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#185031 - 10/05/07 09:12 PM I need some suggestions
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
My husband and I have been seperated for 5 months. He has not taken any steps towards recovery from his CSA or the alcoholism as a result of the CSA. He started talking about a fresh start these last two weeks - starting from this point forward. I have been very candid that he has to face his issues and be activly working a program for the alcohol abuse before we can even begin to think about trying to put things back together.

He said to me "do you really think I want to be this way?" which I guess is the closest he's ever come to admitting that he's an alcoholic. He wants to go to marriage counseling and family counseling with our sons, I agreed with reservations, I figured having a neutral third party involved would help even if we couldn't put anything back together.

I feel that he needs to take the step to getting into some program for the booze - not me set it up for him and take care of it like I always used to do. He has done nothing and this morning I started getting drunken phone calls by 11:00 am - I mean smashed drunk. He apparently slept off the worst of the day long binge and at first was nasty and confrontational with me. His last phone call he said that he needs help and he's reaching out to me for the help. I told him that he needs professional help for the alcoholism and he said that's why he's reaching out to me.

My question, confusion and concern over all of this is do I step in and help him? Do I find him a program? Do I hold his hand in this?

I've been told over and over and believe that he has to do it - do I guide him in the right direction?????? I'm so tired of it all - I know he desperately wants his family back, how much of a role do I take in helping him achieve that????

I'm afraid that he's only going to suck me dry again.

Please give me your opinions and experiances!!!!!

Thanks!!
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#185050 - 10/05/07 10:38 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: savemyfam]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Angie!!!

I'm so sorry for the pain you two are in....I really don't have any advice except that it's not okay for anyone to be sucked dry. You can't be productive in that manner, for anyone let alone for yourself. Choose wisely, and believe me when I tell you I don't envy your situation. Maybe you can lead him to the water but not make him drink. He has to want to be better, I know he does, it would make it so much sweeter if he pulled himself along, and did the leg work himself. I see it's tricky, hard and painful. I'm sorry! I really am.

always,
Kelly

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#185053 - 10/05/07 10:45 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: Agape Girl]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Thanks Kelly!!!

I wish he would do the leg work as well, it would show me that he really wants it. He's not a very strong person even though he portrays himself as one and he's very prideful which doesn't help either.

He has lived so long in fear and it really has paralyzed him for a long time - I think that to a degree he is not able to take that first step by himself, but I also don't want to enable him. He has depended on me for a long time for strength but I want him to stand on his own - again I'm questioning if I should be his strength in this and guide him.

Thanks again Kelly - I don't envy me either!!!!

XOXOXOX
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#185054 - 10/05/07 10:50 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: Agape Girl]
mmac Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/21/07
Posts: 107
Loc: PA
Angie,
i too chose to leave the man i love in order to save myself. when i did, like you, i left a big piece of me with him. you have and are doing what you need to survive. Proceed slowly and cautiously. He needs to do this for himself, you cannot and should not do it for him. He needs to realize that he finally does have a choice and a voice and he needs to use them.
It is painful to watch someone you love in such distress.
Just as he needs to feel this for himself, YOU need to decide for yourself what boundaries you are comfortable with too.
we are here whatever you decide.
M:)

_________________________
"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results."

I cannot take your steps, but I can walk beside you, if you'll let me.

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#185058 - 10/05/07 10:58 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: savemyfam]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
Quote:
His last phone call he said that he needs help and he's reaching out to me for the help. I told him that he needs professional help for the alcoholism and he said that's why he's reaching out to me.


Quote:
I'm afraid that he's only going to suck me dry again.


angie ... i think it sounds like he's trying to take steps to get help ... and of course you can't do the work for him ... but i think him asking you for help is ... well ... him reaching out for help, which is exactly what you had asked him to do ...

... so maybe helping him find support and treatment for the alcoholism would be ok for both you and for him, as well as giving other help when he specifically asks for it ... especially if you agree on some ground rules for how and when you will help him ...

selene

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#185061 - 10/05/07 11:15 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: selene]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Wow mmac and Selene - both ends of the spectrum. I agree with both of you. That's my problem.

