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#184844 - 10/05/07 10:59 AM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: indygal]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
From my experiences i can tell you that after reading "victims no longer" i was so inspired by how mike lew was able to put it in a way for all who read it.

If i had to pick one,just one,thing within that book and how it helped me was boundaries and how the behaviors,actions-re-actions and all apspect of our lives are so impacted by who we are today as a result of our childhood(s).


Finally i was so influenced in my recovery and this book in particular that i was so tired of the fear,confusion,pain,isolation,anger,startle response(being frightened easily)....etc etc etc ...that just being in therapy was not going to "cut it" therefore having the information and how profound mike lew was in his way of explaining for all to absorb and understand was outstanding.

I hope i was able to answer your question / concern about the influence i had to read this book i will not soon forget.


Coopstah

PS: i suggest you read it SLOWLY and DO NOT read it in one or even a few days because it's deep and very provocative emotionally.



Edited by thecoopstah (10/05/07 11:00 AM)
_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#184863 - 10/05/07 12:14 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: thecoopstah]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Indy,

Cool idea for a thread. I was influenced to read VNL by the repeated references to it here on MaleSurvivor. Before coming here I only had the foggiest idea that I might not be alone with the burden I carried, and I sure didn't think there would be good books on the subject. Mike Lew's book is one I have read over and over again, and I keep learning something new each time.

When I first started dealing with things I thought was simply losing it and going insane. Then admitting to myself what the problem really was hit me hard and blew me away for a time - so back to the bottle to regroup. Then in November 2003 I was online with my sister and just typed "Cathie I was molested when I was little", and wondered did I dare send it. I did fortunately, and she's been there for me ever since.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#184895 - 10/05/07 01:39 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: roadrunner]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Thank you Agape Girl for starting this.

A big thank you to all the survivors who have been so helpful to us partners. Your insights have been invaluable.

I am also reading victims no longer right now. it has been a huge eye opener for me.

When i first came across MS in July, I was at my wit's end about my husband. I was too pushy.

I think it was just my way of trying to protect him. I felt guilty that there was no one to protect him or confide in when the abuse occured.

Agape Girl, he has been dealing with the abuse in his own ways for so long. They have placed all of their trust in us by sharing the burden of it with us. At this point, I am so sorry I was not more patient with him. I am ashamed of myself. But it is so painful to see my man in such a vulnerable state.

But what did he need?

Some time to stew things over in his mind.

Things are slowly getting better for us. He is moving at his own rate...on his own accord. My level of frustration improved 95% when I let him be in control of his own recovery. Now, that is just us. Not all will be the same. But it is what is working for us.

BTW, thank you to all the survivors who give us the insights that keep us from saying and doing things that would hurt our partners... I am so thankful that you have been honest in sharing your struggles with us. I'm sorry if we seem do seem to trigger you by being too pushy or demanding about recovery...
thanks for putting up with us.

V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#184907 - 10/05/07 02:09 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: violet]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
I'M WITH HER........

I send a big thanks to you all, for helping us too...

always,
Kelly

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#184942 - 10/05/07 03:26 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: Brokenhearted]
ptsdwife Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/25/07
Posts: 45
Brokenhearted,

out of all the explanations that I haved read... Your's is the

closes to how I see my husband, we are apart now and have been

for the past 3 month ... he asked me for a divorsed but I have

not heard any more in the subject it's been 2 weeks ??? I think

his feeling guilty for making me go thru this waiting .. he's

confused and he really dosent know what he wants or feels, when

they say numb I will think thats what they are refering too...

epathy thats how I see him.


Now the weird thing to me its that his funtional at work and as

far as I know in all other parts of his life so the only afected

its me ???

Its this normal ????


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#185012 - 10/05/07 08:34 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: rcm]
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Indygal (it's a while since I've been on this part of the site, glad you're still here)- I've got the book, and had it for some time. I remember where I bought it and why. It was recommended on this site by others, and I spotted it in a local university town book store. I bought it sometime during a breakdown I had before I went to the police/court - I don't remember much of what it said, and may need to revisit it (though I'm not so sure what relevance it may have now that all of the hard work is over for me).

What started me on the road to recovery? Well I believe I have told you this before, or at least some of it!

