Hi guys,

Just wondering, is it possible that a survivor could be married for 15 yrs or so and never realize he's got a problem w/ intimacy, communication, etc., that is not normal, but instead could genuinely believe it is his wife who has the shortcomings?

In other words, does a survivor always feel different and know something is not right w/ himself, or do they think everyone feels the way they do (or that everyone is numb like them, say for instance), and so something must be wrong w/ "the other person" or spouse?

I am trying to figure out whether my H genuinely believes it when he tells me our problems are b/c I don't do what he asks (get a job quickly) etc., or whether it's a smokescreen, that he does really know it's him that has a very debilitating problem (caused by csa) contributing to the difficulties in the relationship (lack of intimacy, never being able to simply discuss something b/c his underlying anger always turns it into him yelling at me, etc.) and would rather not admit that?

Know what I mean?

I would say so. I didn't even realize I was a survivor till fairly recently, so there was no way I had a problem.


feel different? yeah - i did
know something is not right - yeah, i did
BUT
know WHAT was wrong? no way

even if you have an idea - it's hard to admit it to yourself, much less anyone else.

at least, in my experience.

M

Hi BH,

Of course I'm not a survivor, but I wanted you to know that I dealt with the exact same thing with my husband - still do.

I wish all of this was easier!!!!

Angie

... bh ... i've talked to a lot of survivors who say they've had anger problems and intimacy problems and all that while married but didn't realize it was from their csa ... it seems pretty common ... almost as common as a survivor doing the opposite and feeling everything is their fault ...

it doesn't sound like your husband believes he is part of the problem in your relationship ...

... also, you may want to consider setting some boundaries for his behavior ... regardless of the cause, whether it's from csa or something else, it's simply not ok for him to use you as his emotional punching bag ...

be well
selene