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#185118 - 10/06/07 09:53 AM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: violet]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Thanks Violet!! Your the best!!

I like the mall idea and damnit I am going to take the Buttmobile out for a spin!!!

XOXOXOXOXO
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#185120 - 10/06/07 10:07 AM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: savemyfam]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Angie:

I am coming to this a bit late in the postings, so I hope that my thoughts are not after the fact.

My best friend's father was an alcoholic. Life at her house was always in great chaos. Although her parents passionately loved one another, her father's drinking caused great troubles. (physical abuse to the older brother, dui's, arrests, ect.) The father did rehab a couple of times throughout the years with the intention of quitting for good but he always found his way back to the bottle...

Best friend's parents are still together today and they are in their late 60's now. The thing of it is, nothing had changed throughout the years...they have been living the exact same way all along. Best friends mother kicked him out a couple of times and after he did the two weeks in rehab, ALWAYS took him back. I wonder if she has any regrets that she wasn't stronger in her want for better?

My friend's brother is an alcoholic and best friend fell into relationships with men who struggle with addictions. Patterning is so very strong with how we grow up and then go forth to live what we know.

I believe you really need to look out for your own well being and consider how his alcoholism impacts your family. Let him prove his love for you by moving heaven and earth to become who he needs to be in order to keep you in his life. This may take years to do since there is no quick fix to this situation. IN that time, I'm sure the answers you are seeking will become quite clear.

When you said: "I am going to help him, but absolutely with firm boundries. I will help to set him on his way and then he has to do the rest." You are so very wise in this!!!! I believe you are a strong woman and I am truly grateful to have met you on this forum.

Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#185121 - 10/06/07 10:18 AM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: sweet-n-sour]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Thanks my friend!! I am grateful to have met you as well!!!!

I keep telling him that I will never live the way things had been for the last 3 years and he says that we have to work now on changing everything. I know he has a genuine want for things to be different, whether he has the strength is a whole different ball game. Yes actions speak louder than words and it will be a show me what you got kind of thing.

Again, in true alcoholic form - when he makes his mind up on something he throws himself into it 200%, so if he throws himself into recovery and puts all of his energy into getting himself well, I believe he can do it. But it's taking that first scary step into the unknown.

Thanks for your support as always!!!!

XOXOXOXOX
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#185176 - 10/06/07 12:43 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: savemyfam]
DREAMCATCHER Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/03/07
Posts: 14
Loc: ENGLAND
Hi Savemyfam I am new here but I do have previous expirence with alcoholism, as I lost My own business and home from a previous marraige due to his alcoholism, I listened to all the begging, sorries, and please helps, but to no avail as the drink would always creep back, at the end of the day the One hwo has the addiction is the only one to do anything of meaning about it as it is there life and for them to take control of it, In the end my answer to his was "it is your life, your choice what you do with it" but I do not have to sit on the side lines and watch you slowly drown, and or go down with you, as my life is also my choice. so you see you must make your own choice and consider how it will affect you, and those that you are responsible for, i.e.i dont know how old yur children are, if they can make their own decisions yet or not. I empathise with you as alcoholism is only one of the problems you and your hubby have to deal with, and think they go hand in hand, he might not be able to deal with one at time they need to be worked together. I wish you and your family well, and much peace.Listen to your heart not your head, its usually the best place to come from..

_________________________
Hope your dreams are of Self Love and Inner Peace,Your thought is your creation, Create a world of Love and Light for all to live in.
Collective thought is very powerful

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#185182 - 10/06/07 01:07 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: violet]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Lots of good advice has been given. My thought would be for you to contact a local Alanon group for loved ones of those who use alcohol. I suspect there are those there who can give you some excellent advice having been where you are right now. Your husband has a disease and there are those things he needs to do to take care of himself and there are those that you need to do to take care of you. Sometimes it is hard to know where to jump in and help and to stand by and let someone else do what only they can do for themselves.

Let others who have been where you are and successfully moved past that point give you some ideas that will help you as well as him too.

Your not in an easy place at all and I am glad you reached out to others. Take good care.

