I discovered it feels good to say a few things once in a while to myself, and it might do the same for you other partners of survivors. Not that we don't love them or all that, or intend to stay with them through this, but it makes me feel free and that I'm making the choice to do so when I say these things:

I don't HAVE to save/help my survivor.

(for me personally, growing up) I don't HAVE to have my father's approval.

Infidelity doesn't HAVE to end my marriage.

(at the same time) I don't HAVE to stay married.

It feels good to tell myself these things over and over and even say them outloud. Because I think for me anyway, I've always felt I "have" to do certain things to "justify my existence" or to earn my place on this earth. I had strict parents who are perfectionistic and used a lot of "shoulds." My mom once even said to me, "What are you doing to justify your existence?" I know that Jesus loves me and that I don't have to justify my existence in any way.

So, for what it's worth, I like ranting on the "shoulds." It can free us up to make a true choice once in a while and not feel so out of control/powerless. I have the power to choose and it feels great to know I don't HAVE to do certain things, after all.

nobody HAS to do anything
its what we CHOOSE to do that matters in life


for everyone

Amen BH!!!!

I think I'll add to your list:

I DONT have to put everyone before me. I think I'm going into a selfish stage in my life (why not everyone else does!!!!) care to join me???????

Angie

I'm not sure exactly why I feel I must put others before myself, either. It's obviously been a pattern in my life. It's a hard one to break. Growing up I know I was made to feel selfish and self-centered if I had a happy time now and then. So I was brought back *down* to earth by criticism. I was taught in a way that I'm not a good person unless I'm miserable. Unless I put everyone before myself. I'm so afraid of not being a good person for some reason.

I guess if I weren't a good person, then I wouldn't ever have had my parents' approval/love. The child in me still needs those things.

Earlier I typed "I DON'T have to have my father's approval," which is one that my T told me to remember. What about, "I DON'T have to have my parents' love"? Is that one even possible for anyone?

... i got there with my own parents, bh ... and oddly it was when i did that i could see they actually did love me in their own way ... they love me the best they know how ... but it's fine, and I'M fine, if they don't ...

... and hey, what's a "good" person anyway?

hugs

bh,

first, a REALLY BIG (((((((((HUG)))))))))

i can't believe your mom would say that - ANY mom would say that to their child!!!!!



so is it any wonder this is how you've been made to feel???

you've come a long way and doing great - am sorry tho for the pain you're going thru. we're here, don't forget that, ever!

all the best,
indy

Brokenhearted,

You know what's cool about being around this place for awhile? Getting to see someone new here figuring things out, getting focused, making progress and really taking back control in his or her life. Like you do with this post. Way to go, girl!

Oh yeah, I forgot...want to know my answer to your Mom's question? It's "Getting your bullshit out of my head!"

Much love,
Larry