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#183136 - 09/28/07 11:18 AM Re: Can you share? [Re: BJK]
violet Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/13/07
Posts: 118
Loc: US
Thought I'd try to answer this as well.

1. The things a child does to survive the abuse aren't wrong- they did what they had to to get through it.

2. Caught in deceptive behavior, came clean to try to save relationship.

3. You aren't worth it, whether that means to be listened to, to recover from, or to escape from the abuse.

4. -

V.

_________________________
I was silent as a child, and silenced as a young woman; I am taking my lumps and bumps for being a big mouth, now, but usually from those whose opinion I don't respect. - Sandra Cisneros

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#183555 - 09/30/07 01:42 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: violet]
sunshine70 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/29/07
Posts: 51
Loc: florida
1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?
That helping someone through this type of abuse can be really rewarding. Just knowing you are there and doing your best. I learned too that I never want to stop learning so that I can know what to do to understand my boyfriend more.

2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?
Yes my boyfriend. I wanted to learn about him and help him and I still do. That no one can ever be healed and I never expect that. But through all of this I learned you can become closer and more connected by learning together and sharing.

3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?
I dont know if i ever read anythign that was a lie. But i believe that no one deserves to be abused in any way and at any age.

4. (for survivors) If you have a signifigant other to help you through all of this, what is the most meaningful thing they can do to help?


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#183567 - 09/30/07 03:19 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: BJK]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6453
Loc: Right Behind You!
1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?

People are inherently evil.

2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder took me over. I had no choice but to deal with it. I was being flooded by flashbacks.

3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?


"You liked it....so its your fault too."
"You got good at it....so its really your fault now."
"Hey...you came back for more...we've got nothing to do with this...its all on you now."


4. (for survivors) If you have a signifigant other to help you through all of this, what is the most meaningful thing they can do to help?

Read the books about CSA. The books will give such great insight so that the wheel does not need to be re-invented.

5. What is the most harsh discovery post-disclosure?

I'm not the husband that I thought I was.

_________________________
Keep the others in your life happy - Comply Comply Comply

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#183579 - 09/30/07 04:29 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: Still]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?

The mind is an amazing mechanism that can withstand a tremendous amount without "breaking" altogether.

2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?

Nowhere left to run. Tired of hiding. Would've preferred death to living in denial any longer.

3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?

that society has any real interest in recognizing it and dealing with it. that talking to kids about good touch, bad touch, the bathing suit zone, etc. is really going to help.

4. (for survivors) If you have a signifigant other to help you through all of this, what is the most meaningful thing they can do to help?

understand that they are getting into something very, very difficult. that it is going to take a huge amount of patience and work on their part, etc. read. take care of themself. have clear boundaries. be willing to leave for themself if they have to. understand that i am not crazy but sure do have some major issues that are going to compromise our relationship at times. love me anyways.

5. What is the most harsh discovery post-disclosure?

most people are completely ignorant of CSA. its prevalence, effects etc. that disclosure marks the beginning of the really hard work. that once you tell you can never go back. etc. oh and of course the biggest one -- sometimes perps just lie. and their is a powerful network that will bolster them -- ie capturing the friedmans, the false memory foundation, etc. there really is a mindset that thinks survivors are relishing in "victimhood."



Edited by testingWaters (09/30/07 04:34 PM)

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#183581 - 09/30/07 04:40 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: violet]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Quote:

1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?


That all the lies I was told are not true. I am NOT worthless, I am NOT good for only one thing, and I am NOT weak and pussified.

Quote:

2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?


Yes, as much as I tried to run from the past, it was always able to run a little bit faster than I could. I was 43 years old before I finally understood that I was never going to be able to outrun it, never going to be able to live in denial the rest of my life, and that I was finally going to have to confront the past instead of trying to ignore it.

Quote:

3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?


That it didn't matter.

Quote:

4. (for survivors) If you have a signifigant other to help you through all of this, what is the most meaningful thing they can do to help?


Listen, and finally, for once in my life, be someone who understands and is someone I feel like is on my side in life.


Thanks for asking, V. It means a lot.

_________________________
Eddie

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#183587 - 09/30/07 05:21 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: EGL]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
hey egl -- your MLK quote is so great. wanted to point it out at some point and it fits really well with this thread. TW


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#183589 - 09/30/07 05:27 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: BJK]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?

i am not surviving. i am living. this is just how my life is taking shape. but anyway.. on to the question. i think the most important thing is that i am one tough mofo. that i basically can handle what ever happens in my life. maybe not always handle it well, but i can handle it at least. ive also discovered how connected things are. if one thing sucks in your life its connected to something else.

2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?

i stumbled upon it. i went to a shrink for a completely different reason and just mentioned the abuse casually. i didnt even call it abuse at the time.

3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?

ohh.. everyones going to hate me. but i think the biggest lie for me is that its always a bad thing. for me, it did a lot of good as well. it made me a really strong person. i doubt that i would be this strong had it not happened.

4. (for survivors) If you have a signifigant other to help you through all of this, what is the most meaningful thing they can do to help?

give me space. the guy i was with when i started all this was great. he wanted to help and all that but he also knew that this was my battle not his. and he gave me the room i needed, but always had an open invitation if i wanted to talk about it.


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#183596 - 09/30/07 05:45 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: Jarrad]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
1. What are the most important things that you have discovered while surviving?

I'm not alone. and it wasnt my fault.

2. Is there something in particular that forced you to take action in dealing with issues brought about by CSA?

i was extremely depressed and wanted to change my life around.

3. What is the biggest lie (for you) about CSA?

Once you talk about it, the pain goes away. it dose get easier but it still sucks.

4. (for survivors) If you have a signifigant other to help you through all of this, what is the most meaningful thing they can do to help?

I would say just listen. i think having some one to listen to you is helps so very much.


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#183644 - 09/30/07 09:50 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: Jarrad]
ptsdwife Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/25/07
Posts: 45
I Like your outlook... GOOD FOR YOU !!!!


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#184181 - 10/02/07 06:49 PM Re: Can you share? [Re: ptsdwife]
Agape Girl Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/25/07
Posts: 120
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Violet:

Girl, Thank you for starting this thread...I was at my T yesterday and I'm sort of in a little rut right now. I think it's time for my partner and I to head to a couples session it's been a few months now he's been 1 on 1 with the T. I'm lost, I don't know where he is, therefore I don't know if I'm doing to much or to little all of that. This post was really helpful and I'm going to cut and paste a few of everyone's answers to help me convey to my bf what I need to know and also how to talk to him too. Sorry if it makes no sense I know what I mean and that's what counts, right?

THANK YOU ALL THOUGH!

always,
Kelly

_________________________
AGAPE'
means selfless love of one person for another
without sexual implications
(especially love that is spiritual in nature)

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