I went to a stag do with some of my friends, where there were strippers on the stage. Late on in the night, I went to the toilet because I was absolutely bursting. When I got back, one of my friends said that they had made a collection for me.... I didn't hear anything else that was said, as I just totally freaked out and left the building. I assumed that I the collection was so that I could get on stage and 'perform' with the strippers (you hear these stories) and there was no way I could do that in public. The friend that told me about the collection followed me outside, because he just didn;t understand what was wrong. I then told him about being abused as a kid, and how the whole idea of performing in public just brought it all up again far too quickly. He was shocked, and then explained that the collection was just so I could have my photograph taken with 2 of the strippers - there was no performance expected. It was a negative/positive experience, because had it never happened, I would still be living in the dark ages of being the only person other than the perv that knew I had been abused.

Problem was, as my friend later said, they felt responsible for lifting the lid off Pandora's Box - once it was off, there was no going back. It was at that point about 32/33 years after I had been abused.

It went another couple of years after that and I thought I was dealing with it OK. It got to Christmas 2003, and I was shopping in Leeds. I got to the point where I only had one present left to buy. It was for my nephew & I could not think of what to buy, nor did I see anything, but I wasn;t even really thinking of what to buy, I just had this strange block in my head. It just suddenly hit me, that my nephew was around the age that I was when abused. It hit me bigstyle, that my nephew lived closer to the perv than I did when he got his hands on me. I then woke up to the fact that it could all happen again and I wondered who else he might have had his hands on. I went into total meltdown! Falling into the pit - that's what got me onto the road to recovery! There was only one other place left to go, and I'm too resilient to take that path!

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#185089 - 10/06/07 04:02 AM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: RICK57]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: RICK57
What started me on the road to recovery? Well I believe I have told you this before, or at least some of it!

I went to a stag do with some of my friends, where there were strippers on the stage. Late on in the night, I went to the toilet because I was absolutely bursting. When I got back, one of my friends said that they had made a collection for me.... I didn't hear anything else that was said, as I just totally freaked out and left the building. I assumed that I the collection was so that I could get on stage and 'perform' with the strippers (you hear these stories) and there was no way I could do that in public. The friend that told me about the collection followed me outside, because he just didn;t understand what was wrong. I then told him about being abused as a kid, and how the whole idea of performing in public just brought it all up again far too quickly. He was shocked, and then explained that the collection was just so I could have my photograph taken with 2 of the strippers - there was no performance expected. It was a negative/positive experience, because had it never happened, I would still be living in the dark ages of being the only person other than the perv that knew I had been abused.

Problem was, as my friend later said, they felt responsible for lifting the lid off Pandora's Box - once it was off, there was no going back. It was at that point about 32/33 years after I had been abused.

It went another couple of years after that and I thought I was dealing with it OK. It got to Christmas 2003, and I was shopping in Leeds. I got to the point where I only had one present left to buy. It was for my nephew & I could not think of what to buy, nor did I see anything, but I wasn;t even really thinking of what to buy, I just had this strange block in my head. It just suddenly hit me, that my nephew was around the age that I was when abused. It hit me bigstyle, that my nephew lived closer to the perv than I did when he got his hands on me. I then woke up to the fact that it could all happen again and I wondered who else he might have had his hands on. I went into total meltdown! Falling into the pit - that's what got me onto the road to recovery! There was only one other place left to go, and I'm too resilient to take that path!



oh rick !!!!!!!! no, i've never read this part of your story before, only after you went to court and all and what happened when you were a child, not this part - it's left me in tears, i can only imagine how it was for you, as well as others.

there is a line, a divide, it seems, between the past life of denial, or lost memories, trauma; then the phase of recovery and the new experiences one will have as one starts to deal with the past and eventually heal.

i see my bf as on the same sort of precipice now, looking back and afraid to look forward, even more afraid to go forward. i told him gently i wouldn't let him fall - he said thank you - it's so precarious right now, i think a lot of you understand what i'm talking about.

as long as you are all here, i will do my best not to let him fall.

indy








_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#185092 - 10/06/07 04:24 AM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: RICK57]
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
ptsdwife - you say that it's weird to you that your husband is functional at work.


THIS MAY TRIGGER

It's not weird to me, as I fully understand that. I was also functional at work until I had the breakdown I mentioned above. After the breakdown I became functional again, despite the fact that I was still cracking up inside, wanting to do something about the past, because I could no longer leave it behind, it wouldn't let me once the lid was off. Work kept me busy, and so distracted me from thinking about the past - I would only think about it 50% of the time when at work. At home, it was just none stop despite what other distractions there were.

