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#184951 - 10/05/07 04:00 PM trust
Army Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 90
Loc: California

I am just starting to develop friendships with other men, that are safe. I feel insecure and find myself second guessing everything. I wonder if I should have told one guy "my story". I am thinking he is always viewing me different and I just imagine things he is thinking. I feel so awkard and out of control!

Help!

Army

_________________________
07 Peebbles WOR Alummni

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#184953 - 10/05/07 04:07 PM Re: trust [Re: Army]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Army...

It has not been my experience here that telling your story causes one of the guys to treat you differently. Maybe has something changed in the other persons life...maybe thats why? Maybe something stressful is going on in their life??

I have always found the guys here to be very accepting. If you have found one that itsn't, I am sorry but don't let that discourage you.

Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#184956 - 10/05/07 04:16 PM Re: trust [Re: Army]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Disclosing is hard. We relinquish control of our story to other people. Once that story is out, it is no longer ours alone. That loss of control is indeed scary.

I wasn't quite clear...is this person on MS? or in real life?

First, let me congratulate you on working on male relationships. that is a HUGE first step. I'm still working on it. But, with that fear of newly coming out, is a certain paranoia that sets in. Most of this is because we have never had an honest, intimate caring relationship with another guy and the fear is intense. Trust is scary.
I'll bet you anything that the friend you told was honored that you shared such a deep secret with him. I will also bet that he wasn't quite sure what to do with that information. Most guys' response to things like that are to try to fix things. Your friend might not be sure how much you want to talk about it again or if ever. He's probably looking for clues to what you want him to do. In those situations, it's really easy for us survivors to view that behavior as simply looking at us strangely.
My thoughts are that you might casually say something like "I hope my story didn't freak you out too much. I needed to tell someone and you seemed like a safe choice. Thanks for the ear." It tells him that you don't want to be treated differently, it also opens the door for questions and reaffirms the idea that he is honorable and trustworthy...and he'll probably work to live up to that trust.
Gee sounds like I'm trying to be a therapist or Ann Landers, but this is just sort of what I've done with my friend. He now asks about my T sessions and we are very open about it.
My two cents
Paul


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#184961 - 10/05/07 04:31 PM Re: trust [Re: pain4ever]
Army Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 90
Loc: California
Hey Pain4ever,

It is a real live relationship, not on line. I am trying to build safe friends. I am always thinking he is thinking things he hasn't said anything.

Army

_________________________
07 Peebbles WOR Alummni

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#184962 - 10/05/07 04:35 PM Re: trust [Re: Army]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
I think one of the consequences of our past is we think others are thinking things that wouldn't even come to their minds ...

All I can say is, and this takes sometimes even more strength than disclosing - is if you aren't sure - ASK him what he's thinking.

I think you will be happily surprised.

M


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#184966 - 10/05/07 04:57 PM Re: trust [Re: MarkK]
pain4ever Offline


Registered: 04/05/01
Posts: 1032
Army,

Sorry I didnt even think about it being outside of here...how close minded...I am sorry.

I agree with Mark....talk to him and ask him why his actions have changed.

I have found in my past that half the time after I told someone about my past that I think they view me different, I have found once I asked, it was me who was over-thinking any little action the other person part. (wow that was a huge run-on sentence)

Just make sure you arent over thinking it...and also make sure this other person isnt having stress in other parts of his life as well...right now I am acting weirder than usual because of things in my life.

Brian

_________________________
Peace and Tranquility all depends on your frame of reference.

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#185018 - 10/05/07 08:46 PM Re: trust [Re: pain4ever]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 979
Loc: HULBERT OK
I LOST A FRIEND THAT I HAD SENSE THE 3RD GRADE. HE JUST COULD NOT UNDERTAND WHY I WAS RAPED AY THE AGE OF 18 . SO PLAESE BE CAREFUL

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#185027 - 10/05/07 09:05 PM Re: trust [Re: OKIE MIKE]
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Army - you have told this person, and it sounds like he is still around. If he was thinking of you differently, maybe he would have just disappeared, or made his excuses and left.

He could be wondering how to help you. Is it possible that you can ask him what he thinks about what you've told him? Only you can know if that's a good idea!!??

Best wishes ...RIk

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#185044 - 10/05/07 10:28 PM Re: trust [Re: RICK57]
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Army - The step you are seeking to make is very important to get to the kind of healthy male-to-male relationship we all look for. The anxiety you are experiencing is natural to all of us survivors in the position [anticipating making your disclosure] because it is a human emotion everybody shares!

As I build my healthy male relationships, I find I disclose to some and not to others. Those I feel SAFE and COMFORTABLE with also make me feel okay within myself...self accepting of who I am in my recovery...perhaps accepting and understanding of my disclosure. I find I can be free to tell my male friends "my past secret" [making it a secret no more] when I am ready to accept whatever their response will be. Whatever their response, I am still: okay; a survivor; as much a male as they are; been through enough to know I am strong (never again to be weak or victimized).

I have shared with several men who are good, close friends now. You will know within yourself when and if you are ready! For me, to fear the reaction of another [especially another male] and keep a possible good friend at a distance is letting my Perp have that little corner of control in my life today! I want my Perp gone...his control gone...I want and have my life back!!!! I want to let others into my circle [if they will come] and if not, I am still the same me!

I hope this makes sense, Army, and it can help you on your journey!! Making male friends and deepening that relationship is necessary [at least for me] for healthy recovery. Good luck!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#185420 - 10/07/07 09:20 AM Re: trust [Re: ScottyTodd]
Army Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 90
Loc: California
ScottyTodd,

That made a lot of sense. Your right this is my life now and I want to not let the abuse affect the rest of my life. I need friends who are men. I loose big time by not building those friendships.

Thanks, That really helped.

Army

_________________________
07 Peebbles WOR Alummni

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