Joe Kort, a gay therapist who helps gay and bi men come out has started a new blog for men who have sex with men but are neither bi nor gay.

It's called "straight guise" -- you can find it by googling joekort.com or straightguise.com (I think).

Katie

Kathryn -

You never cease to amaze me with your knowledge and research. I did google 'straight guise' and really liked what I read.

5. Men acting out early childhood sexual abuse
Also known as homosexual imprinting. These heterosexual men are not homosexually oriented. They do not sexually desire nor are they aroused by other men. However, they compulsively re-enact childhood sexual abuse by male perpetrators through their sexual behaviors with other men. This has nothing to do with their sexual and romantic identities.

If a basically heterosexual boy is molested by a male relative, he may keep “returning to the scene of the crime” to defuse and desensitize his emotional pain. When his original trauma gets cleared up, the “homosexual” behavior he’s re-enacting ceases. This isn’t about gayness; it is about sexual abuse.


That's me - and the simplest, most straight forward explanation. I was told a counter-phobia, a repetiton compulsion, trauma repetition, ect. But this is the easiest to understand.

Kathryn -

The more I read on this sight the more I like this guy. For all of us that had sex with a man and are confused, this site will be very helpful. I am really working hard to get past the guilt and understand it was not, and is not, an issue of 'gayness' for me, it is all linked to the abuse. I choose not to act on those feelings anymore, but I think I will always be imprinted with those homoerotic thoughts. And I am learning to live with that.

What about those of us who were raped by a women. Where do we go? Guess I know what those of you from the past have known. I go nowhere.

Just feel so alone sometimes, even on this site.

Stay strong
Mike

Unfortunately Joe Kort leaves out sexual abuse by a woman specifically, but I think he mentions enough factors that may come into play that we can assume that sexual abuse of any kind throws a curve-ball into one's sexual development and can derail a predominantly heterosexual development at least as much as "father hunger" or "liking anal sex" or his intimation that cross-dressing and other preferences can push a an otherwise heterosexually oriented guy to have sex with men.

Personally, I think what he implies about the allignment of the different factors that make up orientation is important -- fantasy, desire, attraction to the whole person, goals, feelings of self-affirmation, romantic and sexual attraction, the desire to build a life, sexual preferences and the like. It's when these and other factors are directed at one sex or the other that we might talk in terms of a "full" sexual orientation. If merely one or two things attract one to the opposite sex, then perhaps there are other reasons for one's interest than what we call orientation with it's implication of sexually expressing deep relational longings.

It seems to me that the response to both male and female sexual abuse are very similar. Why precisely? Well, don't know. But it intuitively makes sense to me that it would be -- because in both cases the boy has been forcibly penetrated (at least psychically if not physically) and perhaps due to social forces, perhaps to deep animal instinct, we tend to equate penetration with the male sex.

Plus a whole bunch of other stuff.

Take care,
Katie

Mike,



I'm glad you commented on that and I hope you will post about the issues that concern you. I bet you will see that there are more guys with Darth Mother and other female issues than you might think!

Much love,
Larry

Mike -

I went on Joe Kort's web site and did some reading. If you go to articles, there is an article specifically on men abused by women.

http://www.joekort.com/articles.htm

Peace and I hope it helps you a little.

Thank's guy's. Sorry for the pity party.

I know in my head that I'm where I need to be, group, therapy, here, but it's still such a secret to me sometimes. I started group and it's been absolutely amazing, I connect so much with the guys in the group but I still find myself just avoiding any mention that my perp was female. Like I don't want to chance it. It still feels like a secret and I just don't want it to be that way anymore. I've had enough of secrets.

When I told my Dad I was raped the only words that came out of his mouth were "was it a man" and when I said no that seemed to be the end of the issue. Everything was right in his world because it wasn't a man and he could roll his eyes and pass it off to me just being an idiot. I know that it's not true but it's hard when I don't get what I'm looking for from the people closest to me. Told a good friend as well and his response was "and what's the problem".

I do feel comfortable here, and I do feel like I belong but still have that feeling that I just shouldn't mention the sex of my perp and everything will be fine. But then that just keeps it a secret right?

So tired of secrets

Larry, kelly, Katie, thanks guys, and gals so much.

Stay strong
Mike

Mike - if a man abuses a girl, it's the biggest sin ever.

If a woman abuses a boy, he should enjoy it, because he's a male and any sex is good sex for a male isn't it!?

Sorry if that sounds flippant, but abuse is abuse! A perpetrator is a perpetrator - doesn't mater what sex either the assailant or the target is. If there is an imbalance of power, it is wrong!!!!

Best wishes ...Rik

Bumping this topic because the author is well worth the read

C

Interesting thread,

Makes perfect sense, in an after the fact sort of way.

It also brings up a senario of MB related stuff that I no longer due, my T convinced me this type of behavior is not good for me, and I agree.

This behavior went on for so long, it feels almost shamefull
to admit, but I've come far enough to realize the shame is not mine to own.


You are so Beautifull (Joe Cocker)

island

.

Mike my Brother,

There is a thread in the MaleSurvivor forum "Abused by Female/Mother" that may have some gems for you. I posted a reference to a Mother/Son incest book there along with comments from Joe Kort praising the Author for addressing the topic. Wendy Maltz in her book "The Sexual Healing Journey" takes time early on to validate female on male sexual abuse, including a reference to a Barbara Walters interview of Don Johnson where he speaks of his first sexual encounter -- which was clearly abuse at the hands of an older woman --. http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...6561#Post256561

My Brother, I am certain you will find many men who share your abuse history as you progress along in your recovery. I certainly have, and the list keeps growing.

As a final note I have heard and read Patrick Carnes -- a pioneer and leading voice in the field of Sexual Addictions -- note that in our society it is difficult for men to identify experiences as abuse. A young boy and an older woman is more likely to be viewed as a "Score" than as the Abuse that it is. Not unlike my abuse at the hands of a female babysitter when I was 10/11.

Keep walking through your recovery, stay connected with your fellows and supports, and work through your pain points. You will surely find the Joy that has been obscured by your wounds.

Love, Wes.

My friends and Brothers;

I was blessed with a PM referencing the Mother/Son Incest book. It is more of a research document and could be triggering to survivors. My feeling is that it is a piece of validation, and is wise to approach it with caution. --The author went in to the topic thinking that it did not exist, and admits such in the forward of the 2nd edition -- I pray that it leads to more work and research in a truly overlooked area of CSA. I did not connect with my abuse at the hands of my babysitter until I was into recovery and working through the pain of my various abuses.

As with much of my recovery work I subscribe to Carnes's "Gentle Path" to healing. Lets work together in love, caring and support .

*** IMHO *** your are 110% correct in stating that we need a forum for "Mother/Son Female/Male" abuse topics. This is something that ought to be brought up to the Mod's/Admins here at MS.

with Love and Hope, Wes

Dear Wes-b:

Because of a few friendly encouragements in PMs I have during the last days PMed all the Moderators here on the MS-forum, suggesting that we need a forum for the 20 percent of men that have been abused by females. The Good news is that it seems that they agree on this and that such a forum will be up and running and running soon. It is my hope that this will bring more focus to these issues so it will no longer be "The unspeakeable last taboo" among men that has been sexually abused as boys by females.

Thank you for the reading suggestions Wes.

Healing and Love, Niels