B


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#185205 - 10/06/07 01:42 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: Barney]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Thanks Dreamcather and Barney!!!!

I did go briefly to Alanon and it was not the best experience for me or my sons (Alateen), I'm not saying that the program isn't good by any means - it's helped many people. I do think that I need to try again with a different group. I was going to a recovery group through my church which deals with recovery from anything - I love the program because it is very nurturing and it is geared towards recovery, not just dealing with your problem. I need to be back there for fact!!!!

Dreamcatcher - Unfortunately I've become pretty seasoned with the manipulation, pleading, bullying and the I need help's that go along with this awful disease. This time seems different......I could be wrong, on that note I will proceed with extreme caution in all of this. He's not dragging us under again.

Thanks again!!!!
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#185471 - 10/07/07 12:44 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: savemyfam]
mike5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/01/07
Posts: 170
Loc: Cleveland, OH
Originally Posted By: savemyfam
My question, confusion and concern over all of this is do I step in and help him? Do I find him a program? Do I hold his hand in this?


Angie - I suggest that you give your local Alanon groups a call. There are many people there who can help you understand your responses to his drinking.

If his drinking has progressed to alcoholism, you cannot solve his problem for him. If you feel you want to tell him something, tell him to call Alcoholics Anonymous and ask for help there. Period.

Mike5, recovered alcoholic/addict and sexual abuse survivor


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#185515 - 10/07/07 04:58 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: mike5]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Angie,

I too am so sorry for the situation in which you find yourself. Giving him the contact info for the local alcohol treatment program, AA chapter, etc. is a 5 minute job. I would provide him with that information and tell him point blank that if he stands no chance at all of accomplishing his goal of reuniting with you unless he uses it seriously over the long haul. Stick to your guns, Friend. It's the only hope you have of a successful reconciliation.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#185609 - 10/08/07 06:15 AM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: WalkingSouth]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Thanks Mike and John,

I agree whole heartedly!!! We spent time together yesterday and he is trying to make things different and work through the problems, yet I looked him in the eyes and asked him what he's going to do about the drinking and he said that he quit before and he can quit again. I told him that wasn't enough, that there is a whole mindset that goes along with the drinking and he has to work through that in a program. He said he can do it on his own. I know for fact that nothing will change unless he is working a program and there is no way that I'd let him back into our lives unless he is working a program.


In the end, it's my call if I allow him back into our lives and he has alot to prove to me before anything will change.

John - I took my beloved Cubbies logo off as my avatar because the season is over for us. My new one is Celtic knots to represent my Irish heritage. My question to you is - why a camel???

XOXOXOXO
Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#185789 - 10/08/07 11:37 PM Re: I need some suggestions [Re: savemyfam]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
I can see you're in alot of emotional pain and very confused however i can tell you(i'm an alcoholic yet sober over 5yrs now a day at a time) he MUST DO IT HIMSELF otherwise you could very well be enabling him and that only makes matters much worse then they already are( although it seems like things are pretty rough right now for all of you )

I hope i'm not contradicting myself but you can make some calls ( detox's,rehabs,call AA centeral service in your area...log on line and "google" alcoholics anonymous and/or detox's in your area...i can get you some numbers/information/point you in the right direction....detox must happen first if he's still drinking/ or is drunk, otherwise,again,he will have to want the help,and make the effort to check himself into a program)


You most importantly need to be strong for you,did you say you have kids,if so,you need to be strong for them absolutely as well.

Let me know if i can help you in ANY WAY AT ALL ....OK...???


I'm not blowing smoke nor am i playing games.The pain you're in is pretty obvious and if i can help you i will and if i cant i will mnost certainly point you in the right direction and i won't leave you hanging..

Trust me ( such a phrase huh..) although you dont know me i know what it's like to feel so helpless...

Let me know and remember you are not alone.

We/you/AA/friends/family....etc etc can help you through this rough time ...


Rich.....Coopstah


I,too am a survivor of sexual abuse ....good luck and let me know one way or the other if i can help you....lots of hugs from me to you.... \:\)






Edited by thecoopstah (10/08/07 11:40 PM)
_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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