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#190021 - 11/05/07 08:54 AM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: dgoods]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
I'm still trying to understand where you were going with that first quote. Are you suggesting that HE may have been testing MY response? If that truly is what my co-worker was doing that would make him a huge prick, especially since I told him that I was sexually abused. That's right along the lines of entrapment. Taunting me just to judge me? I don't think I want anything to do with a person like that, that's really, really creepy.

I don't think that is the point you were making, and your clarification quote is helping me to apply it to my situation.

Something happened last thursday that has me really pissed off. We were all standing around eating cake for someone's birthday, and I started talking to him about how the drywallers putting in my basement rotozipped all the pre-wiring right off. I mean they destroyed all the wiring behind the wall, and my hubby was having a bit of a meltdown at their incompetence. We were just chatting about nothing, and he was standing sideways to me while talking and sorta leaning a bit towards me with one hand in his pocket. He was actually pretty close and it felt a bit odd. I stopped in the middle of what I was saying because of his proximity and said, "I'm not sure why but I want to smack you right now." He jumped into action and sorta walked to a safe distance from me, turned and gave me the weirdest sorta look like if I was some sort of weirdo and headed for the door.

I don't know what the heck that look was but I didn't like it one bit. It was just an innocent playful remark, and I think perhaps HE read into it a little too much. I got a distasteful sort of feeling from his reaction, and the only thing I can say to that at this point is "Screw you, you freaking dork I'm only following your lead". It seems very probable at this point that he has not been completely sincere in his words, and I don't have to take that.

I feel glad at this point that I can say I have no desire to go see him to "try to keep things on an even keel", not that I have any control over that anyway. I'd rather let him sit and hopefully reflect on anything he might have done to bring on his own reaction. I saw something that appeared to be a very ugly side of him, perhaps I saw it because I wanted to or needed to, I don't know. The fact of the matter is I didn't do anything I need to be concerned with.

I'm actually glad that his own insecurities and insincerities are perhaps starting to show in some way.

So to sum it up, I'm feeling both a lot better and a little worse, but the part of me that feels worse is actually glad to be feeling this sort of rejected, hearbroken sort of sensation. It has a healthy aura.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#190032 - 11/05/07 10:39 AM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: cbfull]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
craig,
first- let me say i had to go back and re-read the thread, just to make sure i wasn't missing something you'd already said before, \:\) but it wasn't me- you never mentioned before that you had told him you'd been abused. Re-reading was helpful, in regards to my picking up on another clue you dropped twice; "intimidating". Another thing: maybe it's just the nature of reading text, rather than RL conversation, but my first take on the series of events that led to him moving away and looking at you funny, was that you unconsciously were protecting yourself, then said, "uh-oh" and instantly mentally self-edited it as "playful" ("i didn't mean it, i'm sorry, don't hate me").

Were i on the other side, having someone stop themslves and say they wanted to smack me would tell me i had crossed some line somewhere, and i'd withdraw too. Were i in your position- if i was talking about day-to-day stuff to someone who knew of my SA history, and who also had been the source of a lot of conflicting feelings for me, and that person started invading my personal space, "inner parent" would intervene and give some kind of "back off" message, probably before i had time to exercise conscious control over it.

As de>
_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#190153 - 11/06/07 09:03 AM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: dgoods]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Rather than pick out quotes and respond to your observations individually, let me just say that your observations are pretty good, and I appreciate every word, even if some of them might anger me a bit \:\) (I'm not scared of a slap of reality, so bring it on!)

I apologize that some important details were left out, I forgot that I hadn't mentioned them in this thread, I discussed them in some other threads and I guess I just sorta stayed on the same train of thought.

I told him about the sexual abuse for a couple of reasons. For one, he was at least acting like he wanted to be a good friend, listening to my problems and then telling me he's glad that I trust him enough to share those kinds of personal things. He even went as far as to say to me, "You can tell me anything you want", and it's been close to a year since he said that, but I do not think it is a misquote. The other major reason I told him about the abuse is because he has a 5 year old son, and I just needed him to know some things about CSA.

There are several more things that have happened during the last year that I have not included in this thread, the one's that come to mind would be that he has been to my house too, when my gay friend and I took him out for his birthday. He really seemed to enjoy it. When he left to head home, I gave him a friendly hug just like I would any of my other friends, because I wanted to treat him the same as I do anyone else (all crushes aside).

This brings me to the visit I made to his house, which was many months later, and it was his idea, not mine. I was going to my mom's house because my grandmother was in the hospital, and he happens to live in the same part of town that my mom does. We used to send text messages back and forth (just silly stuff, for laughs), and I sent him one saying, "traffic in your direction sucks". His response was that I should "stop by if I am in the area." I thought that might be his response because I wanted to see his house anyway. I went and visited my grandmother and then went over to see his house. He was so nice and accomodating, when I got there he had already had a little bit of something to drink, I think it was rum & coke. His wife was out with some friends, and he was keeping an eye on his son. This was when he was showing me around his house and gave a moment's worth of awkward silence when he showed me "their bed", which was messy and not made, and I would think that most people would just give you a peek into the room if they didn't like the condition of things. We just spent the evening talking about nothing and watching his entertainment center TV, and I was glad to finally meet his wife when she came home around 11 or so. I was enjoying the visit and I decided it was time to go when I noticed him yawning. I said as much and when I got to the door, I started to just give him a quick little handshake "goodbye", and he pulled my arm towards him and hugged me, which I thought was very sweet.