What struck me when I read your response Selene is that for 3 years I've told him that I would be there for him when he is ready to take steps towards recovery, now I guess the time is here and I'm afraid to jump in with both feet.

I've spent a long time getting myself to not care for him, I had to because he had become so ugly. I have to really think hard to remember the man that I fell in love with and what a wonderful person that he was.

I'm afraid that if I don't guide him towards the first steps that he will be lost forever - but damnit I will not give up the momentum in my life, I will never be responsible for him again.

Wow it really does suck to be me right now!

Thanks as always my friends!

XOXOXOXO
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#185077 - 10/06/07 12:32 AM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: savemyfam]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
... angie, you don't have to be responsible for him or give up your own progress to help him some ... especially if you agree with him on the terms of whatever help you may give him ... maybe agreeing that you will locate a treatment option for him, but that he is responsible for making the appointments (or meetings ... or whatever applies) ... just for example ...

you don't have to love him or see him as the man he was ... he's not that man now anyway ... and you've changed too ... and you definitely don't have to jump in with both feet ... it doesn't seem like it has to be a black/white or all or nothing type of situation ... you can determine the level of support you want to give (if you decide to give any at all ... and you may not) ...

... i'm just saying that i think it's possible to help someone without losing yourself ... when good boundaries are in place ...

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#185088 - 10/06/07 02:57 AM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: savemyfam]
ptsdwife Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/25/07
Posts: 45
Hi,

look at your screen name... maybe that will answer your question!
Believe... sometimes we get miracles if we just believe.

You really dont have any thing to loose, You been there, done that and I don't think you can be face with all that pain again.

You where put thru the fire and you are a true surviver...

Just weigh it down and see how important it is to save your family and give it another try !!! this time might just be what we are all waiting for!

Don't understimate your self ... You are strong and that it the only reason why we are even having this conversation.

Now if you don't love him anymore then .. You are finally FREE

You have the choice now ... It's really about Love

Do you still love him after all that happend or are yu over him?


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#185111 - 10/06/07 08:57 AM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: ptsdwife]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
You are all such remarkable women and I am truly blessed that you all have come into my life! Thank you.

I'm not feeling quite so overwhelmed this morning and can look at all of this with a much clearer head.

As with most alcoholics, there is no middle ground with him - it's all or nothing so I think that is what has me freaked out. If I help him he'd try to have us spending every minute together possible - he tends to be or want to be all consuming. And if things don't go the way he wanted, he gets angry and tries to bully and manipulate to get his way - another classic alcoholic trait.

My best friend of 30 years and I of course discuss all of this at great length and I recently made a comment to the effect of "do you really think he loves me so intensly or am I just another addiction and obsession" and she floored me when she said that she knows that he loves me intensly but feels that he is not capable of having a healthy relationship. How sad. There are so many levels of recovery that he has ahead of him.

I am going to help him, but absolutely with firm boundries. I will help to set him on his way and then he has to do the rest.

Thank you all,
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#185117 - 10/06/07 09:41 AM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: savemyfam]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Angie,

new job...he's (hopefully) getting treatment...

so much going on right now

take yourself to the nearest mall. buy yourself a knock out outfit for that new job. get a haircut.

go for a ride on your buttmobile.

whatever makes you feel happy.

and congradulate yourself on where you've come from all ready. if you can survive all of that on your own, you can surely do this.

we all hope that he will stick with it.

in the meanwhile, take care of yourself.

V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#185118 - 10/06/07 09:53 AM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: violet]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Thanks Violet!! Your the best!!

I like the mall idea and damnit I am going to take the Buttmobile out for a spin!!!

XOXOXOXOXO
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#185120 - 10/06/07 10:07 AM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: savemyfam]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Angie:

I am coming to this a bit late in the postings, so I hope that my thoughts are not after the fact.

My best friend's father was an alcoholic. Life at her house was always in great chaos. Although her parents passionately loved one another, her father's drinking caused great troubles. (physical abuse to the older brother, dui's, arrests, ect.) The father did rehab a couple of times throughout the years with the intention of quitting for good but he always found his way back to the bottle...

