bh ... i've talked to a lot of survivors who say they've had anger problems and intimacy problems and all that while married but didn't realize it was from their csa ... it seems pretty common ... almost as common as a survivor doing the opposite and feeling everything is their fault ...

it doesn't sound like your husband believes he is part of the problem in your relationship ...

... also, you may want to consider setting some boundaries for his behavior ... regardless of the cause, whether it's from csa or something else, it's simply not ok for him to use you as his emotional punching bag ...

be well
selene

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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