I made it to work on the Monday after I'd been Christmas shopping, but I felt like hell inside. I was barely functioning (was on early shift & I actually run a department). I was just like a robot going through the motions, but robots don't feel hurt. By the Wednesday I was really struggling to reach the end of the shift, barely functioning. I felt that everyone was looking at me and talking about me because they could clearly see that something was badly wrong (nobody actually realised until afterwards). I was struggling to ship product to the customer, and at the time there were a lot of Engineers in the department resolving equipment problems that we had. The perv was 32 when he abused me. Most of our Engineers were around that age at the time. Gradually over about 2 hours, their voices started changing and all melded into one - it was the pervs. I just to say made it to the end of the shift, but I was absolutely petrified. I remember going to the toilet and looking at my eyes in the mirror - my pupils were so large, they were practically bordering the whites of my eyes.

I went to the Doctors immediately after work and told him I thought I was going mad. He asked why I thought that, and somehow I just told him. He offered to get me councelling. I went back into my car and heard a loud banshee sound. I looked around to see where it was coming from and then realised it was me. It was just years of pure anquish being released properly for the first time. After that, I managed to contact my Manager and met her in a side room at work, where I broke down again. Many people think she is a hard faced bitch (she just doesn't like lazy people). She arranged immediate councelling, and that was the turning point.

To cut a long story short, I eventually went to the police and court, achieving a conviction in March of last year.

It was a long hard road, and for about 3 and a half years, I functioned at work. This was the time that it took me to build up courage to speak to the police, and the 17 months that it took from making my statement to the final day in court. I very nearly lost the ability to socialise during that time, and still have problems doing so. Luckily my friends have never given up on me. Recently I became a godfather for the 4th time (oldest is 25, youngest is 4 and a half months). The fact that I was asked to be Godfather is the best signal that I've had in recent years, that I'm finally getting there.

We were cheated out of the most precious thing anyone can have - childhood. That makes it very difficult for us to relate to other adults. Part of me is now 50 years old, but there is another part of me that is forever 12 years old. That part of me will forever treat all adults with suspicion, even if there is no real reason to do so! If someone new is talking to me, they see someone who doesn't look bad for their age (still have all of my own teeth and hair, with only about six grey hairs that are visible). They will never know if I am in 12 year old mode, regarding them with suspicion, wondering what they want from me.

I used what energy I had for work, because if I didn't, then I could have lost my house as well as my mind!

I more than function now, and know the warning signs if I start slipping. Drinking too much coffe, not eating the right things and trying to do everyone else's job on top of my own is the best way to send myself into regression, so I try not to do that!

Hope this helps in some way, and apologies if it was too graphic.

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#185099 - 10/06/07 07:32 AM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: RICK57]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Rik,

Yeah, I can relate to a lot of it. I had a nephew who not only lived close to my perp (my mom), but he was being actively groomed by her.

Your story was very inspiring, Rik. Thank you for sharing it.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#185334 - 10/06/07 08:28 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: BJK]
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Indy - sorry if my post upset you, it looks as though we were typing at the same time. I sometimes feel as though my posts are too graphic, but if I don't say how it was/is, I don't know how people can possibly understand. I feel that if I state how things really are/were, then it may encourage others to speak up just the same. I have recent evidence that indicates this does happen.

What I'd say to someone who is not a survivor themselves, but who is trying to support someone that is (I speak from my own perspective). Imagine if you once lived in a world that was magical, and that you only ever experienced good things. You didn't even know what it was to hurt, because everyone loved and protected you, so hurt and pain was not in your vocabulary. Your life experiences were so good, that you trusted everyone, because you did not understand what it meant not to trust. It was a bit like living in a land of milk and honey... I think that was a place called Nirvana. To those of you that like rock music, I can equate it to being Kurt Cobain (my opinion, so any lawyers that find fault with this, come after me, not MS). ON the outside it appears that everything could not be better, then life just does your head in.

Life (as above) means being abused by someone that pretends to be your best friend ever. Being groomed with treats into a situation that you just do not understand, and that you will try to comprehend for the rest of your life. It might mean being violently attacked by someone you totally trusted, being pinned to the floor and used (not my experience, but I know it is the experience of others). So we men here have either been subjected to grooming and abuse, or violent physical attacks (sometimes both). When someone you trust does this, it plays havock with your ability to trust. Yes we may think that you are the best person we ever met, but I personally just wait for people to let me down. I thought for many years that everyone would let me down eventually, so why did I even bother putting myself into situations where I might start to like / get attached to people, if I knew they would eventually let me down.

It's because in the back of my mind, I always had hope! Sorry if I'm rambling (it feels like I am).

Bryan - I think you said almost as much in a couple of sentences as I did in all that text.

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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