Best friend's parents are still together today and they are in their late 60's now. The thing of it is, nothing had changed throughout the years...they have been living the exact same way all along. Best friends mother kicked him out a couple of times and after he did the two weeks in rehab, ALWAYS took him back. I wonder if she has any regrets that she wasn't stronger in her want for better?

My friend's brother is an alcoholic and best friend fell into relationships with men who struggle with addictions. Patterning is so very strong with how we grow up and then go forth to live what we know.

I believe you really need to look out for your own well being and consider how his alcoholism impacts your family. Let him prove his love for you by moving heaven and earth to become who he needs to be in order to keep you in his life. This may take years to do since there is no quick fix to this situation. IN that time, I'm sure the answers you are seeking will become quite clear.

When you said: "I am going to help him, but absolutely with firm boundries. I will help to set him on his way and then he has to do the rest." You are so very wise in this!!!! I believe you are a strong woman and I am truly grateful to have met you on this forum.

Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#185121 - 10/06/07 10:18 AM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: sweet-n-sour]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Thanks my friend!! I am grateful to have met you as well!!!!

I keep telling him that I will never live the way things had been for the last 3 years and he says that we have to work now on changing everything. I know he has a genuine want for things to be different, whether he has the strength is a whole different ball game. Yes actions speak louder than words and it will be a show me what you got kind of thing.

Again, in true alcoholic form - when he makes his mind up on something he throws himself into it 200%, so if he throws himself into recovery and puts all of his energy into getting himself well, I believe he can do it. But it's taking that first scary step into the unknown.

Thanks for your support as always!!!!

XOXOXOXOX
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#185176 - 10/06/07 12:43 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: savemyfam]
DREAMCATCHER Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/03/07
Posts: 14
Loc: ENGLAND
Hi Savemyfam I am new here but I do have previous expirence with alcoholism, as I lost My own business and home from a previous marraige due to his alcoholism, I listened to all the begging, sorries, and please helps, but to no avail as the drink would always creep back, at the end of the day the One hwo has the addiction is the only one to do anything of meaning about it as it is there life and for them to take control of it, In the end my answer to his was "it is your life, your choice what you do with it" but I do not have to sit on the side lines and watch you slowly drown, and or go down with you, as my life is also my choice. so you see you must make your own choice and consider how it will affect you, and those that you are responsible for, i.e.i dont know how old yur children are, if they can make their own decisions yet or not. I empathise with you as alcoholism is only one of the problems you and your hubby have to deal with, and think they go hand in hand, he might not be able to deal with one at time they need to be worked together. I wish you and your family well, and much peace.Listen to your heart not your head, its usually the best place to come from..

_________________________
Hope your dreams are of Self Love and Inner Peace,Your thought is your creation, Create a world of Love and Light for all to live in.
Collective thought is very powerful

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#185182 - 10/06/07 01:07 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: violet]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Lots of good advice has been given. My thought would be for you to contact a local Alanon group for loved ones of those who use alcohol. I suspect there are those there who can give you some excellent advice having been where you are right now. Your husband has a disease and there are those things he needs to do to take care of himself and there are those that you need to do to take care of you. Sometimes it is hard to know where to jump in and help and to stand by and let someone else do what only they can do for themselves.

Let others who have been where you are and successfully moved past that point give you some ideas that will help you as well as him too.

Your not in an easy place at all and I am glad you reached out to others. Take good care.

B


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#185205 - 10/06/07 01:42 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: Barney]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Thanks Dreamcather and Barney!!!!

I did go briefly to Alanon and it was not the best experience for me or my sons (Alateen), I'm not saying that the program isn't good by any means - it's helped many people. I do think that I need to try again with a different group. I was going to a recovery group through my church which deals with recovery from anything - I love the program because it is very nurturing and it is geared towards recovery, not just dealing with your problem. I need to be back there for fact!!!!