I don't think I am confused when I say there was a certain sort of genuineness and sincerity on his part that seems to have vanished. (ouch, seriously) If he is like most males, he could be feeling insecure about something and he's compensating by being defensive. Hell, half of what he does in general already appears to be compensation for insecurities. I guess that's a big reason why I felt I could relate to him so well during all those chats.

Two things come to mind, maybe a little of both are true, maybe a lot of both. First, it would not surprise me if any feelings of attraction on his behalf have scared him pretty good. We all know this happens. Second, I am thinking that he may have put the pieces together and figured out that my flashback was triggered by him. If neither of these are the case, perhaps after the flashback my behavior changed, and in such a way that it was getting "creepy". The more I think about it, the more I believe that this is likely so.

I don't think I have been deceptive with him, unless you consider the fact that I have never told him I have a crush on him, which I don't think is appropriate to tell any co-worker. I handled it the absolute best I knew how. That's why I'm here, sharing my situation because I am perfectly willing to hear anything that I am doing that might be putting me at fault somehow.

I don't know that I "instantly mentally self-edited" my remark to be playful. It was both a boundary issue and a playful remark at the same time. But I am disgusted and angry at his reaction. Judging by the look on his face, you would think that I was the creepiest person in the world, and I very well may have been on my way to becoming that.

I realize that after my flashback I was trying to re-enact with him, but I promise you that I did not want that to be true, and I kept promising myself that I would just back off and deal with it myself, but with him just two floors away from me, it was too easy for me to keep trying to seek approval (sort of a codependant thing I guess). What I wanted was for those F*ing triggered feelings to be gone, but to have a hasty attitude towards them will get me absolutely nowhere. I am going to have to respect the flashbacks because they are very, very powerful. This is what I have been hoping to achieve by putting my feelings out for everyone to see. Who knows, there's always the possibility he found the website and read all this, I really don't care (nor do I think so) because all I want is for me to continue getting past the abuse issue and to maintain healthy relationships. Even if he is creeped out, that's still no reason to abandon anyone's honest attempts to create a healthy friendship (aside from the fact that I believe I have failed).
I am also realizing, as I type this, that another reason I told him about the abuse was in the event I should become triggered, which of course has happened, but perhaps my expectations were a little bit high.

I feel like such a piece of shit. I feel like I ruined a great friendship, and it was all because of my abuse issues. I know this all sounds very "fatalistic", but afterall that is a symptom of PTSD.

Correction, it was because of the incompatability between abuse driven feelings and behavior, and real healthy relationships.

It feels good to decide not to seek out any interaction with him, which I think I was allowing myself to do previously for the wrong reasons (after the flashback was triggered). I just need some time to get back to being the happy and confident me that I remember.



Edited by cbfull (11/06/07 11:27 AM)
_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#190223 - 11/06/07 03:41 PM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: cbfull]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Ohhh. OK! Thanks for clarifying- it sounds like although you feel crappy, you've got a good handle on it. Hey, i know how you feel, i broke my fiancee's heart by trying to be someone i wasn't for 4 years; she's adult enough to still stay friends w/ me, but the fact remains i made a total mess of things; the best i can do is to not allow my crap to get dumped on someone else who doesn't need it, in the future...*sigh*

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#190314 - 11/07/07 07:57 AM Re: Feeling triggered and I don't like it - CAUTION [Re: dgoods]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Still, thanks so much for giving my so much of your time on this. You have helped me with a gread deal of confusion in this.

It looks like my hubby was right, the co-worker sent me up a message yesterday about how quiet things seem to be up here in my area. I had to consult with him about some parts for a project I'm on, and it seemed as though things were completely normal. He asked me why I was so quiet.

I am starting to wonder if the reaction I observed last week wasn't also mostly imagined. I actually hope that it was, because it would help me to make a lot of sense out of what I have been going through.

It almost seems as though the reaction and it's "meaning" (I know, reading into it) was a logical conclusion in my mind to the flashback that was triggered about a month ago. It's as though I needed to realize my worst fear (abandonment and isolation) in order to conclude the episode that was triggered. I knew I was still experiencing the effects of the flashback weeks later, it was just so annoying and frustrating that I couldn't shake it's effects. I was getting used to telling myself that I was back to normal, I started to believe it.

I have decided to start taking low-dose lithium to see if I can't smooth out some of these ups and downs that I experience once I'm triggered. By low dose I mean less than what is used for a person who is bi-polar, and that dose for me right now is about 600mg.

For any of you guys reading through this, it is probably easy to understand how confusing this all is, I used to think I was crazy for perceiving things from others that aren't there. I still don't know, but the point is to not care.

There has been a slightly melancholy feeling with me over the last 4 or 5 days, almost like a little stuck speaker in my head
has finally burned out. I actually sort of have an aversed feeling towards paying too much attention to my coworker's behavior. We'll see.

One last thing, the things that Danbuff said many posts ago are really ringing true with me, thanks again for that.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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