Newest Members
andrewmartin, Aurigny, Luther, LuckyCharm, Jennifer Lyons
12251 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Beyond Abuse (51), dona (55), JoMiFa (35), norbrill1 (62), RubyRoberts (62)
Who's Online
0 registered (), 32 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12252 Members
73 Forums
63106 Topics
441313 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 4 < 1 2 3 4 >
Topic Options
#184728 - 10/04/07 08:46 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: rcm]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Indygal:

I'm going to answer your second question first. I didn't realize I was abused as a child until I saw the way my mother (my perp) was treating (grooming?) my 8 year old nephew just a few months ago. There was a lot more to it than that, but a big part of me figuring this all out was a desire to protect my nephew.

This isn't an easy road. Some of the things that survivors need to face are things that we don't want to face on a subconscious level that is quite strong. How could I face the possibility that what my mother did to me wasn't out of love? How could I face the possibility that my mother wasnt' capable of love? This is stuff that can't be rationalized. It must be felt, and when one forces feelings back long enough, sometimes one forgets how to feel. Learning how to feel again is probably the biggest stepping stone for most survivors.

As far as Mike Lew's book goes, please don't force this book upon a survivor until he is ready. Lew's book was an extremely difficult read for me. It would trigger me so strongly, I would go for days at a time without being able to function at all. However, it would trigger me in a way that I wouldn't even realize until several hours after I put it down. I was about 2/3 of the way through the book before I started to realize what it was doing to me, and I haven't picked it up since.

There is a book by Mic Hunter called Abused Boys that is also a good read. The first half of the book is the part that is worth reading. The second half is a bunch of survivor stories, and they do nothing but trigger me. However, my recommendation for any survivor is to read the first half of Abused Boys. This should be the first book on male sexual abuse for any male survivor.

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#184733 - 10/04/07 09:21 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: rcm]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hello, Indy, and thanks for asking this of us. It does mean a lot to a survivor when someone takes an interest in their recovery.

My own experience is that I was 43 years old before I finally told my wife about the past on May 31, 2004. We had been married for nearly 16 years at that point, and while she had suspicions that there was some trauma in the past, she never asked me about it. What finally brought it all out was after an incident I had with my father in which he berated me and made me feel exactly as though I were 10 years old again. He had been physically and emotionally abusive to me as a child, and this was just like old times. So basically, the floodgates were now open and I spilled the majority of the past to my wife.

As to the VNL book, after joining here I quickly saw that it was the de facto standard text for dealing with SA. I bought it, read it, cried through it, and finally felt like I was no longer alone.

Thanks again for asking. I appreciate it.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#184741 - 10/04/07 10:26 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: rcm]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: rcm
By the way your situation really *really* triggers me. I thought I'd let you know in case my input may be of any help to you. I have a hard time reading this type of messages and actually stayed away from them until now, I think because of the way you titled this thread. Usually I will stay away from the "Family and Friends" discussions.


RCM,

thank you so much for sharing your feelings about my post and providing your answer - it's a much needed reality check for those of us who really sometimes just don't understand, as much as we want to.

all the best,
indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

Top
#184742 - 10/04/07 10:29 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: BJK]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: BJK
As far as Mike Lew's book goes, please don't force this book upon a survivor until he is ready. Lew's book was an extremely difficult read for me. It would trigger me so strongly, I would go for days at a time without being able to function at all. However, it would trigger me in a way that I wouldn't even realize until several hours after I put it down. I was about 2/3 of the way through the book before I started to realize what it was doing to me, and I haven't picked it up since.

There is a book by Mic Hunter called Abused Boys that is also a good read. The first half of the book is the part that is worth reading. The second half is a bunch of survivor stories, and they do nothing but trigger me. However, my recommendation for any survivor is to read the first half of Abused Boys. This should be the first book on male sexual abuse for any male survivor.


BJK,

again, sometimes we are just clueless until you survivors share this kind of info with us. thanks so much, i do appreciate it.

all the best,
indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

Top
#184743 - 10/04/07 10:37 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: indygal]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
to all of you survivors who are reading this and those who have answered:

as partners, friends, family, etc., mostly we really ARE clueless as to how you feel, what you are going through, whether in recovery, thinking about it, in sometimes, out others.

thanks guys for sharing here in this forum, it's HUGE in the way it helps us understand our relationships that much better; and with understanding comes acceptance.

indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

Top
#184744 - 10/04/07 10:37 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: indygal]
Kristofer Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/02/07
Posts: 1
Loc: Massachusetts, Cape Cod
Hi BJK,
I finished Mic Hunter's book, Abused Boys last week and have to say that the patients' stories were very difficult for me to read but I made myself read one story each night...It was difficult yet it made me feel less alone and made me feel that there are people out there that have been trough some awful things that I once had to endure by my sick and twisted uncle. The questions after each story were very helpfl as well. I wish ypu only the best...especially love...........Kris


Top
#184745 - 10/04/07 10:42 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: indygal]
GWsurvives Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 251
Loc: Atlanta, and here, among othe...
Indy.. my recovery started after my second wife left me. I went to a "marriage counselor" to try and convinvr my wife to give me another chance. After seking to him for an hour, and my wife speaking to hi for hour (seperatly).. I went back to see him.. He asked me flat ou: "Is there any abuse in your past?". I thought he was talking about in my marriage... After a few minutes.. he rephrased the question... "was there any abuse in 'your' childhood?". THAT floored me.. When I said I yes, and explained, he asked if I had therapy for it. WTF?? that was 30 years ago. He suggested that I get therapy, or at the very least, read Lew's book. When I sobered up... I read Lew's book.. when I sobered up again... I asked him to recommend a therapist... that was over a year ago... I am growing.. I am learning..... I am HEALING!!!!

