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#184604 - 10/04/07 08:44 AM question mostly for survivors
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
ok before anyone (and that means YOU) who are about to remind me "he needs to do the work"

i get it, ok? as well as

"he needs to own his own recovery"

i get that too, ok?

BUT, all the same, i'm a big influence in his life, and his situation effects me, too,

so, i want to know - to you survivors who have read "victims no longer" what influenced you to read the book - that one in particular?

also those of you who can remember what started you on the road to recovery, what exactly was it?

yes, i wrote "mostly for survivors" but ladies, if you DO recall anything that may have got your guy going in the right direction, please do share (whether or not he's still going there or not)

thanks to all who share,

indy



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#184648 - 10/04/07 12:41 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: indygal]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Indy:

Thanks for posting this, I feel you and I'm looking for the same answers this week too. It's hard to know what nudging is and what's pushing. Also my partner is different from your partner. I'd certainly apprieciate a little guidance from my partner but I don't know how or if I can ask that of him. Currently I am working on asking him if we could have another couples session sometime very soon. I go back and forth on whether to ask him or not, and of course ask my good friends here their thoughts. So right now, I'm just waiting for the answer.

I'm right beside you girl! right there on the left side leaning my head on your shoulder, feel free to do the same.

always,
Kelly

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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#184650 - 10/04/07 01:03 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: Agape Girl]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: Agape Girl
It's hard to know what nudging is and what's pushing.


i'm almost ashamed to say i've considered bribing him (to read the book)? with money? is that pathetic or what? \:o

(and yes i do KNOW it wouldn't work!!!)
p.s. it won't work because he rarely ever accepts anything from anyone!!!

indy

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my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#184654 - 10/04/07 01:24 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: indygal]
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
Originally Posted By: indygal
so, i want to know - to you survivors who have read "victims no longer" what influenced you to read the book - that one in particular?

also those of you who can remember what started you on the road to recovery, what exactly was it?


  • I did some research and this seemed like a very good book when I started my journey. By the way, I have not been able to finish that book. I tried to start and the tears kept coming. Even just opening the book, before I started reading I was already crying. I had to put it down. I will get back to it when I feel I can handle it.
  • I became aware of certain patterns in my behaviour after an incident in which an older man who was touching me inappropriately triggered some memories and a strong reaction. I did this all on my own although I did get some valuable feedback from close friends.


I have two good friends who, based on their behaviour, I am sure are victims of CSA. They know about my experience. I can see their expressions change when I talk about it. I cannot do anything about it. They will start the healing when they are ready. I think it will cause more damage to try to "help" them. Sounds like you've heard this before and do not like to be told again. My comment is, there is a reason why people say this and there is a reason why you dislike it. I invite you to think about it.

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Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

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#184655 - 10/04/07 01:37 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: rcm]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
My past came to a head after my Mom died. I think I was going to use the same method and bury everything but I think maybe I ran out of energy to do that. For twenty years you could have told me to work on it but I just wouldn't believe it even had an effect on me. It was buried so deep, it really was a non issue in my mind. Obviously I was wrong but I just couldn't see it.

Until he see's it for himself, it not even going to make sense to him that there are issues.

"Victims no longer" was a recommendation by every single survivor I met.

Stay strong
Mike

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Thriving

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#184660 - 10/04/07 02:03 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: indygal]
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
Indygal -

What started me down that path - a complete meltdow. I told her everything and said I need help. We went to see a therpist for the first time and she was smart enough to see my issues were way over her head. My wife and her talked for a day or two (I was a wreck) and within 48 hours I was on a plane going inpatient for 6 weeks to a facility that specialized in trauma and abuse.

It was a hard 6 weeks - apart from my wife and 5 kids - but it saved my life. While I was there I was given that book and Abused Boys by Mic Hunter. We had group everyday and somedays we just sat and read parts of either book outloud and talked. Those days were really hard for us all.



Edited by kellygtx (10/04/07 02:03 PM)
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I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#184664 - 10/04/07 02:32 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: kellygtx]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
I kept my abuse inside for 37 years... always guarding that secret with total self control... but one night, I got very drunk, and I just couldn't hold it in anymore... it came like a flood. I told my family, I started therapy - went twice and then fell so deep into my alcoholism, I almost lost my job, family and friends. I quit drinking, and put my recovery on hold for 4 years until I had sobriety firmly under my belt. I made a lot of changes in those years, got healthy, stopped smoking, and got back in touch with my friends, wife and children. I left an abusive boss... In short, I heeded to create an environment that would allow me to do the work I knew was ahead of me.

I tried to read Victims many times, but it has been very difficult for me... It just makes me too emotional... The first time I tried, I actually threw it under the bed because if felt like it was reading my mind!... I keep in next to my bed, and and I open it sometimes, but have not gotten very far. The book that was easier for me was Mic Hunter's, "Abused Boys" that Kelly mentione3d. Don't know why, but it has provided me with a lot of help.

But the best thing I have found is this site, the men here and in particular, some very, very close friends that always support me... no matter what... My wife has been somewhat removed from my healing... that was a mutual decision... she is supportive, but we do not talk a lot about the specifics of my recovery - it works for us, because we communicate very closely about everything in general, I can just say, "having a bad day" and she will be there for me without having to know specifics.

Hope that is helpful... As mogigo said, he needs to find what works for him... it sort of happens... but knowing you support him whenever he is ready will be huge.

Dan

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"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#184666 - 10/04/07 02:34 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: rcm]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Originally Posted By: rcm
I think it will cause more damage to try to "help" them. Sounds like you've heard this before and do not like to be told again.


let's just say i've "strongly encouraged" him, stopping short of screaming "GET HELP DAMN IT" but it might be going that way soon, sigh....

indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#184673 - 10/04/07 03:16 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: indygal]
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
There is much wisdom in this sentence.
I am really fighting with writing what's on my mind because I am sure you heard it before and it will automatically trigger a reaction in you.
If I may suggest something .... if the fact that he is not responding to your "strong encouragment" a problem for you, then focus on that problem. This is perfectly within your control. The other problem is not.
If you cannot do anything about a situation, and you try to "fix it" when you obviously cannot, it can only lead to frustration. Focus on what you can control, ie your response to the situation.
I sincerely hope this helps and wish you the best to you and your partner.

_________________________
______________________________________________
Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

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#184674 - 10/04/07 03:17 PM Re: question mostly for survivors [Re: rcm]
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
By the way your situation really *really* triggers me. I thought I'd let you know in case my input may be of any help to you. I have a hard time reading this type of messages and actually stayed away from them until now, I think because of the way you titled this thread. Usually I will stay away from the "Family and Friends" discussions.

_________________________
______________________________________________
Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

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