Dreamcatcher - Unfortunately I've become pretty seasoned with the manipulation, pleading, bullying and the I need help's that go along with this awful disease. This time seems different......I could be wrong, on that note I will proceed with extreme caution in all of this. He's not dragging us under again.

Thanks again!!!!
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#185471 - 10/07/07 12:44 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: savemyfam]
mike5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/01/07
Posts: 170
Loc: Cleveland, OH
Originally Posted By: savemyfam
My question, confusion and concern over all of this is do I step in and help him? Do I find him a program? Do I hold his hand in this?


Angie - I suggest that you give your local Alanon groups a call. There are many people there who can help you understand your responses to his drinking.

If his drinking has progressed to alcoholism, you cannot solve his problem for him. If you feel you want to tell him something, tell him to call Alcoholics Anonymous and ask for help there. Period.

Mike5, recovered alcoholic/addict and sexual abuse survivor


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#185515 - 10/07/07 04:58 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: mike5]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Angie,

I too am so sorry for the situation in which you find yourself. Giving him the contact info for the local alcohol treatment program, AA chapter, etc. is a 5 minute job. I would provide him with that information and tell him point blank that if he stands no chance at all of accomplishing his goal of reuniting with you unless he uses it seriously over the long haul. Stick to your guns, Friend. It's the only hope you have of a successful reconciliation.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#185609 - 10/08/07 06:15 AM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: WalkingSouth]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Thanks Mike and John,

I agree whole heartedly!!! We spent time together yesterday and he is trying to make things different and work through the problems, yet I looked him in the eyes and asked him what he's going to do about the drinking and he said that he quit before and he can quit again. I told him that wasn't enough, that there is a whole mindset that goes along with the drinking and he has to work through that in a program. He said he can do it on his own. I know for fact that nothing will change unless he is working a program and there is no way that I'd let him back into our lives unless he is working a program.


In the end, it's my call if I allow him back into our lives and he has alot to prove to me before anything will change.

John - I took my beloved Cubbies logo off as my avatar because the season is over for us. My new one is Celtic knots to represent my Irish heritage. My question to you is - why a camel???

XOXOXOXO
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#185789 - 10/08/07 11:37 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: savemyfam]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
I can see you're in alot of emotional pain and very confused however i can tell you(i'm an alcoholic yet sober over 5yrs now a day at a time) he MUST DO IT HIMSELF otherwise you could very well be enabling him and that only makes matters much worse then they already are( although it seems like things are pretty rough right now for all of you )

I hope i'm not contradicting myself but you can make some calls ( detox's,rehabs,call AA centeral service in your area...log on line and "google" alcoholics anonymous and/or detox's in your area...i can get you some numbers/information/point you in the right direction....detox must happen first if he's still drinking/ or is drunk, otherwise,again,he will have to want the help,and make the effort to check himself into a program)


You most importantly need to be strong for you,did you say you have kids,if so,you need to be strong for them absolutely as well.

Let me know if i can help you in ANY WAY AT ALL ....OK...???


I'm not blowing smoke nor am i playing games.The pain you're in is pretty obvious and if i can help you i will and if i cant i will mnost certainly point you in the right direction and i won't leave you hanging..

Trust me ( such a phrase huh..) although you dont know me i know what it's like to feel so helpless...

Let me know and remember you are not alone.

We/you/AA/friends/family....etc etc can help you through this rough time ...


Rich.....Coopstah


I,too am a survivor of sexual abuse ....good luck and let me know one way or the other if i can help you....lots of hugs from me to you.... \:\)






Edited by thecoopstah (10/08/07 11:40 PM)
_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#185790 - 10/08/07 11:44 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: thecoopstah]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Angie,

Quote:
John - I took my beloved Cubbies logo off as my avatar because the season is over for us. My new one is Celtic knots to represent my Irish heritage. My question to you is - why a camel???

LOL - yes indeed, why? Well there's a thread going someplace on this board that the guys were participating in about sticking it out here in spite of some of the more recent problems. Discussion came up about camels and pink elephants among other beasts, soooo...............

Yes, I had to take my Giants logo down for the same reason. I always say "Next year!"

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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