_________________________
"Some times there just aren't enough rocks" Forrest Gump

Top
#184748 - 10/04/07 11:00 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: rcm]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Indy,

You may know what I'm going to say but threatening my husband w/ divorce was the ONLY way he ever agreed to go to therapy, by himself. Even with that threat he wouldn't go to counseling W/ ME.

I just came out and told him I had talked to an attorney (I had, and they had the papers ready to file, signed, etc. by me, all they needed was my Visa # and $3,000.00). I had literally been brought to the end of my rope. I didn't understand his lack of emotion, lack of feeling, he was saying things like "I don't care about anything and I don't know why." It was scaring me. I didn't recognize him. I started worrying about the safety of me and our daughter. I was afraid he was turning into a sociopath. I just didn't know what to think, as a person on the outside.

Here we are over a yr later and he still hasn't touched any of the books (and I bought and read all of them), nor has he come to this site, which I recommended well over a yr (2 yrs?) ago.

The only way I know how to be is to let him know I'm 'on his side,' as though he is a wild horse and won't be tamed by a very strong trainer, but only by gentleness and patience. I jump-started things w/ threatening divorce, sure, b/c we were in crisis and I had nowhere to turn. But now I float along w/ him for what seems like will be an eternity.

If someone had told me I had been covertly abused by my parents' through their chronic invalidation of me, I would have been suspicious of the person telling me that. What did they have against my parents? They didn't grow up w/ them so how would they know anyway? Were they trying to make me upset? Instead I learned this on my own completely, slowly, w/ therapy....it just came out...it wasn't led in that direction or anything, it just got discovered by me as to why I would tolerate so much neglect from my husband....hmmmm, maybe I was raised to expect it? And then I knew. But I had to figure it out on my own. My T probably suspected I had been covertly abused growing up, but a good one will let you figure it out on your own, even though it takes longer generally.

It IS frustrating b/c it is like we KNOW something our survivors don't yet know themselves and we can't wait till they know it too so we can finally talk about it and get on w/ life and get to a better place together.

"Now it's just a waiting game," is what the neuropsychiatrist, my T's boss, told me, about my situation. A waiting game. It's like the waiting room from hell, isn't it. I mean, I'm so tired of waiting, like you!

I do think it will come to light to him sooner w/ therapy than without, just b/c in therapy one seeks to discover the why's of things. I wish mine would at least come here or read a book too, but he will not. The best I can do right now is hope that we will find another good T when I join him in the other state where he is starting his new job. I am trying to sell our house.

I'm sorry it's so hard right now. I am right there w/ you, as are many other partners.

I also think I am starting to finally understand how certain things will make it come up...like feeling emotion when there's new trauma, like a car wreck or a job loss or a funeral...it's like the brain only has so much "disk space" for storing away such emotions, and when you try to overstuff it, it breaks the lid and won't close again. My own parents are not doing so well right now and I wouldn't be surprised if both pass on in the next yr or two, so maybe that will be his trigger, I don't know.

Keep well,

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#184750 - 10/04/07 11:03 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: Brokenhearted]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
P.S. Indy one thing I did give to him to read that he did read was a one or two-page article about PTSD, the effects of it, which explained his weird lack of emotions/numbness. I had gone to the T and she gave it to me to give to him. He at least learned that much, that he must have PTSD, because it was a perfect match to what he was feeling or not feeling, and so I think maybe he began to accept that perhaps his csa had been traumatic even though he never thought of it that way. So maybe see if you can get him to read about PTSD, which I think most if not all survivors of trauma have to a degree, and that is just skimming the surface that "something is wrong" but not outright speaking about his very personal and embarrassing csa.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

Top
#184794 - 10/05/07 03:19 AM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: Brokenhearted]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
It took me a few month's for everything to sink in, I kind of went on a fact finding mission, and once I had gotten all the info I could it really became a matter of no going back. Everything just fell into place after that.

I've heard over and over again that it was just time for it to come out. I believe that, that it was just the right time, it couldn't have happened any other way. But there was outside factors that led me to where I'm at, I can really boil it down to someone telling me that I was raped and I needed to deal with that, although it was much more subtle \:\)

This is a very individual opinion. I would not recommend manufacturing a crises obviously, but I was guided to the truth with caring and concern after a traumatic event. It all just lined up.

The person who helped me was a stranger I met on the net. That might have helped me because it gave me alot of hope that there were people who cared without wanting something from me. Meant a big deal to me.

A lot of trauma, a little caring and one brick pulled out of my wall and I'm on the path to recovery.

Just 2 cent's okay, we're all different.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

Top
Page 2 of 4 < 1 2 3 4 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.