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#184514 - 10/03/07 09:52 PM A rant on the "shoulds"
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
I discovered it feels good to say a few things once in a while to myself, and it might do the same for you other partners of survivors. Not that we don't love them or all that, or intend to stay with them through this, but it makes me feel free and that I'm making the choice to do so when I say these things:

I don't HAVE to save/help my survivor.

(for me personally, growing up) I don't HAVE to have my father's approval.

Infidelity doesn't HAVE to end my marriage.

(at the same time) I don't HAVE to stay married.

It feels good to tell myself these things over and over and even say them outloud. Because I think for me anyway, I've always felt I "have" to do certain things to "justify my existence" or to earn my place on this earth. I had strict parents who are perfectionistic and used a lot of "shoulds." My mom once even said to me, "What are you doing to justify your existence?" I know that Jesus loves me and that I don't have to justify my existence in any way.

So, for what it's worth, I like ranting on the "shoulds." It can free us up to make a true choice once in a while and not feel so out of control/powerless. I have the power to choose and it feels great to know I don't HAVE to do certain things, after all.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#184517 - 10/03/07 09:59 PM Re: A rant on the "shoulds" [Re: Brokenhearted]
sunshine70 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/29/07
Posts: 51
Loc: florida
nobody HAS to do anything
its what we CHOOSE to do that matters in life
\:\)

for everyone


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#184519 - 10/03/07 10:06 PM Re: A rant on the "shoulds" [Re: sunshine70]
savemyfam Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/17/07
Posts: 144
Loc: Chicago
Amen BH!!!!

I think I'll add to your list:

I DONT have to put everyone before me. I think I'm going into a selfish stage in my life (why not everyone else does!!!!) care to join me???????

Angie

_________________________
God has a plan for me, I trust in God's plan.

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#184522 - 10/03/07 10:21 PM Re: A rant on the "shoulds" [Re: savemyfam]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
I'm not sure exactly why I feel I must put others before myself, either. It's obviously been a pattern in my life. It's a hard one to break. Growing up I know I was made to feel selfish and self-centered if I had a happy time now and then. So I was brought back *down* to earth by criticism. I was taught in a way that I'm not a good person unless I'm miserable. Unless I put everyone before myself. I'm so afraid of not being a good person for some reason.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#184525 - 10/03/07 10:22 PM Re: A rant on the "shoulds" [Re: Brokenhearted]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
I guess if I weren't a good person, then I wouldn't ever have had my parents' approval/love. The child in me still needs those things.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#184526 - 10/03/07 10:25 PM Re: A rant on the "shoulds" [Re: Brokenhearted]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Earlier I typed "I DON'T have to have my father's approval," which is one that my T told me to remember. What about, "I DON'T have to have my parents' love"? Is that one even possible for anyone?

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#184553 - 10/04/07 12:51 AM Re: A rant on the "shoulds" [Re: Brokenhearted]
selene Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/06
Posts: 221
Loc: midwest
Quote:
What about, "I DON'T have to have my parents' love"? Is that one even possible for anyone?


... i got there with my own parents, bh ... and oddly it was when i did that i could see they actually did love me in their own way ... they love me the best they know how ... but it's fine, and I'M fine, if they don't ...

... and hey, what's a "good" person anyway?

hugs

_________________________
"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret; it is only with the heart that one can see rightly, what is essential is invisible to the eye." ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery from The Little Prince

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#184601 - 10/04/07 08:33 AM Re: A rant on the "shoulds" [Re: Brokenhearted]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: Brokenhearted
My mom once even said to me, "What are you doing to justify your existence?"


bh,

first, a REALLY BIG (((((((((HUG)))))))))

i can't believe your mom would say that - ANY mom would say that to their child!!!!!

Originally Posted By: Brokenhearted
I'm not sure exactly why I feel I must put others before myself, either. It's obviously been a pattern in my life.


so is it any wonder this is how you've been made to feel???

you've come a long way and doing great - am sorry tho for the pain you're going thru. we're here, don't forget that, ever!

all the best,
indy




_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#184858 - 10/05/07 12:05 PM Re: A rant on the "shoulds" [Re: indygal]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Brokenhearted,

You know what's cool about being around this place for awhile? Getting to see someone new here figuring things out, getting focused, making progress and really taking back control in his or her life. Like you do with this post. Way to go, girl!

Oh yeah, I forgot...want to know my answer to your Mom's question? It's "Getting your bullshit out of my head!" \:D

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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