nothing i do is ever good enough i guess
thats how i feel
i try so hard to do whats right or what i think this person wants
but it never matters or is enough
how can i stop caring and just stop
i keep trying to just say forget it its not worth it
it doesnt help

Perhaps one way to look at this is that you are attracted to men that are very needy, takers, and you feel you need to take care of them. It is true, you will never be good enough for them because, no one will ever be good enough for them. This has nothing to do with you, they just are needy and no one will ever fill the need.

Maybe it is possible you feel the same way respecting your parents or one of your parents. You keep choosing these kinds of guys to help recreate something that was broken from the past.

There is a good book called "Is he the one for me" by Barbara D'Angeles (sp) that can be helpful is looking at why woman are attracted to certain kinds of guys. Therapy also might me a good thing to do as it has certainly helped me and maybe could be of assistance to you. Take good care,

B

Barney:

Please excuse my ignorance....You've made a statement that makes me (I think) finally understand why CSA survivors act out.

"You keep choosing these kinds of guys to help recreate something that was broken from the past."

Does this mean acting out is a way to recreate the abuse and possibly give you a chance to change the outcome? Does this make sense what I said? I've been trying to understand this, the "acting out part" and you put a lightbulb in my head.

always,
Kelly

Hi, Kelly,
I'm not Barney, obviously, but yes, that's my understanding of the reasoning. It has applied to my life, for sure. Realizing the compulsive nature of these behaviors--that they are an effort to have the story turn out differently--can go a long way toward helping to deal with them.
Trouble is, of course, sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between what it is that we truly "want" to do, and what we are tempted to do even against our better judgment, even when it results in negative and counterproductive outcomes. Humans also have a very highly developed ability for rationalization!
Peace,
HG

I honestly think both Kelly and HG have it right re the need to try to fix things from the past. Us men who were molested, need to do our own healing in order to hopefully minimize the need to act out. Having an understanding partner, one who makes us feel safe enough to get into our stuff, and then can be part of the theraputic process is the ideal. We may very well attract women who need to try to "fix" us and then we start the unhealthy dance that is doomed to not work.

The way to avoid this is to have the man do his own work with the counselor, have the woman involved just to know how she can maximize her part in the relationship and be ok. Then, hopefully, all three can keep the relationship alive and functional.

You might have noticed Beccy's recent comments. From my perspective, she had done as much as she could in her current situation and just couldn't go on. This to me is the real world many of us are facing if we don't do our part of the work. That is not to say Beccy and her partner didn't do their part as I have no idea what happened. It just points out to me the need we have as the victums to do our healing as best that we can if we hope to have healthy relationships.

Take care and if I can do anything, let me know.

B

do you think its me looking for these types of relationships?
someone to fix i mean
and why do i?
i want to do my part and be there ..its just hard to be there when i can't be there
thank you for all of your comments too
it helps

maybe its hopeless i hope not

Sunshine the reason why you keep getting in these type of relationships is I think your heart is to big. You want to try to help people and you forget about yourself and your needs. I don't know the whole story but I do know some of it. I know a part of you wants to give up after all this time but try to remember your BF's journey to recovery is just now beginning since he just started seeing a T. Now that he has started to confront his past things will get harder on him for a while. But as he starts to see his past in a new light he will start to get better. But I think we all see where you are at and the pain your in. All I can do is wish you the best on whichever path you choose.


Take care.

Brokensoul

thank you so much barney